No Excuses by Alexi Panos

Her name? Alexi Panos. Who is she exactly? I honestly don’t know. I am just learning about her as you all will be once you hear this intriguing, uplifting  message about responsibility, or better yet, “Excuses.”

How often do you find yourself putting the blame unto others for mishaps in your life? How often has those blames been justifiable? Not many I suppose.

Her explanation is quite simple, everything is your fault.

“We either cause it or allow it!”

Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

Meditation App: Stop, Breathe & Think

Stop Breathe & Think–but not too much thinking. I found an interesting app that could be beneficial to you if you want to take time to meditate, track your feelings, time and guide your meditations. It’s very convenient and best of all it’s free. However, you have the option to buy extra types of meditation if you choose. All proceeds goes towards a non-profit organization called Tools For Peace (TFP).

TFP (Tools For Peace) pursuit is to galvanize people to develop compassion and kindness to all ages. They advocate their mission by providing a program with methods to practice to develop stronger compassion, and connection to self and others.The continue with in-school programs for kids, Stop Breathe & Think app (“500k and counting”), as well as retreats.

The App is so simple and easy and informative. You begin by checking in your mood. How are you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Emotions play a big part in fast manifestation so it’s important to be honest with yourself foremost.  The app then runs the calculations providing a list of guided meditations like “Gratitude,” “Joy,” and “Mindful Walk.”

If you don’t want to listen to the lady speak, you can easily time yourself up to 60 minutes long! You can even choose 1 minute if you need a moment right before you about to slap a bitch up!

Stop Breathe & Think

Your progress is tracked with awards granted for rate of completion. I haven’t done much of the guided meditation, I usually just jump to the timer.

I encourage all to Stop Breathe & download this app into your phone available for both Google play and App Store. I think it’s quite useful. I must say this app is internet based, so you cannot use it if you don’t have wifi or internet. Which is a little bummer for us New Yorkers who commute on subways. If I’m not reading or sleeping, I’m meditating on the train to avoid the pole dancers

If you want to know more about the Non-profit click here

A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 3

A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 3

June pressed forty in the elevator. The door closed revealing an image of us in the reflection. My fur coat really complimented my brown skin so well as if the fur grew from me.  I thank June for the dinner he treated me too. He insisted we go so we didn’t have to waste our matching attire. I don’t know why, but I just wanted to run to his home and let go and let God.  I am grateful though that he treated me to Thai cuisine.  My heart is still racing from the time I left my home to meet him to now. In this elevator, which seem such a long ride, I wanted to pull the stop cord and peel his clothes off. My lust needed to be quenched in an exotic place. I kept staring at him through the reflection. He caught my eyes and chuckled.

I walked into his condo that vacuumed me into another realm. I always looked around his apartment with astonishment. I dropped my suitcase over by the door to explore. This isn’t the first time I’ve been here, but each and every time I felt like a kid in Disney Land. The apartment is enormous with two floors connect with a cream carpeted spiral staircase. I made my way to the left first like always to examine the five foot fish tank puzzled in the wall.  The floor-to-ceiling windows embraced the New York City skyline and Hudson River. My mouth dropped at the amazing night view knowing the morning  touch from the sun will awaken me from my sleep. ” You know what my mother told me when I was kid?” I said to June still looking out. “We were driving around the city one day and she just randomly said, ‘You notice how white people never have any curtains,’ and ever since I always seen it to be true,” I laughed. June gently touched my shoulders from behind slowly grazing his hands on my fur until he reached my waist. He pulled me close to him. “Sweetheart, wealthy people don’t have curtains,” he whispered, then preceded to take off my coat.

A warm rush of emotions flooded my body when he took kissed my neck. I remained immobilized by the view and his kiss. He took my hand and we started to head up stairs, I told him to wait so I can take off my shoes and not ruin the carpet floor. From his phone, June set the tone of the night by putting on the 90’s R&B station on Pandora which filled the entire house with music. We both had a deep love for old school music.  We forward upstairs when I saw little candle lights that bordered they walls around the entire second floor of the condo. I paused at the romance constructed for me. He laughed gesturing me to continue to follow him. The white candles against the soft beige carpet trailed into red candles that lead to the bathroom and the master bedroom.

“This is beyond far so sweet of you. You are doing so much for me right now!” I couldn’t take the smile off my face.
“You keep talking you are going to blow of the candles,” June chuckled put his hand on my lips. He pulled my soul into the dim lit bathroom and immediately started to get undressed.  White and red rose petals were scattered across the floor accompanied by more white candles. The bathroom room was smelled of fresh linen. I took a deep breath still stumbling over the fantasy that turned true. I couldn’t comprehend the reason behind all of this. I wanted to abruptly stop him in his tracks and ask why? Why me? However, that will ruin the moment so I kept my pretty lips shut. Being so paralyzed in excitement, I forgot to take my clothes off with him. “Are you not going to take off your clothes? You do this every time you come here” June asked unbuckling his belt. The perfectly sculpted body brown body funneled into the deep v line that marked the sides of his waist. The puts collapsed taking the boxers with it showing the thickness of his core.

I swallowed my shyness, “Why don’t you take off my clothes for me?” I asked. His smile of pearls  came towards me leading me up against the door. He closed the door while grazing my lips with his. His finger tips took hold of my shirt that lifted over my head. Both of his arms were placed above me against the wall as we continued to lock tongues. I melted feeling the sleek soft yet heard blend of his chest and abs.  He stood naked in front of me pushing me harder against the wall. Everything about his existence tantalized my senses.  His athletic build, his strong hands, his defined legs, his full lips, his glossy wide eyes all perfectly placed in my favor. Again, he interlaced his hands with mine and pulled me towards the Jacuzzi. His bare body went in first still kissing me from my lips to my neck. “Wait a minute,” I said realizing I still had on my jeans. He completely ignored me and started to pull into closer into the water. “Wait, June, Wait! I still have on my jeans.”

“You want me to be mean,” He said still being very busy on my neck. His passion kisses had me too giddy to repeat myself. Sitting in the water knee deep, he took his arms and being to lift me. “Wait!” I screamed. I tried pulling him off me, but I continue to succumb into his paradise. “Get over here!” He said lifting all of me into the water. A huge splash of water tip over the brim of the tub into the rose pedals, “JUNE! WHAT THE FUCK!”

June blurted into a rainfall of laughter, this asshole intentionally wanted to pull me into the water half dressed. I got up out of the warm water completely drenched in attitude. I scolded him for the stupidity and the difficult it is to now have to remove wet pants. It felt disgusting closed on my skin. June continued to laugh and laugh and laugh hysterically. I started to chuckle with him still upset at what he did. “It’s not funny, you asshole!” I blurted.  I took off my pants slowly showing off the side of my hips. “Yeah, now that’s taking off your clothes sexy!” June said pumping his fist into the air. I shot a stern look at him and flicked him the middle finger, “Fuck you!”

“I will be doing that in the bed shorty, don’t worry,” he said. I rolled my eyes when I really wanted to bat my lashes, but that will show he won so quickly when he didn’t…well he did, but I’m not going to show him.

A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 2

A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 2

 

read Part 1 here 

“What would you like to order?” The waitress asked in the most courteous voice. “I’ll take the Dancing Chicken with brown rice,” I ordered. “And I will take the Crying Tiger with brown rice as well.” Anya added. “And what would you like to drink with that?” “Two cranberry juices in the largest size you have,” Anya said. “But who said I wanted cranberry–” “Shh! be quiet girl and yes that will be all,” Anya said,  outpouring her smile that can steal Wall St Investors wallets. I shook my head and rolled my eyes from knowing how Anya already acts with her robust self. She grabbed her black lambskin Christian Dior bag from her hip and placed it on her lap and started ransacking inside. “Girl, what are you looking for?” I asked.  Anya pulled out her crystal craved flask. I know she was not about the spike our drinks with her liquor. This should not surprise me after the twelfth time she spiked our drinks at even the most tasteful restaurants. “That is so ghetto Anya put it away, like now.” I tried to obscure my eyes with my hand trying to hide away from the bashfulness. “Miss Thing…I make my own money, I have my own business, if want to bring liquor I will. Plus, this is not just any liquor. This is a twelve thousand dollar diamond distilled Kors Vodka.” Anya said.

I was nearly two seconds away from hurdling out my seat to slap some sense into her. Anya is still the same girl from our high school years when we used to venture up and down the streets of Harlem in our fresh new pairs of Jordan’s. Times have changed since, now we’ve moved up from the middle class . But damn, she still got that edge all up in her, especially in that luxurious vodka. I’m not even going to lie, I wanted a taste of this diamond vodka.

“You know,” Anya started, “You honestly should have gone with us on Jessica’s trip. We had such a blast! The men were dope, we got so many free drinks, I got into at least five clubs for free, and to top it off…I had this fine ass dark chocolate, football player looking, sex God tastes my treats!” Anya started to fan herself in excitement. “You know it’s been a long time coming since I had this kitty cat primed and polished. It was worth the wait. Can I get an Amen!”

“Amen!” I shouted, but this wasn’t I wanted to hear at this time. “But Yo! Let me finish telling you what happened.”

 

 

A Rose in a Hard Place

A Rose in a Hard Place

I grabbed and my phone and made my final decision to call him. After a few rings he answered, ” I am ready for you to pick me up,” I said. “Alright, I knew you wouldn’t let me down cutie,” he said. I can hear the smile in his voice. “Haha, right, so hurry up handsome.” I snapped on the two locks on my suitcase. I looked around to check and see if I wasn’t leaving anything I may need. I took a deep breath. Alright, I think we are good here. I took the keys, my suitcases, duffel bag, and head out the door. My heart is pacing really fast. I am not sure if I am nervous about where I am going or what I am leaving, either way the thrill is what I am following. I left my 44 floor building waiting outside with my belongings. They time read 10:37 pm.  I took out my cig. Fuck! I left my lighter upstairs, blah, I really don’t feel like going back up there again. I asked the lobby attendant if he had a lighter and luckily he did. I need a moment or two.

I was half down my cig when June pulled up in his all black Hennessey Venom that I helped him pick out a few months ago. He knew that was my favorite car.  My face broke into a deep smile. I was so excited to have seem him walk out that car wearing all black everything matching his baby car. I walked up to him planting a warm kiss on his buzz shaved cheek. ” Looks like a Giuseppe Zanotti night,” he said laughing. I looked down and saw his black and gold high top Giuseppe’s matched my gold suede Giuseppe also. “Oh my god, babe you are so right, we always randomly match somehow, I love it,” I said.  He helped my put my suitcases in the. He grabbed my wrist in middle of me joyfully throwing my bags in the backseat of his car. “Are you sure you want to do this,” he said staring directly into my eyes. I got uncomfortable and looked away. Direct stares makes me uneasy as if one can read the inside of my thoughts precisely. “Look at me,” he said grabbing my chin towards him.” Are you sure about this? I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want to do.” “No, I am not sure,” I said, “But I want to go with you. Just take me and give me an experience.” He kissed me on my neck. It put the wide crystal smile back on my face. “Alright, so let me take this,” he said taking off my St. Laurent sable fur coat.  June opened the front passenger door to his car. “Shotgun!” I yelled. “Bang, Bang, Bang,” he said.

I checked the time again and it read 10:45 pm. Okay, I have to text him something. June asked if I was OK and I assured him for the second time that I am. I’m just…well, I don’t know what I am at this point. I just want to get away for a moment. I scrolled down in my phone to where it said hubby. Hey my hero, I am going out with Jessica and the girls tonight down in the city for some drinks, then off to the weekend trip. There is some pizza left in the oven. That’s all, love ya <3. “Who are you texting?” June asked. I flinched. “Oh it’s no one important, just my best friend. I am telling her I can’t make it to girls night tonight,” I said.
“So, you’re saying your best friend is not important?”
“Oh, you know what I mean, boy.”
” I am just asking!”  We chuckled. He started the car that immediately blasted Drake’s new album. The heavy bass rattled my skin. “So where do you want to go?” “To your place,” I said.  I looked him and saw his pearly whites against the black interior of the car. I exchanged the same smile with him. He sang along to the song horribly, but I didn’t mind. I wanted to make him as happy as possible.

I Want To Be Understood.

I want to be understood. Like how one understand the calculation of the seasons, like how the Egyptians knew the precise location of Sirus A.

I want to be understood.

That “ah ha!” moment.

The feeling when someone says “I get what your saying.”

The moment when someone agrees with you. The moment you convinced someone who you are on an emotional level.

I want to be understood. Like how one understands to smile when they feel joy.  Like how you understand a child.

I want to be understood that I am a human.

I am Dontae.

I am who I am.

I am all that is.

But I have to really learn and not fight that idea everybody will understand me. I am not asking to agree. I am asking to hear me out.

Know why I do what I do.

Why I am they way I am.
Why I read certain things.
Why I give.
Why I expect.
Why I believe.

Why things interest me.
Why I am seeking.
Why I am joking.
Why I am hiding.

Why something may anger me.
Why I may pass judgement.
Why I have an opinion.
Why I am emotional

Why I am happy.
Why I am rebellious.
Why this scares me.
Why I have hope.

There is power in knowing why? Its what leads to discovery. The discovery of one another, the discovery of true understanding. Why is what pulls the layers of one apart reaching into the depths unexplored, unexplained, while bridging gaps that connects to everything. The conflict is accepting not everybody cares to know why? That the only thing that matters is the action inflicted not the understand the reason. I have to rid the feeling to convince people of who I am. I have to rid the feeling to be understood. How can one come form a place of compassion without understanding, without knowing why what is-is?

We may not like or agree with the unfair laws placed against us, but there’s a reason.
You may not like the high price in gas, but there’s a reason.
You may not like that you got cheated on, but there’s a reason.
A serial killer killed hundreds, but he has a reason.
She selling her body on the street, but she has a reason.
He stole him from his dad, but he has a reason.
Terrorist had reason.
Countries don’t like American, for a more than agreeable reasons.

You think the wise one knew what they were up against without knowing the reason?
You think Gandhi faced his battles without knowing why the oppressors are what they are?
You think MLK, Malcolm X and more,  didn’t know why they wanted to oppress Blacks?
You think terrorist have a reason?

I want to be understood.
I want to be looked at as all the parts of me in one.
Look at me holistically.
The merge of all reasoning.

The Power In Writing For Desires

There’s this newer process in manifesting your desires that I know will be so beneficial to everyone, especially the writers! Well, maybe it’s not so new, but it a process worth trying.  People may look at this and say its writing to Jesus, God, or a letter to the Universe. It’s all three honestly. However, this process has futuristic twist, because that is exactly what you are doing, writing for the future.

In a sense what you are doing is writing out how you want your life to be. Writing out how you would want your life to be in 2-4 months or maybe more it’s up to you.  You have to write as if you already got the things you asked for whether it be a new car, job, relationship, or well-being.  Therefore, everything is in the present tense. A close example would be if you were reading your journal entry from the future. How would it sound like? What great things happened? How did it make you feel and why?

This exercise should be read twice a day everyday for 30 days (results may vary). It will go something like this:

           Dear Universe

                       I couldn’t be anymore excited at my new job at ____. It makes me so happy to wake up every morning enthusiastic about going to my job. It brings me joy to be doing something that I always wanted. The coworkers are amazing, my boss is so polite to me. We frequently share many laughs with each other. I am happy I can be myself fully here. They welcome me with opening arms. I am eager to be here during the weekThey pay me more than I expected. I am truly grateful for this. 

You want to be as detailed in your feelings as possible. I even looked up positive feeling words to give my writing more diversity and reduce redundancy. This is important! The magic in this is you are reminding yourself of your desires everyday while practicing the feeling for it. Same goes for attracting your relationship, you want to include all the positive things you want in a partner. For an example:

                               Dear Universe,
                                          My relationship is filled with love and ease. My boyfriend/Girlfriend and I frequently explore the city creating fun memories together. We saw The Lion King on Broadway, we even went to my favorite restaurant. I love how nice my partner is. He/She listen to me so well and respects my opinions. Our love is so easy and fun. We always make sure we have fun with each other. This is the relationship I always wanted and it feels amazing. Breathing became sweeter when the love from him/her is blown against me.

Anybody that knows the Law Of Attraction knows how positive thoughts and feelings are important when asking and manifesting. This exercise puts you in the place of already having it, while starting up powerful visualization.  The key factor in creating is visualizing the end result. The end result is in the future and you are practicing the feeling of it NOW! Include many areas of your life into this entry to the Universe. I started off with my eating healthier and its effects on my body, to my internship I want, abundance of money, and more.

Have fun with it.

Remember twice a day everyday for 30 days results may vary. Below is a video that explained how and why this process works. It’s an enjoyable video and it will make you laugh.