Beneath The Benevolent Sun

It started with one phone call from an unknown area code, then over the next few days the calls became relentless. Twice a day, seven days, from two different numbers on both my cell phone and home phone. With every missed call followed a voicemail on each device. Usually, I don’t bother to listen to voicemail’s, however, I decided to be an obedient twenty-three year old and follow up. That’s when I realized it was her! She has been notoriously known for decades as dark gray clouds looming beneath the benevolent sun. As you see, what was once a shadow ingeniously creeping from behind when I nourish my face in the warm sun is now hazing every corner of my being. An inevitable event when one chooses to follow the ideal path of society. The grave rumors about her power, a power that can cast a vanishing spell on you financially, weekly or bi-weekly. If you haven’t figured her out yet, her name is Donald Trump–I mean Sallie-Mae. She found me.

I had just freshly showered when the time neared a half hour past eight. The morning sun still young yet strong with her rays illuminating my messy room when the unknown–well, now, well known area code appeared on my cell phone. I cursed the air before I answered, “Hello?” This time her voice was deep and masculine trying to ask if it was I who was on the other end on the phone. Like, don’t play stupid with me. This ill-famed monster has been tirelessly sending her minions out to harass me every chance she gets. She know’s who I am. I know who Sallie-Mae is. Let’s cut the crap!  Of course, the topic was about a payment I was unsure of, in fact, I did not even know a payment had past let alone start! The new voice asked for my way of paying, either debit or credit. I should’ve said stripping, prostituting, occasional drug dealing. Sniffing coke to cope. “Debit,” I said. I forward all of my information when it occurred to me he may possibly be charging my card immediately!

“Wait, are you charging my card right now?”
“Yes.”
“Wait a minute, damn did you even see if I can pay right now! I don’t have the money at the moment.”
“I can push the date back until the thirtieth, but you need to pay before you mess up the co-signers credit score.”

Fuck. That means my mother. I hung up the phone, sat on my bed to pace my breath before I wet the tip of my fingers. fixing my posture, trying to be a big boy, I starred into the morning sun about to hide behind the building. It was something I wanted to do a the moment. Crawl and hide. Yeah, it sounds very immature. You’re probably saying how I need to man up, deal with it, it’s life, and all the other evasive sayings. The matter is, I don’t believe in that way of living: Suffocating under loans and debit while making income that barely scratches the surface, because I want try and find myself, solidify my identity the past six years. I’m only twenty three. I’m only twenty three.

I am only two decades and three years in and already I have IRS and his wife Sallie-Mae down my throat choking my prime years and other bills…Yes, other bills. Food, grooming, clothes, hobbies, school, phone, transportation. In other words, I see how depression is very profitable to the Big Pharma. Not saying I am there….yet. On a positive note, there is always good food. That will always be there.

 

Within In Myself.

Within In Myself.

It’s really hard loving yourself wholeheartedly. As much as I want to, I wish it was so easier said then done. It’s not that easy to know wholesomely who I am when I am consistently changing. It’s rather difficult to identify yourself without the ego. Unless, there is no identity through the fall of the ego, which is the voice that keeps us attached to ideals, image, habits, people. As I read all the time, the fall of the ego brings the feeling of oneness. What I question is the process in which it happens, what do you feel in this transition?

The difficulty is trying to understand what is the ego in you to know what changes to make within. I  have some sense, some minuscule understanding of it. However, I am not sure when exactly my ego comes into play. I know when it’s off usually in times of advice giving, I can sound like the most level headed, open minded, Ghandi-loving therapist ever. But with me, I am a lot less straightforward. I barely listen to my own advice.

Maybe I need to relax. That’s why I am writing this now. Venting.

At times I feel like I love me, then at times I feel like I don’t. Okay, saying I don’t sounds so much more downgrading then in actuality. When I say I don’t, I mean I feel as if I don’t love myself in its fullest potential. We all fall short right? and that’s okay?

Where we are now, we are so obsessed with self identifying. Maybe from a mutual understanding that we all lack a true understanding of our self. You have to have some identity going on. One much define themselves through something. One must have an obsession with something, a favorite something. Becoming nothing more than walking brand, walking egos.

And the minute you want to dis-identify you feel the forces that makes you identify with something or someone.

I don’t know where I was going with this. I just feel conflicted.

I want to be me to the my fullest potential. I feel that I am not, because there are more “important” factors that needs to be worried about, making good income, getting a degree, anything and everything outside of me.

Damn you early 20s.

No Excuses by Alexi Panos

Her name? Alexi Panos. Who is she exactly? I honestly don’t know. I am just learning about her as you all will be once you hear this intriguing, uplifting  message about responsibility, or better yet, “Excuses.”

How often do you find yourself putting the blame unto others for mishaps in your life? How often has those blames been justifiable? Not many I suppose.

Her explanation is quite simple, everything is your fault.

“We either cause it or allow it!”

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

Alright! my peoples, who are you all guys are going?  I am doing well over here, thanks for asking. And if you didn’t ask, well…thank you anyways.  So in my last post, I spoke about a few of my May favorites. Which as of now they still are but I can’t wait to express some of my June favorites at the end of the month. However, since then, approximately 14 days past and I can say I pretty pleased with how things are going on.

Birthday/Hamptons

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In front of the Cohens Estate

First, I am now 23. My birthday was on June 6 and guys, I had the best birthday ever! I haven’t enjoyed my birthday since my single digit days running up and down the Discovery Zone, which I believe is now out of business. The Discovery Zone was like the better version of Chuckie Cheese and McDonalds Playhouse. What made it so fun was because I celebrated my 23rd birthday in the Hampton. Yes! I am like so jumping for joy!

Breathe, okay, let me simmer.

pool

My phone actually took this, my edit skills perfected this!

………….

poodle

part of the “Stuff” were these “poodle” bracelets. A term my friend made up as we felt very pure and boogie the whole day. “Just something to walk your poodle in”

Alright, yeah, I’m ready. So, everything fell into place being that the event in the Hampton happened to be on the same day as my birthday. Perfect!. I went with a good friend of mine and an art teacher/friend. The event was a charity type donation place where people basically auctioned money to fund this school. The estate was gratifying! I never seen a house as big as this up close in personal. They had a tennis court in their front yard with 12-13 foot bushes and a beach in their backyard. Not to forget the pool along with an array of pretty flowers. The food was elegantly made, I was around expensive people. It was such a tasteful, inspiring, learning experience. I’m glad I looked the part! I left there feeling so blessed. I also left full with a few sandwiches in my bag along with other dainty Hampton stuff. I am never ever, ever, ever, going to forget such an experience. I want plenty of more of those. Actually, I want a mentor to guide me to those expenses. I want to taste the crisp air again. Until then, I will read the Hampton’s magazine and practice Law of Attraction. Ha!

Instagram lifestyle

me

@Sardoniclaugh

Aesthetics dahling! Aesthetics, aesthetics, aesthetics! Its all about the aesthetics of Instagram. Yeah, well many people may think it’s taken too seriously, but on the one hand, it does make you pay attention to whats around you more. Lately, I have been taking my Instagram feed and trying to make it more  “aesthetically pleasing” Which  is this new trendy thing going on. Basically, the goal is to have every picture compliment each other with the same borders, filters, colors, etc. Thus, you create a theme. I’ve seen some awe creative feeds that makes me scream YES! and I seen some that just makes me unfollow!  In a future post I will explain how I edit my photos, but in the mean time I need to learn how to perfect it now that I got the right tools. I think I may need an Iphone 6 or invest in a professional camera. I like quality things and social media outlets are another extension of yourself, I believe. With that, I think its very cool to have your mini representations look nice. Eventually, it will look like some brand when everything flow and is cohesive. This why I wanted to change my blog name to SardonicLaughs, though I’m realizing I may loose all my content in the process. That’s so dumb! Whether you like it or not you are being judged and look at like some brand. When need be to market myself, I want my outlets to represent me uniquely and entirely. When I tried to do a whole new IG it got deleted in the same day, like really…I was so pissed! Whatever now I will just learn the tricks and the trades. Follow me though @sardoniclaugh, please!

College

Now we all know my struggle with college has been essence of drama ever since the death of romeo. Good news burst through my email about a week ago ( starts doing the shamoney). BMCC accepted me, Yes! thank the law of attraction yet again as it always a method of prevail. I swear! I was like jumping for joy, like literally in my house on my bed spazzing out! Like honestly I was so stoked. I can now finish with in the next two years maybe even faster! I can give my parents a graduation, feel complete, then move on with my life! Surprisingly, I am hype to return back to this place. Reason be it cause I will be taking courses I hand picked, perfecting my writing skills with my new writing & literature major as well as taking up Italian. My path is finally clear! all I have to do now is drive straight to the finish line after 7 years…

Hobbies

I’ve been enjoying myself a little more lately, meaning I have been focusing a lil’ more on myself more than I have ever before. I took a risk like three weeks ago and that was to just randomly ask these people to jump double dutch at union square park. This was unnerving because I can be extremely shy to the point I will miss out on opportunities because of it. Double dutch has been very close to for as far back as the age of 5. However, due to society my parents banned me from jumping it because it was girly, and perpetuates more teasing and so forth. In return, I would sneakily jump double dutch when my parents weren’t around. It was thrilling to be rebelling the way that I was, but also scary when I got caught.  Now, I am able to fill the deep desire to do Double-Dutch-Entertainers-e1361180285187jump and do what I like without a care in the world. It’s amazing that I took the chance to ask and now I’m meeting new people. I am doing what I like to do by myself. I am proud of myself honestly, It just fine tunes another facet of me.  I am glad that I am exploring myself into these areas from voguing to double dutch, writing and more. I am doing what pleases and interest me and its rewarding.  I’m much more happier than I have been in months, Ideally because schools is out and summer is here, laugh out loud. Oh, yeah and I started dancing again and performing this weekend in Harlem, NY. So excited to be on stage again in a custom being me!

Expert level much!

Well, I think that is all for now. I’m thinking about posting on a scheduled basis like twice a week at a certain time that way its best for consistency, organization, and expectations for readers. I’m still on the fence about my blog name, blah! Until next time, CIAO!

Snapchat: Sardoniclaughs
Instagram: Sardoniclaugh
Tumblr: MesardonicMesarcastic
Twitter: @fantasyFatality

Daily Prompt: In the Summertime

Morning Process To Transform Your Life

“If we were standing in your physical shoes, when we waken in the morning, as soon as we were conscious, and back in our body, and comfortable, we would sit with a pencil and paper, and as if we were addressing someone who had the ability to orchestrate or deliver anything that you can imagine, sort of like you have this staff that is at your beckon call, and we would just sit and jot down a few things that we would like the staff to work on today.” –Abraham