Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

Advertisements

Boys Do “This,” Girls Do “That”

Growing up I was very Unique. In most pictures it was very easy to point me out, not because I was extremely cute with a smile of the sun and dimples of the deep, but merely from being the kid that did weird poses and expression. I made picture taking…FUN! And this sense of  doing what comes to mind is still with me today. It, however, wasn’t easy.

I was really good by the way

I was really good by the way

I don’t know why, I don’t even care to know why, I was attracted to “girly” things. No! not wearing my moms clothes or having long hair, although, I did used to put the neck of a T-shirt around my head to swing it, but all kids did that!  . . right? Well, who cares. In elementary school,  I would be the boy you mostly see with the girls playing hand games like Numbers, Patty Cake, Miss Marry Mat, and Tweet Baby! I loved the hand eye coordination matched with rhythmic words telling an elaborate story. I would literally be the only boy to do these activities, and of course I did get the back lash of words and phrases belittling my being. Kids are mean. They say what they want with no second thought or remorse. Uncouthly, they speak their truth.
Naively, I thought I could bring the same careless at home. Nope, that wasn’t the case. I had a bad history of being teased for being feminine. My parents tried to conform me in ways to oppose the harsh criticism. Sometimes it resulted in me teasing them back or fighting, which didn’t happen often.

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys...fuck that I'm stay a kid!

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys…fuck that I’m stay a kid!

I hated being teased, but I hated to do things that did not appeal to me even more. Hanging around girls came with a strong sense of ease. They had more fun together, they were always consistently laughing and giggling. Boy’s on the other hand, I felt like I had to live up to an expectation of masculinity that took way to much work. I felt like they and me were acting. Especially, around intermediate school, boys “grew up”. In the summer of 4th grade going into 5th grade, Allegedly, there was a memo sent around saying boys will now prematurely deepen their voices, pull their pants below their waist, and only like basketball and football. I damn sure never got this memo.

I liked playing double dutch. My parents tried numerous times to ban me from playing it. It was something that “girls do” amongst me talking with my hands, because Italians do that too, and talking on the phone too long, etc. I remember playing double dutch with my friends and my mother came to the park to pick me up. She scolded me, “Didn’t I tell you, you shouldn’t be jumping Double Dutch, it’s for girls, are you a girl?

Then came the lecture of in order to stop the name calling I had stop doing girly things bullshit.  This started to take a toll on me. I was afraid to bring a rope home, I was afraid to speak on experiences. I slowly was developing a double life very early in my childhood. One day I after a good rope session I made up this dumb lie to change her perspective on me jumping rope.  I said, “Mom did you know they passed a law so boys can jump rope.” She replied sarcastically, “oh really?”

downloadI thought I had won her over and now I was freed from the shackles of stupidity. I was wrong again. I with all honestly couldn’t not understand what rule book many people were going by. Did I really lived in my own world throughout my life? The rejection forced me look at the world around me and question deeply WHO MAKES THESE STUFF UP? and why can’t I just do and be me? what is so wrong for a boy to play hand games and jump rope. I’m not going around in girls clothes at 7 yrs. of age, or even saying I want to be a girl.  So I felt If I can’t do what I want to do, then I’m not going to do anything at all. And that’s exactly what I did till I was 15.

SO, I ask you readers, have you ever been forced out of your likings for the sake of someone else or image?

7 Ways To Become A Great Teacher

Whether you are in grade school or college at some point in time you came across bad teachers in you life. For instance, when you 7th grade teacher the assign packets and packets of homework on winter vacation. Like, what the hell! Why assign homework on  vacation? That’s not a vacation that is education institution slavery. These teachers must like reading the same 100 papers. Fuckers!

Luckily, not all teacher forces you to write one word 100 times for homework/punishment. And not all teachers are in school, in fact, the best teachers are the ones that forced you to become wise in some way or another. Boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, family, homeless people, the list goes on. It is all in part of the biggest teacher of them all…LIFE!

But for educational purposes, I’ll just speak on grade school teachers.

7 Ways On How To Become A Great Teacher

  1. Be Absent Often.
    This is probably one the best ways to win your students heart and to forever be known as one the best teachers ever in their lives. BE ABSENT no one wants to deal with you, especially if you are going to be a monotone  homework giving monster. Save your self for bed everyday, or at least once a week between Monday-FridayBad Teacher
  2. Let Your Students Speak To Each Other.
    How bad do you want to win the hearts of your students? How important is it for you be talked about for generations through oral tradition? Let your students talk to each other! let your students socialize and build interpersonal skills needed for the workforce. Don’t Interrupt  when they’re talking. And do not expect  students stop you when you are sitting at your desk pouting              giphy1 
  3. Don’t You Dare Ask Anyone To Do Any Math Equation On The Board.
    You will be marked down as the teacher from hell if you dare to ever stop a student if you disregard #3 interrupt a conversation to say, ” Malcolm, care to solve this equation on the board?” If you do, we have the right to say no!  If your force students and try to embarrass them out of spite you will tarnish your reputation on lunch break. Trust me you don’t want to the talk of the town during congregation hour.
    giphy2
  4. Frequent Treats.
    This is probably the most important way to become the best teacher. Make our time meaningful and fruitful if you going to speaking about mundane info. You have to appeal to your  students, so why not appeal to their sense? Come to class with free donuts, give out free candy, come with free pizza. Make my nose go up and eyes wide from the smell of treats. It’s a great way to keep your students in check and attentive. Why? well it’s almost like a deal, if you give to us we will give to you. You want good grades, well we want FOOD!
    giphy32
  5. Talk To Us About Current Things In Pop Culture.
    Be current. Be new. Be hip. If you smoke a little weed, pop a molly Fridays, have sex, part of Bey-Hive share that with your students! We want to connect with you some how some way. Humans are yearning for some connection with each other some how some way. As a student, we want to know can you sit with us at the lunch table. If you can’t relate to or youthful nature then you mind as well educate senior citizen on World War 2. Incorporate today things in your teachings if you want to be a great teacher!
    giphy5
  6. NO Homework.
    This is very simple easy to follow. Easy said and done! Students got lives outside of your class. Do not be egotistical, selfish teacher and assign homework on any given reason. If you follow #1 do not give out homework to compensate. You will be dismissed! So be nice, be sweet, respect our time with no homework! Save your students from depression.
    giphy2
  7. Keep Parents Out Of Students Business.
    It’s none of the parents business about anything. You heard of the saying snitches gets stitches? If you care about your job have some dignity and self-respect. Don’t go running to Billy Bobs mom because he put you in your place or corrected your outdated teaching skills. We know how information best will resonate with us, so believe a student when he/she says, “Your shit is whack!” Who cares is Mary-Jane skipped school to play video games. What happen in the school stays in school. Telling parents is consider home wrecking and you don’t to fuck someone home shit up because you want can’t mind your business.

giphy1

 

Prompt – We Can Be Taught

Recommended Reads: My Favorite Books

Eat, Pray, Love

 I’m currently re-read this book for the second maybe third time. I bought on my nook where I can highlight and note take without destroying the pages. Why I recommend this book? well, besides the fact it was starred by the famous Julia Roberts, I am inspired by self help and spiritual journey books. In a brief summary if you have seen the movie its basically depress girl indulges in Italian culture of food and people. Then, Liz flies to India to learn self discipline, prayer, and her higher self.  Lastly, she goes to Bali to find love, well not intentionally but she does anyways. I love this book, especially when she is in Italy eating all day!

Eckhart-Tolle-The-Power-Of-Now-Review

I haven’t finished this book yet, talk bout POWERFUL. The reason why I recommend this book is because its extremely good and brings a lot of interesting perspective and reasoning to many things about yourself. I haven’t finished the book because deep down I feel like my mind doesn’t want to finish it and be figured out.  My mind avoids the need to pick up this book like the need to do other things when its time to do homework. The book is sort of difficult to get through because of the new understanding it brings. It like understanding Albert Einstein…okay, maybe that’s a strong comparison. Either way, its still a learning experience worth buying

 

Natural-Cures-They-Don-t-Want-You-to-Know-about-9780975599594

This book changed my LIFE! I random fell upon this book at the age of 18 in 2010. It was just chilling at my grandmothers house I decided to look at it and it opened my mind to so many things. It was like the secrets of society and its cruelness was finally explained to me. He explained the money making scams to sell medicinal drugs, show insight on how to really  take care of yourself whether or not these cures actually work, it’s extremely informative and benefice for your life! This what really ignite the spiritual side in me although its not spiritual book.

 

outwitting-the-devil

This is my new bible. I swear to everything I love whether or not you actually believe the author spoke with the devil or not. You learn so much about how negativity spreads, how negativity grabs the hold on people. You’ll learn to how to be self sufficient. I actually reference this book in a post once explaining how to teach children. It’s by far one the best books I’ve read.

 

vc-andrew_flowers-in-the-attic

NEED I SAY MORE. THIS BOOK COMPELLS ME TO BE A WRITER!  I’m sort of being lazy by not elaborating on the book. This book is old though, most of my mother generation read this book. They came out with a corny ass movie that do this book the worst reference. This book is AMAZING! TEN STARS!  The whole entire series was just outstanding. I cannot stress how much this book made me want to write. It made me find my writing voice. It inspired me to grab the readers by the eyes and ripped them out with just my words alone. This book is a masterpiece.

That’s all.
Any suggestions for me ?

What books spoke to you the most?

Writer’s Block Party: Food, Drinks, and Confusion For FREE!

Daily Prompt: Writers Block Party

When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?

Well before I start… COME OUT TO THE DAILY ANNUAL WRITERS BLOCK PARTY FREE CONFUSION! FREE PANIC ATTACKS! FREE DEPRESSION! FREE FOOD AND DRINKS! FREE NO KNOWN WAY TO GET OUT OF IT

Everyday @ anytime! located on In Your Mind Street Between the Devil and Inspirational Avenue

Come meet local mourners around you and celebrate one of the most forgotten writers diseases in history of inscribing 

That’s it, just wanted to promote this event.

So… To  answer this question I am currently in a writers block and have been for the whole summer. Why? Well, because I want to start on my memoir and don’t know how to begin. Also, I don’t want to relive some of the most haunting memories. I just know I have a great story to tell. I don’t want to spell all that I am going to write in that book on here. Then, I don’t want to update nonsense. I want to update quality that is going to attract people. This is not Facebook and Twitter.

Yes, Daily prompt helps to a degree, it helps me stay relevant. I don’t like to feel forced to write or write about what some one else suggested. I want my blog to be organic.

I figure I have to read or experience more so i have something to write about. This is so not the journey I thought blogging will be. I never really experience the pressure of writers block until i started blogging. Well I never really took writing seriously prior to that.

I figure if I follow, read more write more, I can write more, I don’t know.I know I am still in a writers block. So I cant even say how I got out of it.