Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

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The Prom Picture of 2010…Five Years Later

I sat in the living appreciating this rare moment in which I was in solitude. It’s a rare time when my young brother leaves for the day and my mom is out for work simultaneously.  I laid across the brown leather love seat closest to the window with my up legs against the arm of the chair and my head against the other. I placed my nook down after spending some time reading “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. It’s such an inspirational work of art that causes me to reflect on my own much more, or much deeper I suppose. I resonated with another human taking about a brave task to center herself in the natural world, hiking through the snowy alps of her memories, with the attitude to keep on going. I stared out the window looking at the building adjacent absorbing the midday sun. It didn’t look like it was cold outside since I’m warm and the sun rays were at its peak for the day.  I got up still listening to the silence of the house accompanied by my thoughts. I made way to the brown wall unit that held the flat screen TV framed with pictures of the of me as a kid, awards, fancy ornaments given from friends that traveled, but one picture stood out the most. I was only looking at the wall unit to see my reflection. Me wearing my multicolored tights of red, yellow, orange, green, and blue. It sparked the sun light and the glass window on the furniture reflected it. I tried doing a dance move fixing the posture reminding myself again how my form and precision sucks. I needed to take professional dance classes immediately.

I glanced down and saw a picture of my prom of me and my distant friend Tammy, who lives back in her hometown in Canada. I studied my face shaking my head at the split image resemblance I had of my father. We both shared the same strikingly bright smile with deep dimples and naturally straight teeth. The gene that brought me many compliments and possible wooed people over. The gene that always cleared me at the dentist without typically brushing my teeth twice a day everyday and flossing. I smiled thinking I look older, but not much older. The date across the picture sealed in album says, “THS PROM 2010” I thought, “wow that was five years ago” and I wasn’t pleased with that thought. I bunched my lips to the side feeling a sense of pity for myself.  I kept thinking what the hell I did or accomplished this past five years and I couldn’t a finger on it. Although small accomplishments were made, I did feel like I should be at a better place where I am at now. Honestly, I am. I am just not satisfied. For when I look at between 2010 I saw many changes.

My rareness of my smile has now dampened. The left side of my face undergo facial weakness soon after that prom picture was taken, that at one point it completely took my smile away from me. It has yet full restored, I do believe it will in time, after I start a healthier eating lifestyle. The picture was taken on my left side profile and it occurred to me also I was able to hear out of both ears. That was taken away from me, as well,  after a major operation in 2013 which made me look like Vince Van Gogh for Halloween. Then I funneled into a negative thought spell even more.

What was I doing for the past five years? I couldn’t pinpoint an answer. Other than feeling like a totally failure or a stagnant being. Stuck in mud. Chained to a leash that illusion me of making progress and when I wasn’t. I felt like I did nothing but fail at college over and over. I already got kicked out from a community college for failed grades. I hated school and still do, but at the time I honestly wasn’t certain on what I wanted to do. However, I sure did sounded like it. “I want to be a weather man” I would say to other people to me sound like I had a solid direction like everyone around me. I gave me parents the safety belt while making me look good to other people. I claimed to what seemed probable to me. I had this long deep desire for tornadoes not understanding is not the broadcasting weather I want to do, it was just simply going to the great plains to chase a tornado. That specifically. I didn’t want to know the chemistry of weather. I joined my first relationship broken then every before at the same time in college. With that I thought that community college right in the garbage and did not care. I had no friends there, all my close friends were gone away to school, and I stopped doing my hobby to sustain my first job and college. When this relationship came along I had to be in the mindset that it will make everything better. That my life will give color again. The taste of freedom, love, and consistency will be given to me by once person to compensate the state I was in. So I grasped all of that while waving college I hated goodbye.

I put my time and energy into that creation for the next four years, switching to another school failing at that again for not wanting to be there, and getting fired from two jobs back to back, while trying to understand my wants and needs in the mist trying my hardest to fulfill the ramifications of another. Lets add also, trying to succeed in my hobby that challenges you emotionally, mentally, physically, and my wallet.  I looked back at my relationship and really think I failed miserably.

I don’t know if the feelings stated play apart in the long feeling of inertia the burdens my back and day-to-day activities, but when I look at that picture from 2010 I couldn’t help myself but to funnel in this pool of mess and low self-esteem. The unexplained lethargy have embodied my much more these past few months. As I trying to heighten my sense of self I do understand I have to come to terms with myself about many, many things.  It’s like opening wounds so they can heal properly, but being much more content with slapping band-aids when a reopening occurs. That’s mostly what I have been doing prior my self-awareness journey; point fingers, blame, forget, runaway.  I know how my thoughts gravely affects my mood. My thoughts influences my experiences, my thoughts can heal and destroy, manifest, I know I am an unlimited being connected to all.  I know, I believe, I witnessed. I know my power. It’s point in which you stop just knowing and start apply what I know to better myself. It’s that purgatory between knowing and doing.

A letter to you

You may never read this. For you may never speak to me again and I wouldn’t know how you would fall upon this without me sending it to you. But I need to clear my conscious

You  don’t know how I handle stuff how I handle my issues and emotions. Just because it doesn’t appear through every action, and I don’t drop dead to every longing issue, does not dismiss or devalues how I feel INSIDE. I can hear the anger of my father one day and go to school the next like nothing ever happened, so don’t you ever dare say how I felt before this was a lie!

It’s very hard on me that you left. Its feels like a major part of me has been gone. Like you we were  just an imaginative state for over a thousand days. Fragments of dreams stuck in limbo and it hurts me.

Did I mean anything to you? How can it be easy of you to just immediately stop speaking to me so instantly? Do you know how this makes me feel. The man I had some many dreams to fill so many memories to make.

Its fucking me up mentally. I wish you could fucking understand. I feel crazy and insane for knowing this imaginary world I built in my head that fueled the things I’ve done for you is….

In my mind I had settled. I built our future to far ahead naively thinking you would never leave. I naively expected you to lift me off my feet and save me from me. When I came to realize no one can save me from me but me. I had blind faith for reasons I do not know.

I love you. I built part of me in this relationship and its taken from me. At least  I would do is small talk. Being friends. I always thought you would be part of my life forever. No matter together or not

My fantasy shattered and I’m forced to face the reality of myself and this ordeal. I feel empty and lost urge to do anything. Don’t pity for i have spent my days at home watching Netflix and going to work.

Your image of me is wrong. You somehow think I would continue in my ever so fulfilled social life and “friends” when you have not yet graps the reality of it. Out of all of my ever changing social experiences YOU were the only thing consistant and I layed part of me in that. That I am not alone. That no matter who comes in and out my life. You would always be there.

I’m still not whom you may think I am. And I am for sure your assumptions of me now, in this absences of us, is wrong.

I am not okay. I am not okay. I haven’t exhaled my emotions just bottled them up I can’t bring myself to release what I feel.

All I want to do is cope while in your arms although I am hurt by you i want to cry. That’s seems like the only way I can move on, since this is what you want.

Its extremely hard writing this. I… I just… Love you.

Longing for Gravity…and Food.

Okay! So the Bible was right after all and so were the conspiracy theorist.
I look out the small window at the huge blue star that was once my home.
I should be happy I got this chance to float in the air deporting into this huge space of omni-consciousness. But I am not, I am going to miss my planet and home.

so you are probably wondering why I am in this ship floating? well, the first thing is because there is no gravity in space obviously. Secondly, The government destroyed our home. These aliens came and attacked us. The aliens however were government creations that they used to stage this alien vs human war. They did this so we can all be one and having unison way of living. Yeah, the government failed.

So in return we are flying to Mars to start anew. Mars is no longer a dead red planet. It’s currently in the process of being an Earth duplicate.
But no one can duplicate perfection. When are humans going to learn this?
Oh look, a huge dark red mushroom cloud is sprouting from Earth, please and I pray let that be Sallie Mae.
Earth; It’s dying a slow death.

You know as much as I dreamed of being out of space I always thought I will be able to return to my house to make a cheeseburger
Oh the agony and despair I am going to miss many things
The way the summer sun wakes wakes me up at 7 am when it finally reaches my window.
The morning rays welcomed in by my open curtains colored in beige.
I’m going to miss when my toes press against the morning dew on the grass creating a ticklish sensation.

I’m going to miss the transparent blanket above me that nature used to dance, paint, and sing its forces.
I love the way the hard rain hits the concrete, it sounds like a soft waterfall I never got the chance to see.
The even tempered spring winds that grazed through my Afro and laminated my skin.

There better be some fried shrimp and lobster in mars for me to devour. I want an order of pristine water, Junior Cheesecake, and cookie dough ice cream.

Pizza better cost a dollar like it did in New York City or else they would have a stern talk coming their way. I have no mars money either so they better have so sympathy.
“Look martians my home go destroyed by devil infested humans, I need to eat!” I would say, only if they try me!

What about my Facebook!
and my Netflix!

OH MY GOD! MY CELLPHONE!

At least my college debt is destroyed, I hope…

Daily Prompt: Longing for Gravity

Y’ALL FACEBOOKERS SUCK!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS'ERS!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS’ERS!

First and foremost I would like to thank all that have followed me and gave wonderful feedback about my writing. You guys are influencing my ever-changing career goal. I just may have solidified  my “calling” to writing. Just no academic writing. Or in other words, A nice way to put upper class words in chaotic sentence structures with Aristotle worded synonyms.

 

I am not here for THAT!
However, I figured I lighten up my blog with a more humorous side. I don’t want to appear like 1994 Mary J. Blige and depressed and shit.
ya’ know! 

 

So as a common Facebooker I decided to shed a few tips on how to use Facebook, in my opinion:

WE THE CITIZENS OF AMERICA DON’T CARE WHAT BUS STOP YOU’RE SITTING AT. What I don’t understand

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

is the necessary notion to poorly detail your incomplete thoughts that will not generate a single like. What does one saying, ” I see an ant on the ground” do to anything to better humanity! Better yet, do anything period well, you gave the ant a shout out hooray! Like it really honestly annoys me. Most of the time it be disgusting blunt posts like…”Watching Porn” or “sniffing coke”…yeah, It get’s very real out in cyber land. I know Facebook is technically another blog and makes them bloggers…right? What they post is considered “published” You can’t then say, It’s too person, to be too personal, cause we do strive for that as bloggers right? …but bitch, still..NO! F.B. IS NOT FOR THAT! its social media…BE SOCIAL NOT PERSONAL!

 

 

STOP LYING ON FACEBOOK. No dead seriously, Tom you cannot lie to Dick and Harry when you are taking a selfie in the bathroom that is not yours. Not when Dick and Harry been to your house, pissed in your toilet, washed their hands (this very uncommon nowadays) to look up at your dirty mirror above the sink. They know that marble sink in the bottom of your selfie is NOT yours, nor that crystal clean mirror reflecting the hotel bed.

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

Oh yeah bro, you are not low!

91fca4c72f12552f50fe55e0e6d01335BE PUBLICLY PRIVATE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. “Publicly Private” is my own phrase I will soon copyright meaning to be publicly open about your relationship but what goes in your relationship is private. Or for that matter any involvement of you. Have some damn privacy!  You are doing nothing but embarrassing yourself arguing on a Facebook post when y’all can simply text or call each other. You trying to embarrass your longest relationship of two weeks by exploiting your partner of all the hoes he slept with…Well darling, you should’ve thought about this before asking a hand in marriage. Deep down we all know most of the Facebook relationship die faster than your Iphone. Give the relationship the chance to fertilization and germinate before you abort it on Facebook. Learn from Jay-z and Beyoncé or all of your 2,000 friends will shake their heads like at you! Like, “wasn’t yesterday they were so in love, wow! Hollywood much?”

WHY BE SO NEGATIVE?  I cannot stress this so much. Why be so negative, Why? These videos showing missing legs, dead

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

people, dis formed babies and dogs…this is not Saw 6! These graphic images do nothing but desensitize you making you even more of a colder human being. Why like the photo knowing the everybody on the timeline is going to see that. whether you believe so or not doing that is adding negativity to the loads of it that we deal basically. Especially when you scroll down seeing nothing but several people “Hating” something! I hate this, I hate that, I don’t like this, she said that. It depressing.  I honestly think it shows the state of mind of an individual of they doing point #1 of this list and it all negative…We start saying nice things like how green the grass is or the nice weather. Even a new sale going on at Popeye’s I CAN GO FOR THAT AT LEAST!

 

I am NOT LIKING SHIT YOU TELL ME!  To simply point. You saying LMS (Like My Status) for whatever reason is dumb and just there to add to your ego that I refuse to stroke! Even these LMS about Jesus shit. IT’S PROPAGANDA!  You are not going to mentally make me feel guilty and bad when the person who probably post it is sucking dick in the alley! … DO NOT tell me to like a mutherfucking thing with these threats saying i’m going to hell.

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

That is all folks.

I hope we all everyday strive for a for a better Facebook because it is very important in our lives. Where would we would be we without Facebook? …probably higher in life

 

LOST

I am lost like never before.
I am confused like never before.

I am uncertain.
I am not content.

. . . .

The freezing wings marathon across my eye lids lifting the tears off my eye ducts.
Self induced tears.
Words in liquid state.
. . . .

Walking to this bus stop in so much pain and anger. Two hours early the alarm rings off at 8:45am walking me up from a sleep that was not long and deep, but rather short intervals, many in an hour. The sleep being a result from going to bed at 1:00am concluding a day drenched in uncertainty  and confusion. That day Wednesday was unprofessional. I strive in distress to make it to class on time. I got there late and quit. I hate school  education institutions called college. To work afterwards is too much, too demanding from be being free and simple.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m so confused.