Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

Eat Yourself To Death

So were pretty much all drug addicts to some degree. Instead we are not sniffing white powder or sharing needles

We are eating it and its okay! Since it is all in the name of profit.

I really want to fixate my lifestyle to a more health independent style of living. We are so far off disharmonious with humanity and nature it’s the main reason for primarily in my opinion 99% of our issues. I blame the necessary game of Capitalism. The need to always in a sense maximize your profits. This without a doubt creates the need to drive the self-ego so high it becomes destructive from take any means necessary to be on top. 

tumblr_myye37qYif1toiuoco1_500This than sparked my new perspective on part of the world today and why its so hard to live a positive well filled life we were meant to live.

After watching a ton and one documentaries about things that run America ( Business, Politics, Money)  I started to how everything is connected with the issues we have today down the individual.

More and more and more It leads to the top of  Billion dollar corporate business’s


To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. – Buddah

Food industries and drugs industries go hand and hand with even more hands on the political influence that regulates them. Food companies make profit of people that they can make addicted to it. So food industries, with the dogma of getting the most profit off the lowest production value possible create these dead foods that lack substantial amount of its natural nutrition through it being processed and drench in tons of additives!

common sense once your body lacks nutrition you can get sick, plus the known dangerous chemicals added to the food like (dye, aspartame, corn syrup)  enhance other health problems.

What happens when you get sick ?

You run to the drug companies and pay a fortune that is suppose to Aide to your health, but does it? No, well not in the risk of thousands of other complication the drug can cause in you alone.
so to aid the complication of a headache from eating MC Donald’s, you add aspirin to the mix on top of the thousands of chemicals added to your foods. You body is on a consistent under attack! 

Now with these companies with these billions of dollars sponsor politicians with paid persuaders called “Lobbyist” to push regulations that bet suits them. Consumer corps do the same thing, as well as banks. Especially during these presidential elections, if you took the time to research which big banks sponsored these presidents as well as drug companies,  You will be in awe! as I was 




Drugs industries make money of people that are sick. Each pill taken is equated to a certain amount of money that can be profit off a person. Do you really think that these Donation companies are looking for a direct cure? No companies are not going to cure, with a pill, a disease that they are making billions and billions of dollars off of. They will however make a strong of pill that can lets say kill 99.99% of disease and tell you to take one strong pill a day for the rest of your life. A lifetime customer guaranteed! 

Like Lysol, I always questions why don’t they kill all 100% of the bacteria, Well, if they did there would be no need to buy another Lysol and the business will run out of profit. that 00.01% bacteria can reproduce and then Hey! time to buy more.

I don’t want to sound Hippie-like but getting in touch with our origin would better soothe us then some next man. Nature seems to take care well of every other species except for us. Humans and their ego thinking we can survive on our own and we cant.

Man made food are destructive, as well as man made health !  

Its like a negative seed that grows with the help of negative charged water, to  water a negative plan with positively charged water it will die.

and that how I see these corporations. As for ever time someone wants to do good that threatnes their profits they come and swipe them away with these regulations that suits processed food companies only, were we as consumers loose the full right to eat healthy

but we can splurge on MC Donald 24/7

I sometimes break these effects down to a human cognitive

I steal food because I don’t’ have food,  I don’t have food because I cant afford, I cant afford 549f708772d87741b65ddab0f652b6fdbecause I don’t make enough money, I don’t make enough money because wages are stagnant, stagnant wages inconsistent with inflation risen, inflation rise etc etc !

The Top 1 % that are in america control the flow of money, but if the flow of money is a full cycle of negativity, everything that building out of money will be negative because the meaning and core of money in itself aid to selfishness of these business owners and the constitutions protecting government complete control and regulation for the people, because they billion dollar companies influence the political structure.

Sit down and think about it and wonder why things the way they are and slowly as I am you would see clearly why.  

Just educate yourself, Do be so dependent on companies with these “experts” We do not know more than nature and the thought that we do is why we are in this disharmonious cycle 

If you have Netflix WATCH!
Hunger for change
Food Matters
Food Inc
Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 

Read :Cures they don’t know you to know by Kevin Trudeau 

One Ear: The Surgery (part III)

Several Days Later…
was set for my first surgery. By this time my infectious disease was cleared to a safe level. So people didn’t have to walk around me with gas masks as prevention. My legs weakened, but I wasn’t aware how fast your legs actually gets week. I was already in a strict bed rest for about four days straight. I was moved for the third time to a room with a roommate. I didn’t like it. I liked the spacious privacy ICU provided. Luckily, I had the bed to the window. This window was my key hope to dream.

I looked at this window and watch the sun walk across the sky with confidence. I saw the overview of the entire Bronx and the Manhattan buildings. I timed when exactly the sun will reach to my window so I can try to gaze and absorbed the light.

I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to go outside when I wanted to.
I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to choose what I wear.
I lost the freedom to breathe fresh air. I lost the freedom to watch TV.  I lost freedom to be social, to be me. All I did in my days before judgment day was sit in the one bed and watch TV repeat it’s self 3 times a day. I definitely learned that Cable is rip off.

The day of surgery came. I was boarded downstairs in a waiting room as the countdown began. The process went as follows: The doctors, about four of them were going to open the back of my ear and drill a hole. This process is called a mastoidectomy. From scans they found out a large collections of cells in my inner ear which is suppose to be empty for sound to travel. The inferred that was the reason for my chronic infections as it was from birth.

The put me to sleep. I wake up four hours later. groggy, fatigued, and down right numb. The doctor however gave me bad news. They couldn’t get all the cells from out my ear it was so much. It destroyed all the soft bone in my inner ear and also reached in the balance part in my ear. I started to cry immediately.
In my room I spent Halloween there, with some positive thinking I thought well, why not be Vince Van Gough. I mean, like, he had one ear and looked fashionable. Plus, we both shared the same brace over the face. Around this time a few of my family members came. My mother came almost everyday since I been here and a few friends. I was grateful.

I couldn’t hear though out my ear with the brace, Nor could I walk, my stomach was extremely constipated with the constant 24hr antibiotic I was one. This was the horrid of the whole experience. I did not want to walk around with that damn IV machine. I felt like I was way stronger than moving around that 6 foot  four legged metal garbage. I refuse to identify with that thing. With every given chance I tried to unhook myself from it.

The last wave came.  The surgeon came to me a few days later, which is nearing towards my second week there, she told me how I was going to need a second surgery and I need to consent to it. This surgery was going to be even more intense with a life changing cost. I were to completely loose my hearing in order to permanently put this cause to rest. Also, they were going to remove the balance in my ear since it too was eroded away by the devil. I exclaimed in dismay the tragic news. All that I knew instantly when to shambles. I didn’t know how to cope with this. This was the lost my spirit has been broken.

In the same token I grew awareness to those spirits who has been broken like my brother, homeless people, those in catastrophe. It’s a heavy burden greater then yourself that locks your thoughts in a realm of negativity. There is no such thing as light when your spirit is truly broken.

I consented the surgery. I had no choice. I undergo another 4-5 hour surgery.  The day before and day of I heavily recited a mantra Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung.  Meant for healing and safe recovery. I repeated this like my life depended on it which it did. If not, I was told to have to keep getting this surgery for the rest of my life if they cannot get every single cell out! They were not going to make me a profitable thing.

After the surgery I was extremely drowsy even worse then before. The sedation was said to be much heavy and longer than before. All I saw was my mom again and my aunt sitting with me in the recovery room when I woke up. “Son, they were able to remove every single cell from your ear”

I cried again so strong yet still so weak from the sedation. I could barely speak. Happiness marathon across my cheeks before she could even say “ear”. It was such a heart warming feeling to know that all of this was over.
Completely over.
For good.

I figured thought it was me saying that mantra over and over even while I was being put under sleep. I was just glad to put this thing to rest. It took some time to getting used though not being able to hear from the left side. Isn’t much different then hearing out of both. There are some disadvantages, but none like what I thought when I first got the news. I thought I had to change careers .. No more Tv/radio. no more tv personality.

No hearing Aide either, if you saw what robot they had that will be attach to my head. NO MADAME!

One Ear: I Thought It Was A Headache.

It’s been almost six months since I was unexpectedly force to turn a new leaf.
I lost my hearing in my left ear. I can’t hear. It closed like a store going out of business.
Here is what happened…
I’m a survivor.

We heard this saying many times before, “You can be hear today and gone tomorrow.” Boy, did this prophetic saying consume me on Friday, October 25th 2013.  It was a normal cold day for me before New York endured a brutal winter. I had just finished my class. Friday ended another dramatic week between my soul mate and I. Still regurgitating my mix feelings from that I decided to a Vogue competition to pay homage for those who had died the past year. I got there late however, because of my class. Me and many other late comers were stranded cold outside H.M.I.

It was very funny because, we were trying so hard to go to a place that was over capacity instead of just giving up and going home. People called others to sneak them in, others used their political powers, some made it in others including me didn’t. One of my haus members said on 14th Street in a center there held another “function.” So the leftovers decided “hey why not.” So we all walked from Astor place to 13 St. which is roughly a 20 minute walk.

There, I competed against others that participated in this underground culture. Surprisingly, I got my first win. After countless of failed battles I finally won! I was excited to win a 25 dollars best buy gift card. (which I still haven’t used yet, I just don’t know what to buy from there.)  This was definitely inspiring to compete in a more major competition involving 500$ for the winner, in little over a month.  I celebrated my victory in BBQ’s with a few others drinking and eating, feeling like an outcast, but still being around people was fun.

I‘m on the 6 train heading home. Randomly, a small pain in the back of my neck appeared. I thought it was my du-rag that was on my head was too tight. So, I loosen the head wrap.

Ten minutes pass and the pain literally traced the back of my head to the other side of my ear, from left to right. I then thought, okay, well it’s just a headache from the McDonald I ate earlier. Maybe, I’d just ate and danced too soon.

Twenty minutes passed
Now, I thought I am just experiencing a migraine as the pain intensified quickly! The pain got so intense that I couldn’t even walk to the bus stop with out stopping every two steps. I would walk with my right hand over my right eye, my left head was massaging the back of my neck. It was night by this time, so I could have just looked in distress or suffering a headache.

This wasn’t a regular headache though. My neck bolting and throbbing constantly in agony, I knew something was up. I aboard sitting right at the front of the bus. There I squirmed, panted, and convulse slightly rushing to get home on the bus. My eyes weighed a ton. The lights around me felt like needles piercing my eyes. The stiffness grew extremely tight to where I couldn’t pull my head back without increasing the the pain already there. Breathing became painful as letting too much oxygen hurt my brain.

When I got off the bus It took me ten minutes to walk home when it would only take three. I would stop mid walk about to wail in pain so high. I wanted to pick up the phone and call my mom downstairs to save me. This crisis whipped me so quickly in a matter of minutes. Trembling, I take out my keys for the lobby door. I took out my keys for my apartment door. I still was in so much pain. I thought, well let me just make some tea, maybe with some tea and a hot shower this headache would simmer.

I grab a pot. Filled it with water. Then, I went to the bathroom looking in the mirror I’m greeted with a face of despair. I grab the ibuprofen. I sit in my foyer squirming again. I’m kicking and panting. The throbbing. The bolts of pain. I grew cold and I said that’s enough. I can’t walk. I desperately was in need for my mom as she was peacefully sleeping. I awake her violently with my cry for help. she jumps out the bed as a mother would saying, “What, Dontae, what is wrong?”

Mom, I have to go to the hospital I can’t walk my head hurts so bad and it’s so stiff.”  Still, I wish I can start crying to some how release the emotions built up. All I can do is put on my shoes. My body was attacking me from the inside and I had to fight against it to mobilize myself. We jumped in the car. My mother questions me about what may have caused this. All I can say was I don’t know!

She grunts and tries to drive at a reasonable fast speed. Its midnight now. We arrived at the emergency room still excruciating and trembling. The distortion of my face prompt the nurses to ready me first for the doctor. As they taking my blood pressure and temperature I scream for them to hurry up and solve this issue. My mom worried immensely argues with the nurses to find a doctor quick. The workers, I hear them. They are trying to calm my mother as she starts to become uneasy.

I purge all the food I had that day. The McDonald’s, the liquor, the chicken from BBQ’s. I even saw a spot of white digested in the mix. The ibuprofen never reached my blood stream. The nurses panic and rushed me to a bed giving me a blue bag to purge into. Eventually, I got stabilized in the emergency room.

I‘m placed in a bed. I’m kicking, screaming, yelling, fidgeting, fussing in the covers. I finally started to cry in agony. I cry out for my mother hurry her to get the doctor. I cry out for my mother to hold my hand. She was my only God at the moment. Breathing too deeply caused immense pressure to the back of my head. Lifting my head up, to the left and right caused immense pressure to the back of my head. There was no escaping the pain…unless I don’t think, just still and bite the bullet.

Hours upon hours I sit in a pool of distraught. The doctor still never came. Eventually…he did.
In tears, describe to the all the situations I am going through and what I feel like. He delivered a few choice words saying how he is going to do a spinal tap. This a process in which they draw liquid from your spine to test for white blood cell count.

I ball up in a fetal position. He explains the process once more. If I move to much I can paralyze myself as it only take a wrong tap into a neuron.

A minute later he says, “Yeah, It is what I thought it would be. The liquid is extremely cloudy indicating a massive infection. I think you have…”

Hell To The Pile Of Trash No!!!

What the hell seriously! I want to throw this 1960’s computer out my 21st floor apartment window and let it fertilize the grass with its invisible infections.



Recently, my computer contracted a virus infecting a little over 1,500 files. I had no clue, for I had done a previous scan before, but since my beloved Malwarebytes Anti-Malware software was not updated it could not catch these bastards.

Who in their left mind who invented viruses for computers. Don’t go and say it was something that was inevitable to happen like glitches or some bullshit, because to be frank with you guys computers came from humans and should have been made without being susceptible to a virus.

The conspiracy theorist in me says,” They made viruses for computer so they can make more profit by selling viral protection softwares

HELL TO THE NO! (In my Glee voice)

This computer has one more time to fuck shit up

This computer has one more time to fuck shit up

I refuse to be another patent profit victim like how the health industry already done. You won’t catch this negro! Word!

I am annoyed

I am frustrated

I have a book to write, a blog to update, I cannot continuously keep working from my phone and reading tablet. It’s a damn shame when these devices works faster than an actual computer! A serious shame. I can’t go to a library because they time you and forty minuets is not enough, especially with my wanderlust mind.

Say hello to my little friends Dell PC

Say hello to my little friends Dell PC

I don’t know what to do yet, this is like me third day trying to clean this garbage and when I do it freezes trying to rid what is now 150 or so infected files.

I need a laptop. I need some food.

P.s. Believe me when I say this wasn’t caused by porn. Truly, sincerely, believe me. As for my brother, I wouldn’t know,  I’m trying to figure out these crumbling pieces of paper towels myself.