Within In Myself.

Within In Myself.

It’s really hard loving yourself wholeheartedly. As much as I want to, I wish it was so easier said then done. It’s not that easy to know wholesomely who I am when I am consistently changing. It’s rather difficult to identify yourself without the ego. Unless, there is no identity through the fall of the ego, which is the voice that keeps us attached to ideals, image, habits, people. As I read all the time, the fall of the ego brings the feeling of oneness. What I question is the process in which it happens, what do you feel in this transition?

The difficulty is trying to understand what is the ego in you to know what changes to make within. I  have some sense, some minuscule understanding of it. However, I am not sure when exactly my ego comes into play. I know when it’s off usually in times of advice giving, I can sound like the most level headed, open minded, Ghandi-loving therapist ever. But with me, I am a lot less straightforward. I barely listen to my own advice.

Maybe I need to relax. That’s why I am writing this now. Venting.

At times I feel like I love me, then at times I feel like I don’t. Okay, saying I don’t sounds so much more downgrading then in actuality. When I say I don’t, I mean I feel as if I don’t love myself in its fullest potential. We all fall short right? and that’s okay?

Where we are now, we are so obsessed with self identifying. Maybe from a mutual understanding that we all lack a true understanding of our self. You have to have some identity going on. One much define themselves through something. One must have an obsession with something, a favorite something. Becoming nothing more than walking brand, walking egos.

And the minute you want to dis-identify you feel the forces that makes you identify with something or someone.

I don’t know where I was going with this. I just feel conflicted.

I want to be me to the my fullest potential. I feel that I am not, because there are more “important” factors that needs to be worried about, making good income, getting a degree, anything and everything outside of me.

Damn you early 20s.

No Excuses by Alexi Panos

Her name? Alexi Panos. Who is she exactly? I honestly don’t know. I am just learning about her as you all will be once you hear this intriguing, uplifting  message about responsibility, or better yet, “Excuses.”

How often do you find yourself putting the blame unto others for mishaps in your life? How often has those blames been justifiable? Not many I suppose.

Her explanation is quite simple, everything is your fault.

“We either cause it or allow it!”

Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

Alright! my peoples, who are you all guys are going?  I am doing well over here, thanks for asking. And if you didn’t ask, well…thank you anyways.  So in my last post, I spoke about a few of my May favorites. Which as of now they still are but I can’t wait to express some of my June favorites at the end of the month. However, since then, approximately 14 days past and I can say I pretty pleased with how things are going on.

Birthday/Hamptons

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In front of the Cohens Estate

First, I am now 23. My birthday was on June 6 and guys, I had the best birthday ever! I haven’t enjoyed my birthday since my single digit days running up and down the Discovery Zone, which I believe is now out of business. The Discovery Zone was like the better version of Chuckie Cheese and McDonalds Playhouse. What made it so fun was because I celebrated my 23rd birthday in the Hampton. Yes! I am like so jumping for joy!

Breathe, okay, let me simmer.

pool

My phone actually took this, my edit skills perfected this!

………….

poodle

part of the “Stuff” were these “poodle” bracelets. A term my friend made up as we felt very pure and boogie the whole day. “Just something to walk your poodle in”

Alright, yeah, I’m ready. So, everything fell into place being that the event in the Hampton happened to be on the same day as my birthday. Perfect!. I went with a good friend of mine and an art teacher/friend. The event was a charity type donation place where people basically auctioned money to fund this school. The estate was gratifying! I never seen a house as big as this up close in personal. They had a tennis court in their front yard with 12-13 foot bushes and a beach in their backyard. Not to forget the pool along with an array of pretty flowers. The food was elegantly made, I was around expensive people. It was such a tasteful, inspiring, learning experience. I’m glad I looked the part! I left there feeling so blessed. I also left full with a few sandwiches in my bag along with other dainty Hampton stuff. I am never ever, ever, ever, going to forget such an experience. I want plenty of more of those. Actually, I want a mentor to guide me to those expenses. I want to taste the crisp air again. Until then, I will read the Hampton’s magazine and practice Law of Attraction. Ha!

Instagram lifestyle

me

@Sardoniclaugh

Aesthetics dahling! Aesthetics, aesthetics, aesthetics! Its all about the aesthetics of Instagram. Yeah, well many people may think it’s taken too seriously, but on the one hand, it does make you pay attention to whats around you more. Lately, I have been taking my Instagram feed and trying to make it more  “aesthetically pleasing” Which  is this new trendy thing going on. Basically, the goal is to have every picture compliment each other with the same borders, filters, colors, etc. Thus, you create a theme. I’ve seen some awe creative feeds that makes me scream YES! and I seen some that just makes me unfollow!  In a future post I will explain how I edit my photos, but in the mean time I need to learn how to perfect it now that I got the right tools. I think I may need an Iphone 6 or invest in a professional camera. I like quality things and social media outlets are another extension of yourself, I believe. With that, I think its very cool to have your mini representations look nice. Eventually, it will look like some brand when everything flow and is cohesive. This why I wanted to change my blog name to SardonicLaughs, though I’m realizing I may loose all my content in the process. That’s so dumb! Whether you like it or not you are being judged and look at like some brand. When need be to market myself, I want my outlets to represent me uniquely and entirely. When I tried to do a whole new IG it got deleted in the same day, like really…I was so pissed! Whatever now I will just learn the tricks and the trades. Follow me though @sardoniclaugh, please!

College

Now we all know my struggle with college has been essence of drama ever since the death of romeo. Good news burst through my email about a week ago ( starts doing the shamoney). BMCC accepted me, Yes! thank the law of attraction yet again as it always a method of prevail. I swear! I was like jumping for joy, like literally in my house on my bed spazzing out! Like honestly I was so stoked. I can now finish with in the next two years maybe even faster! I can give my parents a graduation, feel complete, then move on with my life! Surprisingly, I am hype to return back to this place. Reason be it cause I will be taking courses I hand picked, perfecting my writing skills with my new writing & literature major as well as taking up Italian. My path is finally clear! all I have to do now is drive straight to the finish line after 7 years…

Hobbies

I’ve been enjoying myself a little more lately, meaning I have been focusing a lil’ more on myself more than I have ever before. I took a risk like three weeks ago and that was to just randomly ask these people to jump double dutch at union square park. This was unnerving because I can be extremely shy to the point I will miss out on opportunities because of it. Double dutch has been very close to for as far back as the age of 5. However, due to society my parents banned me from jumping it because it was girly, and perpetuates more teasing and so forth. In return, I would sneakily jump double dutch when my parents weren’t around. It was thrilling to be rebelling the way that I was, but also scary when I got caught.  Now, I am able to fill the deep desire to do Double-Dutch-Entertainers-e1361180285187jump and do what I like without a care in the world. It’s amazing that I took the chance to ask and now I’m meeting new people. I am doing what I like to do by myself. I am proud of myself honestly, It just fine tunes another facet of me.  I am glad that I am exploring myself into these areas from voguing to double dutch, writing and more. I am doing what pleases and interest me and its rewarding.  I’m much more happier than I have been in months, Ideally because schools is out and summer is here, laugh out loud. Oh, yeah and I started dancing again and performing this weekend in Harlem, NY. So excited to be on stage again in a custom being me!

Expert level much!

Well, I think that is all for now. I’m thinking about posting on a scheduled basis like twice a week at a certain time that way its best for consistency, organization, and expectations for readers. I’m still on the fence about my blog name, blah! Until next time, CIAO!

Snapchat: Sardoniclaughs
Instagram: Sardoniclaugh
Tumblr: MesardonicMesarcastic
Twitter: @fantasyFatality

Daily Prompt: In the Summertime

Greatest Bloggin’ Struggles

Greatest Bloggin’ Struggles

Months ago, maybe more like a year ago I asked how to do people balance their reader. After following so many blogs, one can deal with a lot of clutter from reply to comments, reading others blogs, and making your own. On top of that, you have your daily life and other priorities to upkeep that can make commenting and reading blogs kinda tedious. I’ve been blogging a little over a year having points in time where I want to revamp and take a new direction with my site.

So far, I’d changed my layout like twice leaving it to where it is now, which I can say has a cafe feel to it. I expanded my content into subjects for viewers to pick and choose. Thus, I can organize my content while expanded my site to represent me more. I can now explore more subjects. Recently, ( like a post or two ago) I try expanding the quality of my writing. Meaning, I’m trying to upgrade my style and vocabulary when need too. When I decide to just free-write, I’m not caring too much of the technicality of things. More so an extended Facebook post.

However as my blog expands and changes over time with me, I run into a few adversities. Some of them being stats, consistency, clutter, length of post and so forth. At times I feel like I may write too long and people aren’t really into reading novels the size of Stephen king, but still want to get a handful of goodness without reading tweets, you know?

Now I am thinking about more changes I can do to my site. I am really contemplating reducing my site’s name. MesardonicMesarcastic is cool and all but very long. I can’t imagine telling someone on the street and they actually remember the entirety of it all included the extra wordpress.com. It’s long enough to fall off a business card. Then I realize it’s easier for people to comprehend if all my social media sites are named in unison. I’m probably going to change it to SardonicLaughs, or SardonicWits. You can actually vote….

(Disclaimer: These polls are not subjected to manipulation by the Bush Administration.)

What other changes am I thinking of…uhm, well, I think–Oh yeah! I’m thinking of investing into a camera being that I want to talk photos of quality. Quality is so important…like, so-so-so important!

Anyways, I want to know what have been your stuggles blogging so far in the comment box. Also, don’t forget to vote!

Meditation App: Stop, Breathe & Think

Stop Breathe & Think–but not too much thinking. I found an interesting app that could be beneficial to you if you want to take time to meditate, track your feelings, time and guide your meditations. It’s very convenient and best of all it’s free. However, you have the option to buy extra types of meditation if you choose. All proceeds goes towards a non-profit organization called Tools For Peace (TFP).

TFP (Tools For Peace) pursuit is to galvanize people to develop compassion and kindness to all ages. They advocate their mission by providing a program with methods to practice to develop stronger compassion, and connection to self and others.The continue with in-school programs for kids, Stop Breathe & Think app (“500k and counting”), as well as retreats.

The App is so simple and easy and informative. You begin by checking in your mood. How are you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Emotions play a big part in fast manifestation so it’s important to be honest with yourself foremost.  The app then runs the calculations providing a list of guided meditations like “Gratitude,” “Joy,” and “Mindful Walk.”

If you don’t want to listen to the lady speak, you can easily time yourself up to 60 minutes long! You can even choose 1 minute if you need a moment right before you about to slap a bitch up!

Stop Breathe & Think

Your progress is tracked with awards granted for rate of completion. I haven’t done much of the guided meditation, I usually just jump to the timer.

I encourage all to Stop Breathe & download this app into your phone available for both Google play and App Store. I think it’s quite useful. I must say this app is internet based, so you cannot use it if you don’t have wifi or internet. Which is a little bummer for us New Yorkers who commute on subways. If I’m not reading or sleeping, I’m meditating on the train to avoid the pole dancers

If you want to know more about the Non-profit click here

The Past Discombobulated Months

The Past Discombobulated Months

The tragicomedies of my life still prevail! The last–I don’t know, six months has been marinated in molasses having me feel like I’m swimming in mud. I won’t even dare equate it too sweet like honey-dew. I would be lying like politicians. I had to subside on the blogging due to the daily clutter. Yes, I could have updated during the desolate work hours, however, half of my mind will constantly remind me how I should be doing school work instead. “You know all this energy you put in celebrated Mariah Carey’s song release, you could easily start your paper…and go to class on time,” my thoughts said undoubtedly. Did I listen to myself? Of course not, do I normally? Sometimes. On that particular day I just didn’t. Instead, I randomly posted an entry like a random boyfriend who unexpectedly vanished from home coming back to his relationship like, “Hey girl!” Clearly, my stats responded, “Bye Felicia!”

The precarious relationship between me and college worsen like an infectious wound. Leaving me in a deadly quandary, I had to meet with my academic advisory after being put into my last probation, “You know I’ve been trying to contact you last semester also, we were suppose to meet and speak about your grades.” I believed she lied. Although I may not always check my school email, because it’s very annoying to remember to do so, I don’t recall at all! I rolled my eyes in my mind at that statement. Whatever, anyways, she continued on about signing a promissory note that included my academic plan and what my GPA should be if I plan on to survive in that school. “Honestly, you got into this school by the skin of your teeth,” she said as I briefly explained my interminable struggles of college, including my dismissal from my last school. “Had you sent your college transcript from your last school, you wouldn’t got in.” Yeah, she is so right, but colleges want my money.

This lady probably in her late twenties, early thirties tried to reason with me through my explanation desperate to find something that will vindicate my poor grades. “So what happen that causes this?” she asked. I lifted my head up looking to the ceiling pantomiming my speechlessness with my hands and face. I couldn’t come up with a solid, plausible reason why. “Honestly, I just hate college. These loans make me question how much I really want my career. No one is forcing me other than myself and society making me feel as if college is the only way!” I ranted, “These classes are extremely uninteresting, you guys don’t offer much after radio, emotionally and mentally I feel stifled. I pay so much money to still walk into a radio station feeling inadequate.” I couldn’t be any more frank with her. The meeting went on to her concluding how internally inflicted I am, how I should really reconsider college, and so on and forth. With all things considered, I signed a few papers, promised I’ll do well and meet with her weekly for checks up. I assure you I did not attend those weekly meetings. In addition to, she wanted me to speak to my professors about my grades. I left that meeting trying to forget all that just happened to hear my heart like a siren.

Henceforth, the rest of the month followed by trying to take on too much on my plate like I tend to always do. I started a radio internship, while still doing another internship, which swallowed my Tuesdays up–my only open day. Luckily, my mom was able to drive me to Brooklyn in the mornings to my radio internship. It’s been low-key sweet; a nice one-on-one time with my mom. Also, I had the usual work and school added to the list. So, my schedule told me I had no days off. And I didn’t, for balancing school, two interns, work and some social life was emotionally draining. I started to think I was doing too much…maybe I was, though, I continued to persevere.

Meanwhile, I went through my typical emotional downpours which lead me to think I needed help. Reason being, when people asked how I was doing I felt like crying on the spot. I felt myself literally faking the smiling, saying “I’m okay.” My body in an exigency to express my truth. I wanted to say so badly when asked, “I am not okay, I feel horrible, stagnant, money-less, lost and so forth.” This has not happened to me before, mainly because when asked I don’t feel the issues at that giving time. However, in that bracket between November and March, it became really hard to compartmentalized my nerves. I started noticing people asking me if I am okay; I believe It was starting to be visible on my face, which, yet, again, is not usual. This will happen during the rare times I am not talking and my mind is bounded in tumultuous thoughts. I was a ticking time bomb or a dam collecting droplets from every upheaval, whether it be from missing my bus, some dramatic turmoil with my partner, or doing some paper, I was at the edge. I told myself plentiful I needed to speak to someone. With tiny bits, I expressed my ongoing issues with me and school with a few friends who been through therapy. I sought out for a counselor, but it never pulled through. Eventually, as I knew it would, I lifted myself out of the funk. I tried concluding the reason to be the warming weather. I tried so hard to pinpoint the downpour thinking it was just a multitude of unsatisfied areas.

Be that as it may be, I am glad this is all passing. I don’t believe my school is going to dismiss me, my interns are ending, school is ending, and I joined another radio program. Through speaking to a dear friend, I realized I am in a much better position than many people with a degree. Comparatively, with my job, radio internship, and program, I have skimmed my field closer than those whom graduated. She told me not to rush myself or be too hard as the process of adulthood molds me. Things will fall into place as they have been in the midst of my strife’s. Though, I am trying to transfer into the school that dismissed me while learning I have a 15,000 balance from my current school with no loans I can take out, due to my grades, I know things will work out.

I swear when I left high school, I was not expecting all of this.

In response to State Your Fear