Scarce Identity: The Purple Side

Scarce Identity: The Purple Side

d2ec576031cfa11b906fc4802eb54c13I wouldn’t say this is a Prince tribute, but between his continuation and reading Frank Ocean’s tribute post on Tumblr, it encouraged me reveal a few passing thoughts.  Since Prince unforeseen move, there is a plethora of articles, think-pieces, opinion post about his non-conforming identity as a black male.  Frank Ocean alluded to this throughout his entry,”He was a straight black male who played his first televised set with bikini bottoms and knee high heeled boots.” Prince even eased Franks own self awareness when he said, “He made me more comfortable with how I identify sexually.” Now, not to be all in the mix, but we know exactly how that went down when he pulled that New York style butch-queen stunt right before releasing his debut album. Thus, collecting his coin from the gays dashing away into the mysterious leaving his fans and the newly gay fans for dry. Hopefully, Prince didn’t teach him how to Forest Gump…I digress, though. Prince own morals permeated the lives of many in the idea of self expression. However in my coming of age when sexuality and masculinity becomes the point in question out of every pubescent’s mouth, my inner thoughts always asked how can they respect his expression and not mine?

The high heeled purple spirit in bell bottoms, hip hugging jump suits, and Halle Berry short cuts was not around when I had to prove my manhood. He was before my time musically. The only time I would see him would be flashbacks shown on MTV some random Saturday afternoon. In those moments when he is wearing one his iconic flamboyant attires, I am thirteen trying to put him in a category as many currently did to me. Is he gay? What is he? People are allowing him to do these things? Boys can wear heels, since when? What seems to be homophobic questions from a sassy kid himself, were nothing more than inquisitions trying alleviate the suppression I put on myself.  I had to be meticulous in the way that I speak, dress, and act. Picking the tone in my voice and the way my hands move about with my words was a process as delicate as plucking petals. I was poor at suppressing those categories, but in how I dress I had no control over and Prince’s tight assembles were in contrast to the standard black male uniform of oversize everything. I had no celebrity hero that was equally accepted into the straight community and LGBTQ+ community as flagrant as Prince. No safe haven for me to conceal behind or vicariously live through. Either way, people loved him for his mystery while in the same breath try to breakdown what they couldn’t understand in me and people alike, even my mother.

My dad thought he dressed a little too feminine for his taste, my mother loved his music, Daily News front cover is of him with his legs crossed in his legendary heeled boots calling him “Sexy” While I struggle to put on leg warmers in hopes that I won’t get menacing looks and sarcastic questions at the age of 23. Do you see where I’m going with this? What partitioned him from me, what made his being acceptable and praised and not the tone of my voice, or the fit of my clothes, my proper dialect,  the glide in my step, my interest in things feminine? Something as simple as going out with leg warmers on a brutally cold New York winter day was an audacious task. the alarming feeling of fear heating my chest, sitting in the back of my throat as I timidly decide if I should place my jeans over them or not. Would I get looks and sly comments? What would my coworkers think? Would my mom question my gender for the hundredth time as she did when I accidentally left foundation in the bathroom? Is it going to bring unwarranted attention? I went ahead and placed them over my knee after drilling to myself, “Don’t matter who says what to you, you bought it, you like it, it’s cold, wear it.” Then someone later asks, “What is that on your legs,” when clearly it is obvious. “Don’t girls wear that for dance?”  Although my sarcastic responses were so keenly sharp with shade, deep down I felt like I called it upon myself.

prince-08  In trying to decipher it all between him and I and others alike, I came up with the idea that Prince gave the straight community something to look past his gender fluidity: His music. As long as you give them something to look past you will be okay. Got to have that something else that will be big enough to water down their ignorance. You can’t just be a regular feminine black male. You need a superior talent. One can express freely as long as you can slay a weave, design their home, shady humor, make them best dressed at the Grammy’s, and write the best gossip column. Or in another case, sleep solely with women. That way the determining factor, who one lays down in bed with, will decide the likeliness of positive receptivity. A women can listen to Prince and wish to sleep with him, while a male can do the same and assume his lyrics are about females and feel comfortable singing them. There shouldn’t be a pass for Prince in heels and a guitar while men like E.J. Johnson; Magic Johnson son, is chastised. Along with  Miss Lawrence and Derek J being slandered because of  who they sleep with is the determining factor of acceptance.

This isn’t about Prince. This is me trying to understand my self identity through him and question why society accepted him and cannot accept  me and others alike. No, I’m not crying out to wear heels. However, like Prince, he was an unapologetic spirit. I need to be that. Part of me is still healing from the past wounds as it still plays a part in how fully self express today. Part of me needs approval. I am working on that, I know I don’t need it. I don’t need Kid Cudi and Will Smith to make it okay for me to wear a crop top or Jaden Smith to pick a shirt from the girls section. I don’t need a rapper to be dressed in all pink for me to wear pink. I don’t need a straight male or women to vogue in order for me feel comfortable voguing in public. I don’t need Tank making a video about his salad being tossed for me to toss mine with organic toppings. I don’t need an presumably straight male to approve my fluid expression, my feminine side of a young black man. It’s the unwavering confidence in my self expression I am perfecting. Thanks Prince!

 

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Within In Myself.

Within In Myself.

It’s really hard loving yourself wholeheartedly. As much as I want to, I wish it was so easier said then done. It’s not that easy to know wholesomely who I am when I am consistently changing. It’s rather difficult to identify yourself without the ego. Unless, there is no identity through the fall of the ego, which is the voice that keeps us attached to ideals, image, habits, people. As I read all the time, the fall of the ego brings the feeling of oneness. What I question is the process in which it happens, what do you feel in this transition?

The difficulty is trying to understand what is the ego in you to know what changes to make within. I  have some sense, some minuscule understanding of it. However, I am not sure when exactly my ego comes into play. I know when it’s off usually in times of advice giving, I can sound like the most level headed, open minded, Ghandi-loving therapist ever. But with me, I am a lot less straightforward. I barely listen to my own advice.

Maybe I need to relax. That’s why I am writing this now. Venting.

At times I feel like I love me, then at times I feel like I don’t. Okay, saying I don’t sounds so much more downgrading then in actuality. When I say I don’t, I mean I feel as if I don’t love myself in its fullest potential. We all fall short right? and that’s okay?

Where we are now, we are so obsessed with self identifying. Maybe from a mutual understanding that we all lack a true understanding of our self. You have to have some identity going on. One much define themselves through something. One must have an obsession with something, a favorite something. Becoming nothing more than walking brand, walking egos.

And the minute you want to dis-identify you feel the forces that makes you identify with something or someone.

I don’t know where I was going with this. I just feel conflicted.

I want to be me to the my fullest potential. I feel that I am not, because there are more “important” factors that needs to be worried about, making good income, getting a degree, anything and everything outside of me.

Damn you early 20s.

No Excuses by Alexi Panos

Her name? Alexi Panos. Who is she exactly? I honestly don’t know. I am just learning about her as you all will be once you hear this intriguing, uplifting  message about responsibility, or better yet, “Excuses.”

How often do you find yourself putting the blame unto others for mishaps in your life? How often has those blames been justifiable? Not many I suppose.

Her explanation is quite simple, everything is your fault.

“We either cause it or allow it!”

Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

UPDATE: Birthday, Hamptons, Instagram, School & More.

Alright! my peoples, who are you all guys are going?  I am doing well over here, thanks for asking. And if you didn’t ask, well…thank you anyways.  So in my last post, I spoke about a few of my May favorites. Which as of now they still are but I can’t wait to express some of my June favorites at the end of the month. However, since then, approximately 14 days past and I can say I pretty pleased with how things are going on.

Birthday/Hamptons

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In front of the Cohens Estate

First, I am now 23. My birthday was on June 6 and guys, I had the best birthday ever! I haven’t enjoyed my birthday since my single digit days running up and down the Discovery Zone, which I believe is now out of business. The Discovery Zone was like the better version of Chuckie Cheese and McDonalds Playhouse. What made it so fun was because I celebrated my 23rd birthday in the Hampton. Yes! I am like so jumping for joy!

Breathe, okay, let me simmer.

pool

My phone actually took this, my edit skills perfected this!

………….

poodle

part of the “Stuff” were these “poodle” bracelets. A term my friend made up as we felt very pure and boogie the whole day. “Just something to walk your poodle in”

Alright, yeah, I’m ready. So, everything fell into place being that the event in the Hampton happened to be on the same day as my birthday. Perfect!. I went with a good friend of mine and an art teacher/friend. The event was a charity type donation place where people basically auctioned money to fund this school. The estate was gratifying! I never seen a house as big as this up close in personal. They had a tennis court in their front yard with 12-13 foot bushes and a beach in their backyard. Not to forget the pool along with an array of pretty flowers. The food was elegantly made, I was around expensive people. It was such a tasteful, inspiring, learning experience. I’m glad I looked the part! I left there feeling so blessed. I also left full with a few sandwiches in my bag along with other dainty Hampton stuff. I am never ever, ever, ever, going to forget such an experience. I want plenty of more of those. Actually, I want a mentor to guide me to those expenses. I want to taste the crisp air again. Until then, I will read the Hampton’s magazine and practice Law of Attraction. Ha!

Instagram lifestyle

me

@Sardoniclaugh

Aesthetics dahling! Aesthetics, aesthetics, aesthetics! Its all about the aesthetics of Instagram. Yeah, well many people may think it’s taken too seriously, but on the one hand, it does make you pay attention to whats around you more. Lately, I have been taking my Instagram feed and trying to make it more  “aesthetically pleasing” Which  is this new trendy thing going on. Basically, the goal is to have every picture compliment each other with the same borders, filters, colors, etc. Thus, you create a theme. I’ve seen some awe creative feeds that makes me scream YES! and I seen some that just makes me unfollow!  In a future post I will explain how I edit my photos, but in the mean time I need to learn how to perfect it now that I got the right tools. I think I may need an Iphone 6 or invest in a professional camera. I like quality things and social media outlets are another extension of yourself, I believe. With that, I think its very cool to have your mini representations look nice. Eventually, it will look like some brand when everything flow and is cohesive. This why I wanted to change my blog name to SardonicLaughs, though I’m realizing I may loose all my content in the process. That’s so dumb! Whether you like it or not you are being judged and look at like some brand. When need be to market myself, I want my outlets to represent me uniquely and entirely. When I tried to do a whole new IG it got deleted in the same day, like really…I was so pissed! Whatever now I will just learn the tricks and the trades. Follow me though @sardoniclaugh, please!

College

Now we all know my struggle with college has been essence of drama ever since the death of romeo. Good news burst through my email about a week ago ( starts doing the shamoney). BMCC accepted me, Yes! thank the law of attraction yet again as it always a method of prevail. I swear! I was like jumping for joy, like literally in my house on my bed spazzing out! Like honestly I was so stoked. I can now finish with in the next two years maybe even faster! I can give my parents a graduation, feel complete, then move on with my life! Surprisingly, I am hype to return back to this place. Reason be it cause I will be taking courses I hand picked, perfecting my writing skills with my new writing & literature major as well as taking up Italian. My path is finally clear! all I have to do now is drive straight to the finish line after 7 years…

Hobbies

I’ve been enjoying myself a little more lately, meaning I have been focusing a lil’ more on myself more than I have ever before. I took a risk like three weeks ago and that was to just randomly ask these people to jump double dutch at union square park. This was unnerving because I can be extremely shy to the point I will miss out on opportunities because of it. Double dutch has been very close to for as far back as the age of 5. However, due to society my parents banned me from jumping it because it was girly, and perpetuates more teasing and so forth. In return, I would sneakily jump double dutch when my parents weren’t around. It was thrilling to be rebelling the way that I was, but also scary when I got caught.  Now, I am able to fill the deep desire to do Double-Dutch-Entertainers-e1361180285187jump and do what I like without a care in the world. It’s amazing that I took the chance to ask and now I’m meeting new people. I am doing what I like to do by myself. I am proud of myself honestly, It just fine tunes another facet of me.  I am glad that I am exploring myself into these areas from voguing to double dutch, writing and more. I am doing what pleases and interest me and its rewarding.  I’m much more happier than I have been in months, Ideally because schools is out and summer is here, laugh out loud. Oh, yeah and I started dancing again and performing this weekend in Harlem, NY. So excited to be on stage again in a custom being me!

Expert level much!

Well, I think that is all for now. I’m thinking about posting on a scheduled basis like twice a week at a certain time that way its best for consistency, organization, and expectations for readers. I’m still on the fence about my blog name, blah! Until next time, CIAO!

Snapchat: Sardoniclaughs
Instagram: Sardoniclaugh
Tumblr: MesardonicMesarcastic
Twitter: @fantasyFatality

Daily Prompt: In the Summertime

Greatest Bloggin’ Struggles

Greatest Bloggin’ Struggles

Months ago, maybe more like a year ago I asked how to do people balance their reader. After following so many blogs, one can deal with a lot of clutter from reply to comments, reading others blogs, and making your own. On top of that, you have your daily life and other priorities to upkeep that can make commenting and reading blogs kinda tedious. I’ve been blogging a little over a year having points in time where I want to revamp and take a new direction with my site.

So far, I’d changed my layout like twice leaving it to where it is now, which I can say has a cafe feel to it. I expanded my content into subjects for viewers to pick and choose. Thus, I can organize my content while expanded my site to represent me more. I can now explore more subjects. Recently, ( like a post or two ago) I try expanding the quality of my writing. Meaning, I’m trying to upgrade my style and vocabulary when need too. When I decide to just free-write, I’m not caring too much of the technicality of things. More so an extended Facebook post.

However as my blog expands and changes over time with me, I run into a few adversities. Some of them being stats, consistency, clutter, length of post and so forth. At times I feel like I may write too long and people aren’t really into reading novels the size of Stephen king, but still want to get a handful of goodness without reading tweets, you know?

Now I am thinking about more changes I can do to my site. I am really contemplating reducing my site’s name. MesardonicMesarcastic is cool and all but very long. I can’t imagine telling someone on the street and they actually remember the entirety of it all included the extra wordpress.com. It’s long enough to fall off a business card. Then I realize it’s easier for people to comprehend if all my social media sites are named in unison. I’m probably going to change it to SardonicLaughs, or SardonicWits. You can actually vote….

(Disclaimer: These polls are not subjected to manipulation by the Bush Administration.)

What other changes am I thinking of…uhm, well, I think–Oh yeah! I’m thinking of investing into a camera being that I want to talk photos of quality. Quality is so important…like, so-so-so important!

Anyways, I want to know what have been your stuggles blogging so far in the comment box. Also, don’t forget to vote!