We have been together for nearly three years going on four. Which has been the most trans-formative experience to my personal growth. Ever! I’m only twenty-two getting out of his first long term relationship. With a clear insight to who I am, I’m growing into a person that is in search for deeper understanding of all things. When I realize through life experience how everything is well constructed into each other, feeding off each other, evolving out of each other, there was always a “Why” behind everything. Understanding Why lessen the reason to pass judgement towards anything. As, you wouldn’t pass judgement on to yourself because only you know where you came from and why you choose the choices you did. As one get’s deeper into themselves they may even uncover the unconscious choices too! At the start of 18 years of age part of my life has been the search for a deeper sense of me, that I was beyond my skin color, sex, sexuality, and tradition. That I didn’t have to be bonded by negative thoughts and emotions and act irrational and call it “Normal.” While reading self-help books like “The power of the Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and other amazing authors like Napoleon Hill, Elizabeth Gilbert, and more I widened my perspective with so many things that elevated me beyond the normal thought patterns. I am intrigued about the understand of self, The understanding of self ego and how it plays out through you relationships with people. I am intrigued by the understand of Love unconditionally in full condition. Which means the absence of passing judgment and insecurities and trying to make your partner fit into this idealism of what you want them to be. Aren’t we all guilty of that.
So I’m here to tell a story of four years. I’m telling it through my eyes. Its not a story from a broken heart. I’m not broken. A disclaimer though there will be some tooting of my own horns through my confidence because I am proud of myself. Here I hope my thoughts that I am no longer tied to or identify with be relatable to you and see part of my thought process.
Here it is…welcome in.
My idea of relationship is very simple. Memories. Being with someone you love should be an ease as breathing where the importance of the relationship is the strengthening of a bond. A bond that was filled with memories and conversations that allows you to dig deeper and understand why a person is they way they are and love them all the way through. I am the type of person who wants to experience new things and adventures with my partner. The thirst for interesting life experiences that sets us aside from other what I call “average” relationships, that is predominately filled with the next argument, movies dates, and going to work. Within the four years of being with him I tried my best to instill new adventures that hold close dear to my heart. With it came the thought of, “Am I the only one bringing new experiences into the relationship?”
The person I was with, which I knew from the jump, was a person that had a tunnel vision for one goal in life. I loved that about him, it was the opposite counterpart to who I am. As I was still developing who am I. I came into this relationship at 18 wanting to be a weatherman, to let go of the relationship being a writer and a radio host. Because of this, I didn’t accept that striving for a long life goal means you couldn’t input in other area’s of relationship. I saw it as this, If I can go to work, go to school full time, balance my hobby, and still manage you express my love and time for you, think of future dates…he can do the same. As in my perspective, all he really had to manage was me and his training days. His work days were never a much of a determining factor in my relationship with him. Because of this again, I didn’t want to just accept the bare minimum. I also did not like the feeling of being the anchor of the relationship, unless I’m consistently being shown or told of my value to him. In other words, I didn’t mind holding the relationship down, but a simple thank you or a random form of appreciation would mean a lot. It would say to me, “I know I am not doing all that I can because I am focused elsewhere, but I still see and admire your effort to keep in tact.” I wasn’t sure of my value to him, maybe that was part of my insecurity. A strong maybe.
I did struggle greatly in understanding my value to him. I knew, but you don’t want to just know and that be the final action of just knowing, you want experience it. I want to see it, read it, taste it, feel it, and more. I didn’t want just knowing to be all I have, because my thought would then say, “How do I know he values me in what way do I have proof?” Then the distress came from looking in my room seeing nothing and having nothing as proof, on top of as previously stated, the feeling getting just the bare minimum. For an example, you don’t want to know your mother just loves you. You want to experience it so you can feel it. Feeling it beats any materialistic proof. The answer than came to me and it struck a major cord. I realized that my value to him was measured based upon answering text messages first, answering my calls first, and top position on Facebook. When I gathered all this I was upset because I was belittled for not equating those same ways.
So my thought went as follows,
” Who am I to judge how to express your love to someone. I am honored to be the top position on Facebook because it does mean we speak most compared to anybody else, I honor you value the urgency to respond to me first before any other text messages or calls. But I would never knew any of these priorities First hand. These are things that only one person can witness and that’s you!”
For an example, In my phone he was titled “My Everything” and “Lover boy” with my favorite picture of him. When I found out It wasn’t the same, I didn’t think any less of him. I didn’t make it a big deal because that was MY personal expression of my love for him in my way. What he valued me on was based off his own personal expression that I cannot experience. I took it as that is his only way to show gratitude and appreciation, therefore he expects me to also have the same exact criteria. Yes, small things do count; everything counts. Does that mean its small enough to where another person cant see, hear, and feel it. Instead after every great way of me expressing gratitude and love came with it a bomb of disappoints for not always keeping aboard with his list of expectations that stemmed from how he solely handles things. Almost like in a religious way; Its only way which is my way and any other way no matter if the results are the same is then wrong. All efforts or consideration is not good enough. If It wasn’t a bomb of disappointments it was in some way shape or form me falling short of something.
To the point I would sit and think,
“You are so concerned about my actions and what test of yours I’m going to pass or what expectation I’m going to succeed that you are forgetting what you actually put into the relationship. To busy not looking at the bigger picture of who is in front of you and what has done and still be willing to do. I’m being take granted for he must not realize how much I put up with and pick up what he “cannot do” for I respect his life goal. I made it to easy for him, if he was confident in what he put in he wouldn’t have to worry about what friend I’m around, who hit on me and how it was handled.“
If I didn’t meet these things, It was my responsibility to fix them, because “I am the reason he feel this way” and I have yet found the best possible solution to fix. I am the full reason behind every disappointment. Instead of taking responsibility ones own insecurity. Eventually, it became well maybe he’s right. I guess it’s something I have to prove to him on and work within myself on top of holding the relationship. To busy trying to give, and make sure he is not disappointed, I never sat back watched what I am actually receiving from him. What happens when I stop being blind and really look at what I am getting in return.
And the critical thinking begins….
In part 2…hehe!