A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 2

A Rose In A Hard Place: Chapter 2

 

read Part 1 here 

“What would you like to order?” The waitress asked in the most courteous voice. “I’ll take the Dancing Chicken with brown rice,” I ordered. “And I will take the Crying Tiger with brown rice as well.” Anya added. “And what would you like to drink with that?” “Two cranberry juices in the largest size you have,” Anya said. “But who said I wanted cranberry–” “Shh! be quiet girl and yes that will be all,” Anya said,  outpouring her smile that can steal Wall St Investors wallets. I shook my head and rolled my eyes from knowing how Anya already acts with her robust self. She grabbed her black lambskin Christian Dior bag from her hip and placed it on her lap and started ransacking inside. “Girl, what are you looking for?” I asked.  Anya pulled out her crystal craved flask. I know she was not about the spike our drinks with her liquor. This should not surprise me after the twelfth time she spiked our drinks at even the most tasteful restaurants. “That is so ghetto Anya put it away, like now.” I tried to obscure my eyes with my hand trying to hide away from the bashfulness. “Miss Thing…I make my own money, I have my own business, if want to bring liquor I will. Plus, this is not just any liquor. This is a twelve thousand dollar diamond distilled Kors Vodka.” Anya said.

I was nearly two seconds away from hurdling out my seat to slap some sense into her. Anya is still the same girl from our high school years when we used to venture up and down the streets of Harlem in our fresh new pairs of Jordan’s. Times have changed since, now we’ve moved up from the middle class . But damn, she still got that edge all up in her, especially in that luxurious vodka. I’m not even going to lie, I wanted a taste of this diamond vodka.

“You know,” Anya started, “You honestly should have gone with us on Jessica’s trip. We had such a blast! The men were dope, we got so many free drinks, I got into at least five clubs for free, and to top it off…I had this fine ass dark chocolate, football player looking, sex God tastes my treats!” Anya started to fan herself in excitement. “You know it’s been a long time coming since I had this kitty cat primed and polished. It was worth the wait. Can I get an Amen!”

“Amen!” I shouted, but this wasn’t I wanted to hear at this time. “But Yo! Let me finish telling you what happened.”

 

 

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Boys Do “This,” Girls Do “That”

Growing up I was very Unique. In most pictures it was very easy to point me out, not because I was extremely cute with a smile of the sun and dimples of the deep, but merely from being the kid that did weird poses and expression. I made picture taking…FUN! And this sense of  doing what comes to mind is still with me today. It, however, wasn’t easy.

I was really good by the way

I was really good by the way

I don’t know why, I don’t even care to know why, I was attracted to “girly” things. No! not wearing my moms clothes or having long hair, although, I did used to put the neck of a T-shirt around my head to swing it, but all kids did that!  . . right? Well, who cares. In elementary school,  I would be the boy you mostly see with the girls playing hand games like Numbers, Patty Cake, Miss Marry Mat, and Tweet Baby! I loved the hand eye coordination matched with rhythmic words telling an elaborate story. I would literally be the only boy to do these activities, and of course I did get the back lash of words and phrases belittling my being. Kids are mean. They say what they want with no second thought or remorse. Uncouthly, they speak their truth.
Naively, I thought I could bring the same careless at home. Nope, that wasn’t the case. I had a bad history of being teased for being feminine. My parents tried to conform me in ways to oppose the harsh criticism. Sometimes it resulted in me teasing them back or fighting, which didn’t happen often.

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys...fuck that I'm stay a kid!

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys…fuck that I’m stay a kid!

I hated being teased, but I hated to do things that did not appeal to me even more. Hanging around girls came with a strong sense of ease. They had more fun together, they were always consistently laughing and giggling. Boy’s on the other hand, I felt like I had to live up to an expectation of masculinity that took way to much work. I felt like they and me were acting. Especially, around intermediate school, boys “grew up”. In the summer of 4th grade going into 5th grade, Allegedly, there was a memo sent around saying boys will now prematurely deepen their voices, pull their pants below their waist, and only like basketball and football. I damn sure never got this memo.

I liked playing double dutch. My parents tried numerous times to ban me from playing it. It was something that “girls do” amongst me talking with my hands, because Italians do that too, and talking on the phone too long, etc. I remember playing double dutch with my friends and my mother came to the park to pick me up. She scolded me, “Didn’t I tell you, you shouldn’t be jumping Double Dutch, it’s for girls, are you a girl?

Then came the lecture of in order to stop the name calling I had stop doing girly things bullshit.  This started to take a toll on me. I was afraid to bring a rope home, I was afraid to speak on experiences. I slowly was developing a double life very early in my childhood. One day I after a good rope session I made up this dumb lie to change her perspective on me jumping rope.  I said, “Mom did you know they passed a law so boys can jump rope.” She replied sarcastically, “oh really?”

downloadI thought I had won her over and now I was freed from the shackles of stupidity. I was wrong again. I with all honestly couldn’t not understand what rule book many people were going by. Did I really lived in my own world throughout my life? The rejection forced me look at the world around me and question deeply WHO MAKES THESE STUFF UP? and why can’t I just do and be me? what is so wrong for a boy to play hand games and jump rope. I’m not going around in girls clothes at 7 yrs. of age, or even saying I want to be a girl.  So I felt If I can’t do what I want to do, then I’m not going to do anything at all. And that’s exactly what I did till I was 15.

SO, I ask you readers, have you ever been forced out of your likings for the sake of someone else or image?

What Am I To You…

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. -E.Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love,

I paused in mid sentence placing this book down looking up in mid air silenced in my thoughts. “Is this him” I thought for I have expressed many times how I have changed as a person through him. Through us being together. I want him to know I don’t want to hurt him although he may not trust me anymore. I want to say to him. It’s okay you don’t have to worry or be mad or upset or feel like you are any less than number one in my life. I always deep down promoted the need for him to always and for ever feel comfortable with me.

Knowing I’m don’t want to hurt him in anyway. I wanted him to have confidence in me in what ever I do even if it may go against his feelings. We would still be okay. I never wanted us to end up the way we did. I said many things he did not want to hear but to me it was my truth. As the hard to hear, unexplainable, words fueled even more raged in him. As his truth I could not accept but I did understand. We sounded like to people arguing about the sky being blue. One saying the north sky is blue and the other saying the south sky is blue. Two people arguing about the same side of the coin. No anymore right or wrong just experiences that can’t be agreed upon. Every time a finger is pointed it can be flipped and reversed. As if we walked in each others shoes feeling the same way about every situation at hand. Making it hard to equally except another’s feeling without saying..”I felt the same when  this occurred”

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. -Elizabeth Gilbert Eat Pray Love

I wanted him to tell me how I make him feel. That I make him happy. How special I make him feel. I didn’t want to assume or guess. I wanted to know. I wanted to know I was doing the right thing. Emotionally, I had a hard time to understand his emotional standpoint. He not really good in expressing those things. I assume he rather me not know.  This not knowing unconsciously made me reach more and do more, making my actions bigger and louder. Hoping he here’s my yearning for him to tell me…what he feels inside…through some actions I knew. However I wanted to hear or read these words like a vows in marriage.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master – e.gilbert eat pray love.

… Im not perfect as I thought I was. Nor was he as I thought he was. I however take pride in what I have done for him. He is the most stabled person I came in contact since my home friends in 2006. I met him in 2011 and been together ever since. Through that I have  had consistant change in my social life and the moment I lost in contact with him … I realized how much of my days were filled by him. The reason I kept my phone on. The reason to inspire me to explore new places. The reason I left my house. He gave me a reason to be proud of something. A purpose. A meaning. A goal,something to reach for, a craft to perfect. A human experience. He is more than he knows. I want to know how I am to him.

Longing for Gravity…and Food.

Okay! So the Bible was right after all and so were the conspiracy theorist.
I look out the small window at the huge blue star that was once my home.
I should be happy I got this chance to float in the air deporting into this huge space of omni-consciousness. But I am not, I am going to miss my planet and home.

so you are probably wondering why I am in this ship floating? well, the first thing is because there is no gravity in space obviously. Secondly, The government destroyed our home. These aliens came and attacked us. The aliens however were government creations that they used to stage this alien vs human war. They did this so we can all be one and having unison way of living. Yeah, the government failed.

So in return we are flying to Mars to start anew. Mars is no longer a dead red planet. It’s currently in the process of being an Earth duplicate.
But no one can duplicate perfection. When are humans going to learn this?
Oh look, a huge dark red mushroom cloud is sprouting from Earth, please and I pray let that be Sallie Mae.
Earth; It’s dying a slow death.

You know as much as I dreamed of being out of space I always thought I will be able to return to my house to make a cheeseburger
Oh the agony and despair I am going to miss many things
The way the summer sun wakes wakes me up at 7 am when it finally reaches my window.
The morning rays welcomed in by my open curtains colored in beige.
I’m going to miss when my toes press against the morning dew on the grass creating a ticklish sensation.

I’m going to miss the transparent blanket above me that nature used to dance, paint, and sing its forces.
I love the way the hard rain hits the concrete, it sounds like a soft waterfall I never got the chance to see.
The even tempered spring winds that grazed through my Afro and laminated my skin.

There better be some fried shrimp and lobster in mars for me to devour. I want an order of pristine water, Junior Cheesecake, and cookie dough ice cream.

Pizza better cost a dollar like it did in New York City or else they would have a stern talk coming their way. I have no mars money either so they better have so sympathy.
“Look martians my home go destroyed by devil infested humans, I need to eat!” I would say, only if they try me!

What about my Facebook!
and my Netflix!

OH MY GOD! MY CELLPHONE!

At least my college debt is destroyed, I hope…

Daily Prompt: Longing for Gravity

Y’ALL FACEBOOKERS SUCK!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS'ERS!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS’ERS!

First and foremost I would like to thank all that have followed me and gave wonderful feedback about my writing. You guys are influencing my ever-changing career goal. I just may have solidified  my “calling” to writing. Just no academic writing. Or in other words, A nice way to put upper class words in chaotic sentence structures with Aristotle worded synonyms.

 

I am not here for THAT!
However, I figured I lighten up my blog with a more humorous side. I don’t want to appear like 1994 Mary J. Blige and depressed and shit.
ya’ know! 

 

So as a common Facebooker I decided to shed a few tips on how to use Facebook, in my opinion:

WE THE CITIZENS OF AMERICA DON’T CARE WHAT BUS STOP YOU’RE SITTING AT. What I don’t understand

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

is the necessary notion to poorly detail your incomplete thoughts that will not generate a single like. What does one saying, ” I see an ant on the ground” do to anything to better humanity! Better yet, do anything period well, you gave the ant a shout out hooray! Like it really honestly annoys me. Most of the time it be disgusting blunt posts like…”Watching Porn” or “sniffing coke”…yeah, It get’s very real out in cyber land. I know Facebook is technically another blog and makes them bloggers…right? What they post is considered “published” You can’t then say, It’s too person, to be too personal, cause we do strive for that as bloggers right? …but bitch, still..NO! F.B. IS NOT FOR THAT! its social media…BE SOCIAL NOT PERSONAL!

 

 

STOP LYING ON FACEBOOK. No dead seriously, Tom you cannot lie to Dick and Harry when you are taking a selfie in the bathroom that is not yours. Not when Dick and Harry been to your house, pissed in your toilet, washed their hands (this very uncommon nowadays) to look up at your dirty mirror above the sink. They know that marble sink in the bottom of your selfie is NOT yours, nor that crystal clean mirror reflecting the hotel bed.

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

Oh yeah bro, you are not low!

91fca4c72f12552f50fe55e0e6d01335BE PUBLICLY PRIVATE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. “Publicly Private” is my own phrase I will soon copyright meaning to be publicly open about your relationship but what goes in your relationship is private. Or for that matter any involvement of you. Have some damn privacy!  You are doing nothing but embarrassing yourself arguing on a Facebook post when y’all can simply text or call each other. You trying to embarrass your longest relationship of two weeks by exploiting your partner of all the hoes he slept with…Well darling, you should’ve thought about this before asking a hand in marriage. Deep down we all know most of the Facebook relationship die faster than your Iphone. Give the relationship the chance to fertilization and germinate before you abort it on Facebook. Learn from Jay-z and Beyoncé or all of your 2,000 friends will shake their heads like at you! Like, “wasn’t yesterday they were so in love, wow! Hollywood much?”

WHY BE SO NEGATIVE?  I cannot stress this so much. Why be so negative, Why? These videos showing missing legs, dead

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

people, dis formed babies and dogs…this is not Saw 6! These graphic images do nothing but desensitize you making you even more of a colder human being. Why like the photo knowing the everybody on the timeline is going to see that. whether you believe so or not doing that is adding negativity to the loads of it that we deal basically. Especially when you scroll down seeing nothing but several people “Hating” something! I hate this, I hate that, I don’t like this, she said that. It depressing.  I honestly think it shows the state of mind of an individual of they doing point #1 of this list and it all negative…We start saying nice things like how green the grass is or the nice weather. Even a new sale going on at Popeye’s I CAN GO FOR THAT AT LEAST!

 

I am NOT LIKING SHIT YOU TELL ME!  To simply point. You saying LMS (Like My Status) for whatever reason is dumb and just there to add to your ego that I refuse to stroke! Even these LMS about Jesus shit. IT’S PROPAGANDA!  You are not going to mentally make me feel guilty and bad when the person who probably post it is sucking dick in the alley! … DO NOT tell me to like a mutherfucking thing with these threats saying i’m going to hell.

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

That is all folks.

I hope we all everyday strive for a for a better Facebook because it is very important in our lives. Where would we would be we without Facebook? …probably higher in life

 

Expectations of My Imaginations

I want to fly across the United States unbound by the color of my skin, transfixed by wanderlust that will propel me into the woods of Georgia as I stand bare feet in the woods.  I want to marvel in a grandiose of visual perfection looking at the Great Plains covered

Freedom & Serenity

Freedom & Serenity

in the true color of love…green.  I want to see the stars, the original storytellers, to  befriend the moonlight parenting me with serenity.  I want to discover the  beauty of a land that is submissive under the partnership of ugly  mechanisms. The freedom to fly is the freedom to wander. To randomly pick up your bags and go across a land that can be oasis one day, and a party girl in New York City the next. I want to dip my toes in Florida,  bungee jump in California, drink the rain of Seattle. I want to feel the winds that birth tornadoes.

One day I will travel just because...

One day I will travel just because…

I want to understand with experience that  everything around me came from the same basic elements. Nothing outer worldly but everything inner worldly.

I want to bend my leg and touch my forehead with fluid and ease. To experience freedom in the grace of flexibility so I can discover the stillness in myself that leads to the realm of creativity when perform for hundreds.  The freedom to gyrate my body to the beats of house music late nights

You try this under 104 degree heat!

You try this under 104 degree heat!

on Mondays. The expression of my femininity in a world drench in hyper-masculinity. To be polished in every movement from the point of my toe to the tip of my fingers.  To finalize my talent and skill that can never be stripped from me. I want to be flexible to twist my body in yoga poses under 104 degree heat with ease.

I want to write a New York Times Bestseller explaining my hidden culture that

Be on the look out for my novel !

Be on the look out for my novel !

slowly rises from the ashes.  I want to demonstrate to people how Janet Mock taught me to be “unapologetic”. I want to tell my story.

I want to love more and better, reaching heights of emotions that rockets beyond my

For myself and to him.

For myself and to him.

physical senses. To love him, her, they, and it unconditionally. To most importantly to love my self and all of my me, my past, and my present.  To eventually discover my highest self that can benefit the world of the good.

I want me expectations that seems like imaginations to manifest out of the dream world into reality shape-shifting me into a better human experience.

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