The gentle night winds tickles my skin like falling feathers and pink petals.
The sun is down and the night is young.
The atmosphere is calming and soothing.
I’m walking along the green grass with my arms straight like an airplane. I smile and pretend to fly through the night sky happily. For summer nights are the only time mother nature doesn’t restrict me with a curfew of the cold.
I can sit on a bench and enjoy the serenity look up at the sky and think.
I can feel at ease with the space around me.
“Summer, after all, is a time when wonderful things can happen to people. For those few months you’re not required to be who everyone thinks you are. The fresh cut grass smell in the air & the chance to dive into the deep end of a pool, gives you courage you didn’t think you had. Summer just opens the door and lets you free.”
Something about the nights of summer that captivates me in a trance of openness and freedom.
maybe, because I am up while half he world is sleep. there are no sound pollution, no crowds of people just me, this grass, this sky and me.
Nighttime were the earth resets itself and purifies, maybe I am partaking in the renewal process and that’s what I am feeling as I blend with the breeze.
I love summer nights.
Summer nights love me too!
Several Days Later…
I was set for my first surgery. By this time my infectious disease was cleared to a safe level. So people didn’t have to walk around me with gas masks as prevention. My legs weakened, but I wasn’t aware how fast your legs actually gets week. I was already in a strict bed rest for about four days straight. I was moved for the third time to a room with a roommate. I didn’t like it. I liked the spacious privacy ICU provided. Luckily, I had the bed to the window. This window was my key hope to dream.
I looked at this window and watch the sun walk across the sky with confidence. I saw the overview of the entire Bronx and the Manhattan buildings. I timed when exactly the sun will reach to my window so I can try to gaze and absorbed the light.
I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to go outside when I wanted to.
I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to choose what I wear.
I lost the freedom to breathe fresh air. I lost the freedom to watch TV. I lost freedom to be social, to be me. All I did in my days before judgment day was sit in the one bed and watch TV repeat it’s self 3 times a day. I definitely learned that Cable is rip off.
The day of surgery came. I was boarded downstairs in a waiting room as the countdown began. The process went as follows: The doctors, about four of them were going to open the back of my ear and drill a hole. This process is called a mastoidectomy. From scans they found out a large collections of cells in my inner ear which is suppose to be empty for sound to travel. The inferred that was the reason for my chronic infections as it was from birth.
The put me to sleep. I wake up four hours later. groggy, fatigued, and down right numb. The doctor however gave me bad news. They couldn’t get all the cells from out my ear it was so much. It destroyed all the soft bone in my inner ear and also reached in the balance part in my ear. I started to cry immediately.
In my room I spent Halloween there, with some positive thinking I thought well, why not be Vince Van Gough. I mean, like, he had one ear and looked fashionable. Plus, we both shared the same brace over the face. Around this time a few of my family members came. My mother came almost everyday since I been here and a few friends. I was grateful.
I couldn’t hear though out my ear with the brace, Nor could I walk, my stomach was extremely constipated with the constant 24hr antibiotic I was one. This was the horrid of the whole experience. I did not want to walk around with that damn IV machine. I felt like I was way stronger than moving around that 6 foot four legged metal garbage. I refuse to identify with that thing. With every given chance I tried to unhook myself from it.
The last wave came. The surgeon came to me a few days later, which is nearing towards my second week there, she told me how I was going to need a second surgery and I need to consent to it. This surgery was going to be even more intense with a life changing cost. I were to completely loose my hearing in order to permanently put this cause to rest. Also, they were going to remove the balance in my ear since it too was eroded away by the devil. I exclaimed in dismay the tragic news. All that I knew instantly when to shambles. I didn’t know how to cope with this. This was the lost my spirit has been broken.
In the same token I grew awareness to those spirits who has been broken like my brother, homeless people, those in catastrophe. It’s a heavy burden greater then yourself that locks your thoughts in a realm of negativity. There is no such thing as light when your spirit is truly broken.
I consented the surgery. I had no choice. I undergo another 4-5 hour surgery. The day before and day of I heavily recited a mantra Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung. Meant for healing and safe recovery. I repeated this like my life depended on it which it did. If not, I was told to have to keep getting this surgery for the rest of my life if they cannot get every single cell out! They were not going to make me a profitable thing.
After the surgery I was extremely drowsy even worse then before. The sedation was said to be much heavy and longer than before. All I saw was my mom again and my aunt sitting with me in the recovery room when I woke up. “Son, they were able to remove every single cell from your ear”
I cried again so strong yet still so weak from the sedation. I could barely speak. Happiness marathon across my cheeks before she could even say “ear”. It was such a heart warming feeling to know that all of this was over.
I figured thought it was me saying that mantra over and over even while I was being put under sleep. I was just glad to put this thing to rest. It took some time to getting used though not being able to hear from the left side. Isn’t much different then hearing out of both. There are some disadvantages, but none like what I thought when I first got the news. I thought I had to change careers .. No more Tv/radio. no more tv personality.
No hearing Aide either, if you saw what robot they had that will be attach to my head. NO MADAME!
I’m 21 years young with no children. “So what do you know about parenting?” you may ask, well, for one i’ve seen plenty of Maury and every other baby momma drama, trailer trash T.V. Also, I seen the movie precious. The poor girl reduce to crafting (steal) fried chicken from the spot to survive. We are all surrounded by parenting and their ways since the day of conception. Even kids toys induce parental skills. Toy companies have the baby female species learning to bottle feed a fake baby! A girl itself just got off the bottle, barely even know her address, let alone write, yet, they are taught to be parents. And people wonder why “Teen Mom” is still the new black and not “Orange”. The point is you don’t have to be a parent “to be a parent”.
So I ask of you why do you have or want kids? Is it to better the world? Because you were taught to by society? Or maybe a little deeper, like knowing a kid is going provide unconditional consistent love. The love you lack to give yourself? I ask these questions because I believe parenting to have a purpose whether or not by accident or planned. A purpose that sits outside of you. I believe bringing life onto this world of chaos should be a path towards bettering it.
Teach your kids about how to love themselves. What are the parents today teaching their children? Even with my parents, who loved me and provided a decent childhood and some values, I give them some credit to what I know and still learning about; learning to love myself and truth about our culture and world views. I say this because I took the initiative to read books by self-philosophers, meditation, eating the right foods, having an open-mind, and just simply loving myself. Guide children to be what the world is missing…Thinkers! It looks as if people have children and throw them into the school system. Kids are guiding themselves. Embrace your child’s talent no matter how weird. Teach them not to be ignorant but to be curious and ask questions. Let them keep their imagination. Let your child first word be why? And if you don’t know the answer find the answer together.
LEARN from your child as well let them show you how to be youthful again. Play with them, engage in their silly conversations about oranges attacking grapes or saving the world. I hate to see a kid on a train blab away to their parent and they just sit there like “yes, Ashley, yeah.” Engage. You was once in the same train cart years ago asking the same thing curious about the world, but what happen? You was hindered. Let’s try not to pass our bad seeds to the future. Your issues ends with you, our issues ends with us. WORD!
Daily Prompt: Pride & Joy