What Am I To You…

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. -E.Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love,

I paused in mid sentence placing this book down looking up in mid air silenced in my thoughts. “Is this him” I thought for I have expressed many times how I have changed as a person through him. Through us being together. I want him to know I don’t want to hurt him although he may not trust me anymore. I want to say to him. It’s okay you don’t have to worry or be mad or upset or feel like you are any less than number one in my life. I always deep down promoted the need for him to always and for ever feel comfortable with me.

Knowing I’m don’t want to hurt him in anyway. I wanted him to have confidence in me in what ever I do even if it may go against his feelings. We would still be okay. I never wanted us to end up the way we did. I said many things he did not want to hear but to me it was my truth. As the hard to hear, unexplainable, words fueled even more raged in him. As his truth I could not accept but I did understand. We sounded like to people arguing about the sky being blue. One saying the north sky is blue and the other saying the south sky is blue. Two people arguing about the same side of the coin. No anymore right or wrong just experiences that can’t be agreed upon. Every time a finger is pointed it can be flipped and reversed. As if we walked in each others shoes feeling the same way about every situation at hand. Making it hard to equally except another’s feeling without saying..”I felt the same when  this occurred”

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. -Elizabeth Gilbert Eat Pray Love

I wanted him to tell me how I make him feel. That I make him happy. How special I make him feel. I didn’t want to assume or guess. I wanted to know. I wanted to know I was doing the right thing. Emotionally, I had a hard time to understand his emotional standpoint. He not really good in expressing those things. I assume he rather me not know.  This not knowing unconsciously made me reach more and do more, making my actions bigger and louder. Hoping he here’s my yearning for him to tell me…what he feels inside…through some actions I knew. However I wanted to hear or read these words like a vows in marriage.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master – e.gilbert eat pray love.

… Im not perfect as I thought I was. Nor was he as I thought he was. I however take pride in what I have done for him. He is the most stabled person I came in contact since my home friends in 2006. I met him in 2011 and been together ever since. Through that I have  had consistant change in my social life and the moment I lost in contact with him … I realized how much of my days were filled by him. The reason I kept my phone on. The reason to inspire me to explore new places. The reason I left my house. He gave me a reason to be proud of something. A purpose. A meaning. A goal,something to reach for, a craft to perfect. A human experience. He is more than he knows. I want to know how I am to him.

Y’ALL FACEBOOKERS SUCK!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS’ERS!

First and foremost I would like to thank all that have followed me and gave wonderful feedback about my writing. You guys are influencing my ever-changing career goal. I just may have solidified  my “calling” to writing. Just no academic writing. Or in other words, A nice way to put upper class words in chaotic sentence structures with Aristotle worded synonyms.

 

I am not here for THAT!
However, I figured I lighten up my blog with a more humorous side. I don’t want to appear like 1994 Mary J. Blige and depressed and shit.
ya’ know! 

 

So as a common Facebooker I decided to shed a few tips on how to use Facebook, in my opinion:

WE THE CITIZENS OF AMERICA DON’T CARE WHAT BUS STOP YOU’RE SITTING AT. What I don’t understand

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

is the necessary notion to poorly detail your incomplete thoughts that will not generate a single like. What does one saying, ” I see an ant on the ground” do to anything to better humanity! Better yet, do anything period well, you gave the ant a shout out hooray! Like it really honestly annoys me. Most of the time it be disgusting blunt posts like…”Watching Porn” or “sniffing coke”…yeah, It get’s very real out in cyber land. I know Facebook is technically another blog and makes them bloggers…right? What they post is considered “published” You can’t then say, It’s too person, to be too personal, cause we do strive for that as bloggers right? …but bitch, still..NO! F.B. IS NOT FOR THAT! its social media…BE SOCIAL NOT PERSONAL!

 

 

STOP LYING ON FACEBOOK. No dead seriously, Tom you cannot lie to Dick and Harry when you are taking a selfie in the bathroom that is not yours. Not when Dick and Harry been to your house, pissed in your toilet, washed their hands (this very uncommon nowadays) to look up at your dirty mirror above the sink. They know that marble sink in the bottom of your selfie is NOT yours, nor that crystal clean mirror reflecting the hotel bed.

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

Oh yeah bro, you are not low!

BE PUBLICLY PRIVATE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. “Publicly Private” is my own phrase I will soon copyright meaning to be publicly open about your relationship but what goes in your relationship is private. Or for that matter any involvement of you. Have some damn privacy!  You are doing nothing but embarrassing yourself arguing on a Facebook post when y’all can simply text or call each other. You trying to embarrass your longest relationship of two weeks by exploiting your partner of all the hoes he slept with…Well darling, you should’ve thought about this before asking a hand in marriage. Deep down we all know most of the Facebook relationship die faster than your Iphone. Give the relationship the chance to fertilization and germinate before you abort it on Facebook. Learn from Jay-z and Beyoncé or all of your 2,000 friends will shake their heads like at you! Like, “wasn’t yesterday they were so in love, wow! Hollywood much?”

WHY BE SO NEGATIVE?  I cannot stress this so much. Why be so negative, Why? These videos showing missing legs, dead

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

people, dis formed babies and dogs…this is not Saw 6! These graphic images do nothing but desensitize you making you even more of a colder human being. Why like the photo knowing the everybody on the timeline is going to see that. whether you believe so or not doing that is adding negativity to the loads of it that we deal basically. Especially when you scroll down seeing nothing but several people “Hating” something! I hate this, I hate that, I don’t like this, she said that. It depressing.  I honestly think it shows the state of mind of an individual of they doing point #1 of this list and it all negative…We start saying nice things like how green the grass is or the nice weather. Even a new sale going on at Popeye’s I CAN GO FOR THAT AT LEAST!

 

I am NOT LIKING SHIT YOU TELL ME!  To simply point. You saying LMS (Like My Status) for whatever reason is dumb and just there to add to your ego that I refuse to stroke! Even these LMS about Jesus shit. IT’S PROPAGANDA!  You are not going to mentally make me feel guilty and bad when the person who probably post it is sucking dick in the alley! … DO NOT tell me to like a mutherfucking thing with these threats saying i’m going to hell.

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

That is all folks.

I hope we all everyday strive for a for a better Facebook because it is very important in our lives. Where would we would be we without Facebook? …probably higher in life

 

I Wish Times Like These Were Recorded

          We  just had our monthly screaming match, definitely explaining the delicate dynamic of an Aries and Gemini relationship. I, from the need of seeing him, should admit I am in full responsibility to adding unnecessary stress.I heard him scream and reach notes so high that hoarse his voice in the moment. I stood on the other line in complete astonishment when I’m really suppose to be in film class; but, who wants to watch a 3 hour film by Hitchcock…No one! I realized then that bitching and complaining about the past was clearly not the time and place. I however, had the burning sensation in my mind to ask what apparently has been bothering me for some time. This burning need to complain about dormant thoughts that has no effect on me, honestly.  Deep down I have this idea that I should say whatever I want and argue, or in my eyes debate, about anything and get over it by the next day. I want that ultimate comfort-ability to know we going have resilience and  bounce back into our lovable ways. Gladly enough we did!

                     After our trip to the movies that Sunday, two days after our heated debate, we walked the busy streets of Times Square to Union Square, to the village and sat down on a bench. We seated ourselves away from the highly populated gay area. I didn’t want to run into any acquaintances ruining my person time with him as they will with  gay ballroom scene talks. We sat and we talked and I felt extremely fulfilled. The dark waters of the Hudson river reflects the city lights like black diamonds setting the moody so romantically. “The water looks cool this time,” he said while I stare at his strong features in his face.
“Yeah, it looks so silky and calm.” We agreed.

               Moments later we took pictures of our silhouette on the floor and underneath a light pole. We striven to find a good selfie under the 10:00 sky where he would take pictures and then we will switch positions with me being the photographer. We sat side by side on the bench again this time I moved in closer with his arms wrapped around me. These are the nights I love the most and I feel so lucky to have this type of connection with someone where the feelings are the same, our history together proving our strength through time, and still feel like its new. That “new” feeling strikes me every time I see him walk to me from where he is at outside. It’s the only time I see him from a distance able to see all of him move about in space around me. Within this short period of time that slows down in my mind, I can feel my feelings hot against my skin. I look at him with new eyes of attractiveness. His eyes sit behind strong eyebrow features and cheekbones adding depth. The shadow that cast across his eyes from afar puts me in such a submissive state I just want to succumb and melt into his strength. I feel protection in his eyes. I am proud to say he is mine.

                    I looked at his admirable face again as he talks cheerfully about his career, like how a little kid may ramble on about nothingness and the parent responds with “Okay, son.” He turned to me puckering his bold lips, another feature I loved. I went in for the kill, “What are you doing?” he says with his lips fixed in place not putting in his 10%. This was something he always do and it gets me every time. I will be so excited to wallow in his affection and he takes this vulnerability to playfully make me seem like i’m the crazy one. “Oh my god,” I said backing away. He then puckered his lips and I landed mine on his.

                     We decided to try to bar hop in the local bars around the village; the free ones.  We spoke about our beginnings together in another bar called The Web and how it’s was just a nice chill spot for us together. I cherish the memory of just sitting in his arms while the house music plays with the fast bass in sync with the heart of mine. I loved how we were not bothered about being around Go-Go dancers twirling around. The stillness in myself, the need to not worry about life anymore, all blended in those times I cherish .
We ended up at The Hangar, a bar narrow in size with one dance stage and one pool table. We found at seat and just marveled in the present moment. He took my hand and we played thumb wars but we used both hands simultaneously. It was very fun and creative to do. I laugh over and over staring into his eyes while trying to pin down both thumbs. Nothing at all mattered but that moment. I wish time this was recorded. I want to play back at the intensity of undivided attention.

                       After our second time going to The Hangar that night we sat in the same area before. This time I sat next to with no table separating us. He grabbed my hand and laid on my shoulder. In the bar you can see many other guys trying to hook up in search for what I have next to me. I felt above every one there. In a sense too, a thought slipped in suggesting maybe our closeness will make other people uncomfortable. I wouldn’t care honestly, because I was able to freely express my love to him in a open environment. there’s nothing like being open with whom you love. I thought about the hard times my predecessors had in the late 60’s where it was a law against holding another man they way he held me that night in the bar. I really do love him and times like these reassures me over and over leaving to not forget.

With his hands around my waist he tickles me to the beat of the song. I could not stop laughing,. I didn’t want to stop laughing I was having soo much fun. He was playing with me providing immense amount of attention. I hope my laughter and smile brought joy to him in the same process. We probably looked so innocent and new to love, but we are not. We are three years thick in filled with a lot of growth, lessons, and clashes. Times Likes I wish they were recorded. So I can play back the provable love and joy we can bring to each other.

Daily Prompt: Reason to Believe

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Daily Prompt: A form of Flattery

Daily Prompt: First Sight

Daily Prompt: Pride and Joy