Mental Trauma

They argued with such vitriol that they didn’t notice the children standing between them, until the unforeseen happened.

When I think back that’s all I remember. Being a little boy deathly afraid of my father because that’s what he wanted. He spoke loudly on a daily bases to remind my brother and I we were inferior to his being. His size that stood 6’0  high and over 200 pounds, mostly muscle from his high school years of being a star football player.

His eyes were blank when him and my mother viciously argued. My mothers voice powerful for a black woman was unmatched to my fathers. Friday nights were not the glory days  adults and kids awaited for. While Fridays marked the day of freedom for others, Fridays marked the day of trauma and distraught, as it foreshadowed the hell stricken weekend. Paranoia was my best friend that manifested into a deep soulful hate that lived inside of me.

I had thoughts of killing my father for the drunk nights he would come on the weekends. I would stand only a little over 5 feet staring at him with my lips curled in, eyes pinched together, and little fist balled thinking of that steak knife. The enemy would lay passed out on the couch with his sliva peaking out from his lips while snoring.

He would wake me up and my brother up and speak to us from 11 at night till 3 in the morning about nothing. He forced us to stay up while he condemned us for being kids. He would tell us we don’t need any friends and we don’t need family. No one will care for us as his family never cared for him.

My brother and I both less then age of ten and three years apart never knew what a quiet home was between my mom and dad. Deplorable slurs of words clashed between the two giants  violently every weekend for all of my childhood.

 Nights of him sending us in our room crying behind a door while our ears were pressed against it was normal. Unbreakable nervousness rode the thick red water in our veins when he would threaten to break my mothers ankles. Tears of silent prayers ran on our cheeks.

I can’t seem to forget a history that was part of me as I remained isolated disabling the need to express my grief in what I went through at home. As it was “no ones business,” as my father would say, “what happens at home”.

So I developed the ability to compartmentalize the terror for weekends only. This was my only coping strategy although I was unaware at the time. I gained victory in my dreams as a kid when I would beat my father off my mother. Or when I do grave harm on to him falsely giving me courage I never had growing up.

For being so afraid to die in his arms.

Daily Prompt – For Posterity

Circles and More Circles and More

Circles and More Circles and More

If you were a geometric shape (e.g. square, circle, isosceles triangle, etc.), what would you be and why?

So I am going to do part of the The Finicky Cynic “June ‘Jour’ Challenge” I am rather late in it, but this prompt stood out to me the most. It took me no time to answer either. What geometric shape would I be…hmm, easily, a circle?

So why a circle? A circle is too me the basic, original geometric shape that has the deepest meaning. It’s the basic design leading into the Flower of life symbol which is said to be the design that created the universe. As every math problem, every line, every thought stems from the creation of the Flower of Life. It is only right I pick something that represents the deepest part of me.

The Flower Of Life

 The Flower Of Life 

The flower of life is part of the sacred Geometry our ancestors some how strangely knew of. The great ancient civilizations in our human history all shared this one symbol. It can be found in every major religion some are remixed into portions of the symbol, but overall, it reaches every cornerstone of the world. It can seen etched in stone and clay tablets in flow with the story of their civilization. Somehow, the civilization knew all about this symbol with no connections with each other. How is that even possible?

The makings of the symbol consist of evenly drawn circles overlapping each other to form flower like symbols. It’s actually very easy to make with a protractor. you just draw a circle and then at the anywhere on the line of the circle you place the point of the protractor and draw the same pattern over and over. It’s quite the learning experience as every inch, every placement counts.

This symbol is everywhere in nature. As for me, while going through my spiritual journey I was enamored at the mass of information I was receiving. Learning I am part of everything and everything is part of me is astounding. A Circle is never ending as I am never ending. We are never ending. We are always is!

How fun is that…( better then being told I’m a sinful, dirty beast, born into a evil world and wickedness).

Here is SpiritScience  Better in-dept explanation on The Flower Of Life. These People are just Ah-May-Zing!

The Gritty (part 3)

The Gritty (part 3)

Kasey walked over to me. “Don’t worry about Tommy he is just going through it. He is however the cunt one I was telling you about. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to club reign?” she asked.  I really didn’t want to go honestly. I initially only came here to be with Tyree, but he brought me here to this environment instead the movies. “Nah. I am good. I’ll just go home,” I said. “Are you sure? You know it’s tranny night!” ” I am okay. For real,” I replied. ” I just don’t feel like being around all of that.” “Why? you know many of them?” she asked. I didn’t feel like opening up to her about my life and who I speak to. I don’t know her. “No, I don’t know any.” I lied. ” I want you to meet my friend, he is so dope. Plus he is a top.  He is so cute. Its his birthday so that’s what we’re celebrated for. I really want you to come its going to be fun.” I denied once more hoping she doesn’t ask me again before I get annoyed.

Tyree and Tommy came from the other room still in conversation about the loss in their family. I took a sip of my drink when the short Spanish lady who sniff coke intervened  again.  She made her self comfortable next to me  asking me for my number. She thinks I am so cool, though I only said last then a sentence. “Yeah my number is 555-671-3000.” I don’t know why I gave her my number, my real number at that. She put on her winter coat and left out the door.  The stranger sitting across from me was drunk to the point of no return. He had a bottle of Hennessy drinking it straight. I looked at him with a screwed face. How can people drink dark liquor with ease like that?  Kasey and I had started a new conversation. She is an interesting girl who is very affluent in this lingo and it made my question who she knows. Maybe we have the same friends and that wouldn’t be in my favor.

“Yeah, my shit was laced. I am telling you. I was fucking with this doctor who I was his assistant for. He was married and everything and still was hitting me off with a few dollars. That nigga wanted me to move in with him upstate. He had a summer-house up there he said I could stay in. He’s a Jew so you know what that means…”

“That he has money, lots of it,” I said, laughing. Tommy and Tyree disappeared into the back room again.
“You damn right, well anyways, I– Wait, why are y’all always talking in the room? Y’all being mad disrespectful to your guest here,” Kasey said to Tommy and Tyree.
“This is my house!” yelled Tommy “N-No one is going to tell me how to run m-my house, okay?”
“But damn boy, why are you acting so shady all of a sudden that is not cute. I am your sis you, don’t you do that!”
Tommy smiled and they decided to hug and exchange I love you’s a few times.

“That is my sis, Me and Tommy been through it all, especially when we out looking for dick. I am telling you Tommy be getting the niggas. You may be a little old now, but that bitch knows how to hustle. Shit, they be after him more than me and I am the girl. They be saying, ‘I don’t want you, you got a pussy I can that in the morning.”

“Are you serious?” I said taking a sip of my vodka and Dr. pepper mix. “Where you do you guys do this at.” I grew a strong sense of curiosity. It seemed so daring, thrilling, and exciting to go out to the unknown and cruise people. Like trick or trick for adults. I wanted to know more. I wanted to her to show me where, but there’s a time and place.
” Right here, in the Bronx on the other side of the four train it’s heavy in that area. Yo! one time we had to run for our lives like dead ass. Some nigga pulled out a knife on us and we had to fight our way out.
“For real? Oh my God, wow that is crazy what happened?” I asked.
” We was sucking the guy off in the staircase and then he just started panicking thinking we was going to tell people on his block about it. Then he pulled out a knife. That was the first time I say Tommy actually fight. I was not expecting his gay ass to buck down but he held his own, ya know.”

“Wait, what happen with the Jewish doctor?” I took another sip.

 

 

The Gritty ( part 2 )

The Gritty ( part 2 )

As I was walking up the steps, I saw a grown man fair-skinned with a scruff face. Tyree introduced him to me immediately, “This is Donovan I was telling you about earlier that was coming.” Tommy looked at him with a strong stare without saying a word. I started to feel unwelcome already. I was the last to walk into the door leaving me face to face with tommy. I told him thank you for having me and reached out to shake his hand. He ignored it and gave me a hug instead. “You’re welcome, you can sit at the corner in the chair.” I sat down and got comfortable making sure all my belongs were together. By the looks of it everybody already had to be older than me by at least a decade.

This other grown man was already drunk in front of me. He was so incoherent I probably appeared as a mirage to him.  Soon this short Spanish lady started talking to me out of random. “Yes, sweet heart, have yourself a drink. You know my man doesn’t even know that I am. I am soon about to go before he gets home,” the random lady said swaying side to side marinated in her liquor. “You know, what my man doesn’t know will not hurt him. I do a little…” She gestured her hand to her nose. “And my kids don’t know either. I have older kids about twenty-two and twenty-four, also I got my youngest daughter of two.” I started to then question her age if her oldest kid and I are the same age. Then to have a younger daughter of only two years, what age did she start having kids? ” I am 42,” she continued. “It is nobody business what drugs I do. I do my drugs for myself and not anybody else. So no one, especially my kids, can think they have the right to do it.” Although drunk, she made a valid point.  She continued in her ramblings about her and her friends and how they party about. I sat there listening and agreeing to everything she said. I don’t know her.

Tommy came out from his room showing me a picture of his Godparents. “This is a picture of my parents, I call them my parents because  didn’t know my real parents.” His godmother looked so pretty in her 1960’s glam hair style, her body pinched in a silver dress, and her lashes  with heavy eyeliner. “She looked like a party goer,” I said. “yeah, she was but she just passed, you still  have your mom around?” Tommy asked. “Yeah, I do.” I responded.  “Well, cherish her because my godmother was all I had and now she is gone.” Tommy started to weep empty tears, but I felt the pain inflicted on him from this realization. Tyree came from behind him, “Yo, what the hell I told you about tell everybody your passing. You not gonna’ learn are you? People are out here ready to take advantage of your ass and you’re out here being a bitch in front of strangers.” “Look!” Tommy blurted, “I am a grown ass man and this is my house and I can do what ever the hell I want too. Tyree, we have to talk come with me in my room.”

The Gritty

The Gritty

Damn, It is so cold I hope I don’t get stood up again, I thought. I paid the cab driver twenty dollars  wishing him a safe and good night. I stood right on the corner and gave him a call.  He didn’t pick up. It had to be sixteen degrees outside and Lord knows I don’t want to be out here for long. I saw the street sign counting down from 20 seconds and ran across the Grand Concourse to the other side. Maybe if I wait half way into the subway I won’t be too cold. I was making my way down the steps when someone called me. It was a middle-aged black man with his lips swollen.
“Hey sir, I’m sorry I know it’s cold I came from the shelter that’s around the block behind Taft High School, I need help with getting my ID in Brooklyn. It’s kind of hard asking people out here, you know man, this one guy thought he was too good to help me.”

I looked at him and shook my head. “Yeah, okay do you need help getting on the train I can swipe you on–”
“No,” He interrupted,” I can get on the train with no problem, I just need help with money for getting my ID, you see this?” He pointed to his fist. I saw one huge, dry, ashy, cold knuckle. “My main man, was telling me not to act a fool and rob people.”
” Yeah, don’t do that sir, it’s no need for all of that it is way too cold!” I said. He continued asking if I can help him with anything and I stood there thinking what I should do. Should I lie and say no? or break my twenty and give him ten?
“Well, lets look for a store and I will help you out with something.” I said. He sighed in great relief. We found a store several feet away where I broke the twenty and gave him two fives.
“Yo, man thank you so much, I am so grateful. I seen you cross the street and wanted to compliment your jacket also.” He said. I get compliments on my jacket quite often.
“Thank You and sure no problem.” I said. ” So what is your name?” He asked.
“My name is Donovan.” We walked back up the hill to the concourse and bid farewells when my phone started to ring.

It was Tyree. I seen him across the street standing tall with his Tim’s that match his beige jacket and hat. He was looking all other ways instead of in front of him when I approached him. He still looked the same from last week. Which made me a little at ease. “Yo, your here,” He said smiling. “I’m sorry that I had you waiting the other two times. I told you about my cousin in-law getting locked up and shit. I know we were suppose to go to the movies too–”
“Yeah, I know, but it is okay, now I am here. It’s cold as fuck now too.” I said. We walked down the hill. He was telling me how  they all drinking getting ready for the night.  He convinced me to get some liquor. I didn’t feel like drinking, merely because I didn’t want to be drunk in an unfamiliar place with strange people. “Okay, but I am getting the smallest thing of vodka,” I said. “Alright cool, and I’ll cover your drink,” he said.  I got me a little Barton’s Vodka. I never had that brand. I am not even a drinker. Liquor stores are as foreign to me as Spongebob is to being late for work.

Mike Huckabee, Shut The Fuck Up!

Mike Huckabee, Shut The Fuck Up!

Mind your own business…

Arkansas Republican Mike Huckabee decided to add his two sense about Michelle Obama allowing her daughters to listen to Beyonce. In an interview about his new book “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy” with People magazine he states the following:

 

“That’s the whole point. I don’t understand how on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful about the intake of everything – how much broccoli they eat and where they go to school and making sure they’re kind of sheltered and shielded from so many things – and yet they don’t see anything that might not be suitable for either a preteen or a teen in some of the lyrical content and choreography of Beyoncé

 

Mr. He-needs-to-mind-his-business Huckabee displays more of his irrelevant ass on music by explaining how Jay-z, the music mogul, exploits and pimps his wife, Beyonce in his book. His book apparently is about the social influences and relationship between the three heads of our nation, the government; Washington, D.C., Money; New York City; and entertainment; Hollywood.

 

“She has an exceptional set of pipes and can actually sing. She is a terrific dancer – without the explicit moves best left for the privacy of her bedroom. Jay Z is a very shrewd businessman, but I wonder: does it occur to him that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?”

I don’t give a Times Square rats ass about his damn opinion about subjects that is out of his job description. Why is this even such a major concern to him? Worry about raising your own kids and sheltering your own kids so you can further keep them ignorant to the world. Shelter your own kids with your bigot ass opinions ruining their free thinking. I am glad Michelle Obama did not comment on his catty statements. There are many things to worry about ie: Nigeria massacre, NAACP bombing, Police Brutality and more. These politicians never want to concern about the greater good of the people and fix the foundation of home which they are trying to run. It’s pure comedy and popularity.

“I’ve seen dusty pickup truck windshields that were less see-through. – Mike Huckabee

 

 

If the first lady wants to let her daughters embrace their own dark people and music, then so be it!Seeing Beyonce’s Drunk In Love performance is not going to have their girls on the couch twerking screaming Trap House and Daquan. That’s the problem again. These people are always biting the hands that feed them all the time, in other words,  they profit from our creation and then slander in the same breathe. It’s psychotic. I don’t mean to sound racially charged either, however, what I am saying rings some truth.

Mind your damn business Huckabilly, and stop hating on Michelle parenting. I hope his book does well. He just have a lot of nerve and audacity to come for Michelle Obama, Jay-Z, and Beyonce. Oh, and lets not forget what he said about Rihanna and her see through dress, “I’ve seen dusty pickup truck windshields that were less see-through.” I have to admit that was funny. Actually, it was hilarious! He still an asswhole though his comments.

These Great Plains roaming, mountain living, desert camping, ignorant Republicans gets on my last nerves. And who the hell puts God and Guns in the same sentence along with Grits and Gravy? The fuck he know about Grits and Gravy? And yes, I did purposely pic pictures of Beyonce and Michelle Obama looking unbothered and immaculate in a similar black and white photo with Mike Huckabee looking grumpy and pressed in color. Petty…indeed.

Read the article by People Here

Hilarious & Epic News Bloopers of 2014

You cannot sit and say you have never had the urge to bombard a News Reporter live and just fuck his or her whole segment up? I’ve inspired to do it so many times !

So while scrolling on Facebook procrastinating on my reading of “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail” by Cheryl Strayed, I came across a video compilation of News bloopers

I finally found the blooper of Charlo Greene quitting on live television. She did It so eloquently and smooth that I had to pause and say, “Wait, did she just say “fuck it I quit.” Rewinding the clip to reassure and the hell she did. She is a Boss!

 

So beautifully done, followed by the Kanye West shrug he did after he bombed Taylor Swift Acceptance speech at the MTV Awards. Too hilarious!  Also, watch her explanation for why she left like a boss in a video done by Complex News

Watch the best news bloopers of 2014 and laugh your ass off!

Moral of the story

A man decides to go fishing. He takes his bait of worms and places it on the hook of the fishing rod. The man cocks back his hand and throws the fishing rod as far as he can. The bait plunges in to the bottom of the ocean. On the opposite side of the ocean another man does the same exact thing. By fate the two hooks meet and cling onto each other. The two guys are amazed happen to think they caught a fish.

One guy start to reel in very aggressively anticipating what seems to be a big catch. The other guy wheels in with a slow and steady pace. The aggressive fisher started to reel in too fast to soon and broke the bond.

Both fisher believed their strategies caused the lost of the fish. The agressive guy asked a master fisherman back home and said “master, why is it when I reel in a fish as fast as I can I don’t have a fish?”

The master replied,”you have to be one with the fish and reel in. Too aggressive can startle a fish and it will release.” The slower guy asked his master back home and he said “you were to slow so the fish just ain’t the bait and left. You have to be one with the fish and reel in.” Both fisherman asked “how do you be one with the fish?” And the answer to that was simple. “Be you and the fish”

The next day the Fisher set sea to try again. Both by fate caught each others hooks again. This time, they mistakingly took the opposite approach. The aggressor was too slow and the slow was to aggressive. They went home again disappointed.

The third day they set sea again with the intention to be one with the fish. By fate their hooks caught and they started to reel in. Harmoniously, they reel and reel trying remain controlled.

Eventually they realized that their hooks didn’t catch a fish but each other. With astonishment they realized they was the fish for each other.

THE END.

Now what do you think the moral of the story is? And how can I apply to you and or relationship?

Organized Religion

Do you like organized religion?

My journey through spirituality has been a continuous one around 2010 through growing close to a devoted Christian. Well two friends actually were great influences on my Christianity.

Merely, cause at the time I was trying to find myself a little more deeply and thought why not give this a chance. See, religion wasn’t so strict in my house growing up. Yes we celebrated easter the urban way buy getting new clothes, also Xmas. We never really went to church regularly and quite frankly I’m glad we didn’t. We did do bible study though for a short period of time.

Naturally because of my sexuality I always felt severed from religion because of the outpour of hate. Which to me hate is hate, hate feels like hate in your chest and emotions. and hate is no different from any other hate. Anyways, I, however, also feel separated from the stories in the bible. It seems like all the main heroes on the story had this amazing gift to speak to God and have this divine connection even speak to angels. I wanted to feel as special and connected to God as all the characters in the bible. Can at least speak in tongue and experience the very essence of the holy spirit.

I would look around me and through experience I never saw anymore of these heroes created after the bible. So I thought why did the bible and its stories end? Are there no more heroes to be made to save us from economic slavery, what about  U.S. slavery in the 1800’s who was the great moses of that time? Even the Holocaust.  There were no religious supermans created like Noah and moses and more?

I would read the bible and get lost in translation. I saw nothing but a set of rule books that represented that period and point of time. At church service I was in love with the music and live bands and the promotion of happiness to some degree. I never understood the need to donate money. And I never understood the speaking in tongue experience which further made me felt unworthy

The unworthy feeling crept as I read more into religion. Then came the connections of organized religion.
Why are they’re so many domininations of Christianity that selectively chooses to teach what they want. On top of not agree with another form of belief in its same sector like Catholics and Judaism.

I didn’t like the ideal of blind faith because its what’s caused the destructions of many people and the foundations of the tragic horrors people use from manipulation. You can’t disprove an opinion and people have used and exploited “God” because its a subjective term than can and is a motive behind everything right or wrong.

I cannot fight against someone saying. “I got a calling from God, he spoke to me and told me to invade Manhattan” it’s impossible.

So I gave up and started to venture off to spirituality and realized in was getting better reaults as far as connections with the higher intelligence then organized religion.

I learned to love myself, nourish my body, pray positively, I felt free from any constrictions. No demanding tithes or hateful slurs. I didn’t feel guilty and unworthy for being who I am. I seen it as the original of all religion. The practice of love and oneness with all.

Astronauts get the same awakening experience when flying out of space and look back at whole world. Its a since of feeling that we are all one. Not that selective people are going to heaven. Not who is going to hell. Not, the lack of free thinking and individuality while still maintaining a sense of togetherness. Not this religion is faker and we should kill them for not believing what I do. Not promoting fear.

I am not against religion. I am against religious insititutions it goes against the purpose of religion. We are humans of free will and thought with the ability to create. We are creators like the divine. Anything that prohibits our very nature of free thought into someone else thought is rather a strong control. I dont wanted to be controlled.

I want to love and be free in me.

Plus I scene the destruction of these institutions and it’s very very long history of havoc even today. You won’t get that from the monks,gurus and even ghandi.

Surprisingly, our founding fathers were not of any religion. They believed in the higher power not a religious God. They also believed you get closer to “God” by understanding nature and its laws. This is called deitsim as they came from the Age Of Reason.

So, how do you feel about organized religion