Boys Do “This,” Girls Do “That”

Growing up I was very Unique. In most pictures it was very easy to point me out, not because I was extremely cute with a smile of the sun and dimples of the deep, but merely from being the kid that did weird poses and expression. I made picture taking…FUN! And this sense of  doing what comes to mind is still with me today. It, however, wasn’t easy.

I was really good by the way

I was really good by the way

I don’t know why, I don’t even care to know why, I was attracted to “girly” things. No! not wearing my moms clothes or having long hair, although, I did used to put the neck of a T-shirt around my head to swing it, but all kids did that!  . . right? Well, who cares. In elementary school,  I would be the boy you mostly see with the girls playing hand games like Numbers, Patty Cake, Miss Marry Mat, and Tweet Baby! I loved the hand eye coordination matched with rhythmic words telling an elaborate story. I would literally be the only boy to do these activities, and of course I did get the back lash of words and phrases belittling my being. Kids are mean. They say what they want with no second thought or remorse. Uncouthly, they speak their truth.
Naively, I thought I could bring the same careless at home. Nope, that wasn’t the case. I had a bad history of being teased for being feminine. My parents tried to conform me in ways to oppose the harsh criticism. Sometimes it resulted in me teasing them back or fighting, which didn’t happen often.

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys...fuck that I'm stay a kid!

Nobody sent me this fake change from kids to boys…fuck that I’m stay a kid!

I hated being teased, but I hated to do things that did not appeal to me even more. Hanging around girls came with a strong sense of ease. They had more fun together, they were always consistently laughing and giggling. Boy’s on the other hand, I felt like I had to live up to an expectation of masculinity that took way to much work. I felt like they and me were acting. Especially, around intermediate school, boys “grew up”. In the summer of 4th grade going into 5th grade, Allegedly, there was a memo sent around saying boys will now prematurely deepen their voices, pull their pants below their waist, and only like basketball and football. I damn sure never got this memo.

I liked playing double dutch. My parents tried numerous times to ban me from playing it. It was something that “girls do” amongst me talking with my hands, because Italians do that too, and talking on the phone too long, etc. I remember playing double dutch with my friends and my mother came to the park to pick me up. She scolded me, “Didn’t I tell you, you shouldn’t be jumping Double Dutch, it’s for girls, are you a girl?

Then came the lecture of in order to stop the name calling I had stop doing girly things bullshit.  This started to take a toll on me. I was afraid to bring a rope home, I was afraid to speak on experiences. I slowly was developing a double life very early in my childhood. One day I after a good rope session I made up this dumb lie to change her perspective on me jumping rope.  I said, “Mom did you know they passed a law so boys can jump rope.” She replied sarcastically, “oh really?”

downloadI thought I had won her over and now I was freed from the shackles of stupidity. I was wrong again. I with all honestly couldn’t not understand what rule book many people were going by. Did I really lived in my own world throughout my life? The rejection forced me look at the world around me and question deeply WHO MAKES THESE STUFF UP? and why can’t I just do and be me? what is so wrong for a boy to play hand games and jump rope. I’m not going around in girls clothes at 7 yrs. of age, or even saying I want to be a girl.  So I felt If I can’t do what I want to do, then I’m not going to do anything at all. And that’s exactly what I did till I was 15.

SO, I ask you readers, have you ever been forced out of your likings for the sake of someone else or image?

Writer’s Block Party: Food, Drinks, and Confusion For FREE!

Daily Prompt: Writers Block Party

When was the last time you experienced writer’s block? What do you think brought it about — and how did you dig your way out of it?

Well before I start… COME OUT TO THE DAILY ANNUAL WRITERS BLOCK PARTY FREE CONFUSION! FREE PANIC ATTACKS! FREE DEPRESSION! FREE FOOD AND DRINKS! FREE NO KNOWN WAY TO GET OUT OF IT

Everyday @ anytime! located on In Your Mind Street Between the Devil and Inspirational Avenue

Come meet local mourners around you and celebrate one of the most forgotten writers diseases in history of inscribing 

That’s it, just wanted to promote this event.

So… To  answer this question I am currently in a writers block and have been for the whole summer. Why? Well, because I want to start on my memoir and don’t know how to begin. Also, I don’t want to relive some of the most haunting memories. I just know I have a great story to tell. I don’t want to spell all that I am going to write in that book on here. Then, I don’t want to update nonsense. I want to update quality that is going to attract people. This is not Facebook and Twitter.

Yes, Daily prompt helps to a degree, it helps me stay relevant. I don’t like to feel forced to write or write about what some one else suggested. I want my blog to be organic.

I figure I have to read or experience more so i have something to write about. This is so not the journey I thought blogging will be. I never really experience the pressure of writers block until i started blogging. Well I never really took writing seriously prior to that.

I figure if I follow, read more write more, I can write more, I don’t know.I know I am still in a writers block. So I cant even say how I got out of it.

Freedom

This growing freedom feels great.
I can almost tear thinking about the possibilities of what I can do for I am not in a relationship anymore.

I can focus on myself and what I want to do for me. I can be 22 years old.
 Before, I calculated my move and prevented myself from doing many things on the account of my partner.  I was afraid everything I do will be wrong. If I go to a friends/associates house he doesn’t know, If I go somewhere without telling him, If I say or handle any situations I don’t like.

It was underhanded manipulation. I felt taking for granted.
You have to understand how it feels to constantly be in the wrong in someone eyes and never appreciated as fully as you appreciated. Don’t get my wrong I had my fault in some too that was completely understandable.

however, I know for sure 90% of my actions did not hurt the relationship. I have been emotionally stomped on with the person who plays the relationship card monthly.

The disrespect, the mind games, the manipulation, all of that is no more and I am so happy.
At first it I didn’t understand it. I mourned, I felt very sad and low like any normal breakup.

But what woke me up was even after all is said and done I still got faulted on, angered at, blamed and all the above. Which forces me to automatically be the victim. I for one am tired of being the victim after constantly showing my love for someone.

I could’ve been treated better.

but Now, I can roam the city freely, learn to love myself again, learn to love someone else and take the lesson I’ve learned the passed three years.

I can spend the night at a friends house and don’t have to worry. Spend money on me and only me.

and just simply be RIGHT!

IF you have experience some form of freedom after a break up or anything rather, share in the comment box

 

Bad Blogger I am

SHAME ON ME!

I know I haven’t been updating my blog as much as I should and taking full advantage on my writing skills. I just haven’t been full inspired in a long time and I don’t like to just up and post random anything with little to no content.

I know when I am in my writing zone. Lately, though I recently been I a break up of three years and I just couldn’t release my thoughts from that (still can’t sometimes). I would try to write about it on here but I realized I looked like a depressed dark person with back to back post on sadness.

Which at the time I was a depressed dark person mourning his loss of love.

“Don’t call it a come back,” as LL Cool J would say, but I am ready to start this up again.
I wont say I am on a newer path but I am on newer path, hehe!

I’m ready to start a newer path and try new opportunities now that I am free. I was free before but this is a different type of free. Before I was free with Loving someone else. Now I am free with Loving myself.

I’m ready to move about freely with out the concern of feeling wrong or my actions are to be in doubt.

No need to feel guilty anymore. Gosh, the freedom with just saying that alone.

Well, I have been drafting a few things that I will drop soon probably today or tomorrow, like a single on iTunes, laugh out loud!

I’m choosing the next person to be in my life. They are coming to me and be harmonious in what I am doing.

anywho, that is all for now. if You guys have instagram Please lets exchange follows

Instagram: 4everlastingtae 

 

Y’ALL FACEBOOKERS SUCK!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS'ERS!

THANK YOU WORDPRESS’ERS!

First and foremost I would like to thank all that have followed me and gave wonderful feedback about my writing. You guys are influencing my ever-changing career goal. I just may have solidified  my “calling” to writing. Just no academic writing. Or in other words, A nice way to put upper class words in chaotic sentence structures with Aristotle worded synonyms.

 

I am not here for THAT!
However, I figured I lighten up my blog with a more humorous side. I don’t want to appear like 1994 Mary J. Blige and depressed and shit.
ya’ know! 

 

So as a common Facebooker I decided to shed a few tips on how to use Facebook, in my opinion:

WE THE CITIZENS OF AMERICA DON’T CARE WHAT BUS STOP YOU’RE SITTING AT. What I don’t understand

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

Fuck You keep writing dumb shit for?

is the necessary notion to poorly detail your incomplete thoughts that will not generate a single like. What does one saying, ” I see an ant on the ground” do to anything to better humanity! Better yet, do anything period well, you gave the ant a shout out hooray! Like it really honestly annoys me. Most of the time it be disgusting blunt posts like…”Watching Porn” or “sniffing coke”…yeah, It get’s very real out in cyber land. I know Facebook is technically another blog and makes them bloggers…right? What they post is considered “published” You can’t then say, It’s too person, to be too personal, cause we do strive for that as bloggers right? …but bitch, still..NO! F.B. IS NOT FOR THAT! its social media…BE SOCIAL NOT PERSONAL!

 

 

STOP LYING ON FACEBOOK. No dead seriously, Tom you cannot lie to Dick and Harry when you are taking a selfie in the bathroom that is not yours. Not when Dick and Harry been to your house, pissed in your toilet, washed their hands (this very uncommon nowadays) to look up at your dirty mirror above the sink. They know that marble sink in the bottom of your selfie is NOT yours, nor that crystal clean mirror reflecting the hotel bed.

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

NEW BATHROOM #SELFIE

Oh yeah bro, you are not low!

91fca4c72f12552f50fe55e0e6d01335BE PUBLICLY PRIVATE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. “Publicly Private” is my own phrase I will soon copyright meaning to be publicly open about your relationship but what goes in your relationship is private. Or for that matter any involvement of you. Have some damn privacy!  You are doing nothing but embarrassing yourself arguing on a Facebook post when y’all can simply text or call each other. You trying to embarrass your longest relationship of two weeks by exploiting your partner of all the hoes he slept with…Well darling, you should’ve thought about this before asking a hand in marriage. Deep down we all know most of the Facebook relationship die faster than your Iphone. Give the relationship the chance to fertilization and germinate before you abort it on Facebook. Learn from Jay-z and Beyoncé or all of your 2,000 friends will shake their heads like at you! Like, “wasn’t yesterday they were so in love, wow! Hollywood much?”

WHY BE SO NEGATIVE?  I cannot stress this so much. Why be so negative, Why? These videos showing missing legs, dead

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

THAT BITCH IS BITTER AS FUCK!

people, dis formed babies and dogs…this is not Saw 6! These graphic images do nothing but desensitize you making you even more of a colder human being. Why like the photo knowing the everybody on the timeline is going to see that. whether you believe so or not doing that is adding negativity to the loads of it that we deal basically. Especially when you scroll down seeing nothing but several people “Hating” something! I hate this, I hate that, I don’t like this, she said that. It depressing.  I honestly think it shows the state of mind of an individual of they doing point #1 of this list and it all negative…We start saying nice things like how green the grass is or the nice weather. Even a new sale going on at Popeye’s I CAN GO FOR THAT AT LEAST!

 

I am NOT LIKING SHIT YOU TELL ME!  To simply point. You saying LMS (Like My Status) for whatever reason is dumb and just there to add to your ego that I refuse to stroke! Even these LMS about Jesus shit. IT’S PROPAGANDA!  You are not going to mentally make me feel guilty and bad when the person who probably post it is sucking dick in the alley! … DO NOT tell me to like a mutherfucking thing with these threats saying i’m going to hell.

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

LIKE THIS ASSWHOLE !!!

That is all folks.

I hope we all everyday strive for a for a better Facebook because it is very important in our lives. Where would we would be we without Facebook? …probably higher in life

 

I Wish Times Like These Were Recorded

          We  just had our monthly screaming match, definitely explaining the delicate dynamic of an Aries and Gemini relationship. I, from the need of seeing him, should admit I am in full responsibility to adding unnecessary stress.I heard him scream and reach notes so high that hoarse his voice in the moment. I stood on the other line in complete astonishment when I’m really suppose to be in film class; but, who wants to watch a 3 hour film by Hitchcock…No one! I realized then that bitching and complaining about the past was clearly not the time and place. I however, had the burning sensation in my mind to ask what apparently has been bothering me for some time. This burning need to complain about love-is-caring-when-angry-quotedormant thoughts that has no effect on me, honestly.  Deep down I have this idea that I should say whatever I want and argue, or in my eyes debate, about anything and get over it by the next day. I want that ultimate comfort-ability to know we going have resilience and  bounce back into our lovable ways. Gladly enough we did!

                     After our trip to the movies that Sunday, two days after our heated debate, we walked the busy streets of Times Square to Union Square, to the village and sat down on a bench. We seated ourselves away from the highly populated gay area. I didn’t want to run into any acquaintances ruining my person time with him as they will with  gay ballroom scene talks. We sat and we talked and I felt extremely fulfilled. The dark waters of the Hudson river reflects the city lights like black diamonds setting the moody so romantically. “The water looks cool this time,” he said while I stare at his strong features in his face.
“Yeah, it looks so silky and calm.” We agreed.

               Moments later we took pictures of our silhouette on the floor and underneath a light pole. We striven to find a good selfie under the 10:00 sky where he would take pictures and then we will switch positions with me being the photographer. We sat side by side on the bench again this time I moved in closer with his arms wrapped around me. These are the nights I love the most and I feel so lucky to have this type of connection with someone where the feelings are the same, our history together proving our strength through time, and still feel like its new. That “new” feeling strikes me every time I see him walk to me from where he is at outside. It’s the only time I see him from a distance able to see all of him move about in space around me. Within this short period of time that slows down in my mind, I can feel my feelings hot against my skin. I look at him with new eyes of attractiveness. His eyes sit behind strong eyebrow features and cheekbones adding depth. The shadow that cast across his eyes from afar puts me in such a submissive state I just want to succumb and melt into his strength. I feel protection in his eyes. I am proud to say he is mine.2014-05-11 21.31.47

                    I looked at his admirable face again as he talks cheerfully about his career, like how a little kid may ramble on about nothingness and the parent responds with “Okay, son.” He turned to me puckering his bold lips, another feature I loved. I went in for the kill, “What are you doing?” he says with his lips fixed in place not putting in his 10%. This was something he always do and it gets me every time. I will be so excited to wallow in his affection and he takes this vulnerability to playfully make me seem like i’m the crazy one. “Oh my god,” I said backing away. He then puckered his lips and I landed mine on his.

                     We decided to try to bar hop in the local bars around the village; the free ones.  We spoke about our beginnings together in another bar called The Web and how it’s was just a nice chill spot for us together. I cherish the memory of just sitting in his arms while the house music plays with the fast bass in sync with the heart of mine. I loved how we were not bothered about being around Go-Go dancers twirling around. The stillness in myself, the need to not worry about life anymore, all blended in those times I cherish .
We ended up at The Hangar, a bar narrow in size with one dance stage and one pool table. We found at seat and just marveled in the present moment. He took my hand and we played thumb wars but we used both hands simultaneously. It was very fun and creative to do. I laugh over and over staring into his eyes while trying to pin down both thumbs. Nothing at all mattered but that moment. I wish time this was recorded. I want to play back at the intensity of undivided attentionBAR.

                       After our second time going to The Hangar that night we sat in the same area before. This time I sat next to with no table separating us. He grabbed my hand and laid on my shoulder. In the bar you can see many other guys trying to hook up in search for what I have next to me. I felt above every one there. In a sense too, a thought slipped in suggesting maybe our closeness will make other people uncomfortable. I wouldn’t care honestly, because I was able to freely express my love to him in a open environment. there’s nothing like being open with whom you love. I thought about the hard times my predecessors had in the late 60’s where it was a law against holding another man they way he held me that night in the bar. I really do love him and times like these reassures me over and over leaving to not forget.

tickleWith his hands around my waist he tickles me to the beat of the song. I could not stop laughing,. I didn’t want to stop laughing I was having soo much fun. He was playing with me providing immense amount of attention. I hope my laughter and smile brought joy to him in the same process. We probably looked so innocent and new to love, but we are not. We are three years thick in filled with a lot of growth, lessons, and clashes. Times Likes I wish they were recorded. So I can play back the provable love and joy we can bring to each other.

Daily Prompt: Reason to Believe

Daily Prompt: He’s So Fine

Daily Prompt: A form of Flattery

Daily Prompt: First Sight

Daily Prompt: Pride and Joy

Do Titles Do More Bad Then Good?

I’m curious are relationship titles need?
Titles ranging from boyfriends to situationships.
There seems to be a need to have some sort of the identification, is it because of the ego?

I ask this because two years ago and even last year I struggled with the need to have a title in my relationship. I thought it was so important because that what we are taught; You date, then make it official simultaneously getting that title. The struggle came in when I felt like I needed the title to feel complete. The actions of a full relationship was there on both ends, however, during hardships and turmoil and little voice in the back of my head come forth. This voice constantly antagonize me for being in what they called an unofficial relationship.

untitled

I would ask a friend or two about this issue and mostly get responses like, “Nah, after 4 months this means he don’t want you. You are being used. Give him an ultimatum.” I will feel even more insecure. Even though this was far from the truth, a negative mindset will fool you into thinking otherwise. Also, I had this need of wanting more and more to feel complete once again; feeding the ego more and more.  I had the substance, I had enough substance to make others jealous of my relationship. So was the title really necessary. This is not a job.

Somehow, I thought the title was going to complete all that is missing. Why? cause titles comes with expectations. Boyfriends are obligated to do X,Y,Z. Friends are expected to do all of this, and all of that, girlfriends got to act a certain way. This made me question…
imagesCANYN86R
what’s the difference between the honeymoon stage in a relationship to the Post-Honeymoon stage? Looking deep into the actions of a couple and from my experience, there is a level of ease and freedom. During the honeymoon stage you wouldn’t feel obligated to do anything because more than likely there is no title, so your actions become natural, free, and willingly. There is not hard concern about your partners location, and social life then, so why does it have to change later on.
imagesCA23AZ9F

During the honeymoon stage, the seriousness is way down. couples are to concern with being in each others presence and discovering. For me, there less nagging, less worry and concern although I cared equally. For an example, I realized I was got to conscious on my partners locations all the time. I felt the need to know all the time every minute, if he moved from where I thought he would be and I wasn’t aware I would feel offended.  If his mom don’t have a GPS on him, why should I? During the beginning I didn’t so why start now? In my mind, I reasoned, “well if somebody would to ask me where is he, and I say I don’t know, that would make me look like I didn’t care for him.” But why be so strict and overbearing? The deeper the feelings grow the more fear of getting hurt badly there is, so we act irrational?

So I ask you guys, how do you feel about titles?
Do you feel like it adds obligations and pressure?
Do you feel the need to have it, if so why?
Do you feel its better to have the title and no substance or substance and no title?