I sat in the living appreciating this rare moment in which I was in solitude. It’s a rare time when my young brother leaves for the day and my mom is out for work simultaneously. I laid across the brown leather love seat closest to the window with my up legs against the arm of the chair and my head against the other. I placed my nook down after spending some time reading “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. It’s such an inspirational work of art that causes me to reflect on my own much more, or much deeper I suppose. I resonated with another human taking about a brave task to center herself in the natural world, hiking through the snowy alps of her memories, with the attitude to keep on going. I stared out the window looking at the building adjacent absorbing the midday sun. It didn’t look like it was cold outside since I’m warm and the sun rays were at its peak for the day. I got up still listening to the silence of the house accompanied by my thoughts. I made way to the brown wall unit that held the flat screen TV framed with pictures of the of me as a kid, awards, fancy ornaments given from friends that traveled, but one picture stood out the most. I was only looking at the wall unit to see my reflection. Me wearing my multicolored tights of red, yellow, orange, green, and blue. It sparked the sun light and the glass window on the furniture reflected it. I tried doing a dance move fixing the posture reminding myself again how my form and precision sucks. I needed to take professional dance classes immediately.
I glanced down and saw a picture of my prom of me and my distant friend Tammy, who lives back in her hometown in Canada. I studied my face shaking my head at the split image resemblance I had of my father. We both shared the same strikingly bright smile with deep dimples and naturally straight teeth. The gene that brought me many compliments and possible wooed people over. The gene that always cleared me at the dentist without typically brushing my teeth twice a day everyday and flossing. I smiled thinking I look older, but not much older. The date across the picture sealed in album says, “THS PROM 2010” I thought, “wow that was five years ago” and I wasn’t pleased with that thought. I bunched my lips to the side feeling a sense of pity for myself. I kept thinking what the hell I did or accomplished this past five years and I couldn’t a finger on it. Although small accomplishments were made, I did feel like I should be at a better place where I am at now. Honestly, I am. I am just not satisfied. For when I look at between 2010 I saw many changes.
My rareness of my smile has now dampened. The left side of my face undergo facial weakness soon after that prom picture was taken, that at one point it completely took my smile away from me. It has yet full restored, I do believe it will in time, after I start a healthier eating lifestyle. The picture was taken on my left side profile and it occurred to me also I was able to hear out of both ears. That was taken away from me, as well, after a major operation in 2013 which made me look like Vince Van Gogh for Halloween. Then I funneled into a negative thought spell even more.
What was I doing for the past five years? I couldn’t pinpoint an answer. Other than feeling like a totally failure or a stagnant being. Stuck in mud. Chained to a leash that illusion me of making progress and when I wasn’t. I felt like I did nothing but fail at college over and over. I already got kicked out from a community college for failed grades. I hated school and still do, but at the time I honestly wasn’t certain on what I wanted to do. However, I sure did sounded like it. “I want to be a weather man” I would say to other people to me sound like I had a solid direction like everyone around me. I gave me parents the safety belt while making me look good to other people. I claimed to what seemed probable to me. I had this long deep desire for tornadoes not understanding is not the broadcasting weather I want to do, it was just simply going to the great plains to chase a tornado. That specifically. I didn’t want to know the chemistry of weather. I joined my first relationship broken then every before at the same time in college. With that I thought that community college right in the garbage and did not care. I had no friends there, all my close friends were gone away to school, and I stopped doing my hobby to sustain my first job and college. When this relationship came along I had to be in the mindset that it will make everything better. That my life will give color again. The taste of freedom, love, and consistency will be given to me by once person to compensate the state I was in. So I grasped all of that while waving college I hated goodbye.
I put my time and energy into that creation for the next four years, switching to another school failing at that again for not wanting to be there, and getting fired from two jobs back to back, while trying to understand my wants and needs in the mist trying my hardest to fulfill the ramifications of another. Lets add also, trying to succeed in my hobby that challenges you emotionally, mentally, physically, and my wallet. I looked back at my relationship and really think I failed miserably.
I don’t know if the feelings stated play apart in the long feeling of inertia the burdens my back and day-to-day activities, but when I look at that picture from 2010 I couldn’t help myself but to funnel in this pool of mess and low self-esteem. The unexplained lethargy have embodied my much more these past few months. As I trying to heighten my sense of self I do understand I have to come to terms with myself about many, many things. It’s like opening wounds so they can heal properly, but being much more content with slapping band-aids when a reopening occurs. That’s mostly what I have been doing prior my self-awareness journey; point fingers, blame, forget, runaway. I know how my thoughts gravely affects my mood. My thoughts influences my experiences, my thoughts can heal and destroy, manifest, I know I am an unlimited being connected to all. I know, I believe, I witnessed. I know my power. It’s point in which you stop just knowing and start apply what I know to better myself. It’s that purgatory between knowing and doing.