There’s Introverts, extroverts, anti-socials, Social lite, Facebook-ers, Tumblers’, then there’s me.
I am not blah, but I definitely took a major sigh like the one you took yesterday when you ran into traffic, or when you were squished on the 2 train during rush hour, or when your child spilled food today.I sighed–not so dramatically–only because, okay well, it’s not a difficult topic in my life, but I’m trying now to stabilize it. Here’s what I mean:
When it came to my social life growing up, I guess you can the people around me were stabled. Predominately only being surround by school friends, they served as my stability to about roughly 6th-7th grade. I always wanted that one best friend growing up but I never really did, well, I had one who lived below me but he wasn’t part of my “school friends” clique so when about outside people thought he was socially awkward. Maybe It’s me, but as a kid you can be anybody’s best friend. Eventually, we ended up grow apart. I believed merely because I started to become engaged with more and more people in school and found a “clique” to be in. By this time, around the 6th-7th grade period, I guess you can say I was alone. Walking to and from school I did by myself and only associated with people while at school. As for weekends were filled with many things like sleeping at my cousins house or playing video games. I became a homebody. Summers I stayed in all the time until my mother kicked me out to get some fresh air. I didn’t know whom to call downstairs or what to do. Going to the “big park” became deserted. My social life as a kid were heavily based on school and summer camps. The people in these areas never intertwined. So, I, without notice became used to inconsistency.
It wasn’t until late 7th grade, early eighth grade I found a strong clique that fulfilled me in so many areas. I tasted the sweetness in strong bonds and stability amongst my peers that accepted me. It was a group of outcast so to speak, you had one nerd, one punk, one religious freak, one gay, one slut, one jock, and two “extras.” Extras meaning a friend of another that just happened to be around and melted in the pot with the rest. We had immense amount of memories that I would forever take with me. They solidified what I call “Home friends” simply from having so many experiences in such a short time. We spent every season almost everyday hanging together as a group in the library afterschool doing everything. From gossip to homework to be banned from the library we went through it all together, Truth or Dares, sleepovers and fights, the list goes on.
Things changed however. At least with me.
Around the time of high school that following year, it was like rebirth. I was stripped of all I knew two months prior. This huge high school and I barely knew anybody. I knew no one honestly. I didn’t feel like “coming out” again and finding my nitch that I knew all too well. Going to the library became dry and almost redundant for we didn’t arrive at the same time. all of us in different schools meant going home at different times. I was the only one who didn’t travel outside the community for school. eventually, we ended up becoming friends with newer people. Or maybe it was just me. See, very early into my high school year I started dancing and became absorbed and exposed to much more than I can bargain for. The dance I joined was filled with seniors that, if you say, whipped my maturity into shape. I finally, did joined a hobby that I loved dearly. This group of new people took me upstate to dance and all around NYC. At only 15, a boy who didn’t know much outside his community was exposed to so much. Dating became prevalent and solidifying my sexuality and more made up 2008. I felt like, my home friends were still in this immature bracket. I felt like this, “My new friends are better for they are doing so many new things and I am experiencing so much and doing many new fun exciting things. So it’s not that I don’t want to hang out with you guys, but I’m traveling to places and you guys are still playing truth or dare.” So I distance myself from them, gradually, and not from a direct conscious choice. As for the times I did, I would be like, “I want hang with my dance team.” I became M.I.A to them.
A point came to when the dance team I was with that shaped my teenage years I moved on from them too. I wanted to in a sense be around more people like me, I wanted to gay friends and learn about what is was to be that. I didn’t want to feel like the token gay kid…that was very boring. So I left that group, joined another, that group closed, and joined another. Over the span of the four years rapid changes were constant. Every year was almost drastically different from the rest. This resulted me to become okay and fine with people coming and going and loosing connections with people as time went on. I built a mentality to keep in touch with those are presently around me. So, If I changed dance groups then the connections of the people in the previous group will be diminishing or just lost. I didn’t find it important to stabilize anybody. I felt what ever I’m going through is so much in a disconnect to “old friends” it made no sense to even communicate with them constantly as once before.
In other words, the bonds that connected me to many people were severed once I changed into a new endeavor. Conversation diminished from not being around and things being ” you have to be there to know” or “So much to catch you up on” or explaining un-relatable experiences, it all just became like so much effort to me.
There came a time right after high school (2010) that I was removed from all groups of friends from the past. My home friends, my school friends, my dance friends all came to a halt. I realize entering college I had to repeat the same situation I went through in 2007. I didn’t want to. I didn’t make friends at school and working on weekends made it even harder.
All I was really was left with was myself for a good year. Most of my social life were based off Facebook.
Two social groups or standpoints after that fell apart two in about two years afterwards the only that that remained the same was my relationship. As I started a new endeavor I wanted to make due with the people in this new hobby but realized I couldn’t it was toxic to do so. The people I couldn’t relate to at all outside of my hobby so it hindered my building relationships with people. I just accepted it as this is who I am and I am not just built for clique because my life pulls me from it often. I had the ability to blend and form myself into cliques if I choose too but not enough will power to sustain. It wasn’t until recently after some readings and self reflection, and my significant other I decided it not too late to still rekindle with specific people and strengthen my bond with them. I have the lovely power of choice to choose whom I can keep close and sustain with. I know the type of people I can bond with effortlessly and the old friends who will effortlessly welcome me back into their lives. Why? well, because although changes happened in my life so drastically, bridges were never broken in the process.
It got to the point where if someone want to befriend me I would keep them at a very far distance to prevent the scenarios repeating itself. I would be say,” well I’m inconsistent so you’re going to have to accept that and deal with it.” It wasn’t the fear of getting to close, it was the obligation that comes with cliques and best friend titles that I didn’t want to live up too. I wanted to hang out with whom ever and not feel like I’m betraying which rarely happens, however, I am homebody also which played in part when some of my peers wanted to go out every weekend. It wasn’t me, plus, I didn’t have the money, and I live in a far place in NYC. So, Late night travels after clubs aren’t fun…especially waiting for a 20 minute bus in -1 degree weather.
although I may have liked the idea of being mysterious and the ability to be a social butterfly if I choose, consistency is still relatively important. I can still live my life and remain stabled with friends who aren’t doing the exact same thing. I like the fact I can pick and choose from various points of my life of people I want to befriend with and make my own circle of friends without being a circle of friends. It’s like wearing different labels at once and not feeling like I have to by all my clothes from one store. The freedom in that is amazing!
So inspired by my significant other need for some stability in my social life, with other added experiences and new wants in my life I am making steps currently in strengthening bonds with people that comes effortlessly. Well, that all so far my self reflection
NEXT UP: I got the chance to dance with FERGIE and KELLY OSBURNE !