Ever Critically Analyzed Your Relationship? Well, Here’s mine of Four Years. Part 2: The Insecurity.

Read Part 1: The Value

   You have it, she experienced it, he said it, they provoked it. We all have these doubts and not-so-good thoughts that takes away from our image. By definition is means lack of confidence. Confidence comes from within, so fixing and deal with insecurities starts with the self first. One does not fully control on anothers confidence. Generally, no one should have any control over your confidence, or at least lowering them. We also have no reason to lower our own confidence, but we do anyways. Now, what I’m not saying is that its bad to have these feelings. What I am going to explain is how it played a role in my relationship. Like many things, we don’t realize how much power we have over our thoughts and emotions. Many have no clue of how much of a choice we have over almost every aspect of out lives. I will explain how at times we feel insecure within ourselves and implement them into our relationships expecting our significant other to be responsible to fix them. We have to start taking responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and feelings first before we can solve them.

Through my experience I hope other grasp the context of what I am saying, of course my thoughts of the moment of  each experience will be bolded and italic. I do hope to all that reads try to relate this to your own experiences. I hopefully help in some way shape of form.

                                                                                                                          …

Thought’s like, ” In my past relationship I went through this, this, and that. He/She made me feel like this, that and above, and its up to you as a boyfriend or girlfriend  to make me feel the opposite and make my get over the past and be my savior. In order to do fix you must do that and that, and I expect you to do this and that and more.” This is common script right? Do you think this method have or will work?

For example, I know a person who in a relationship and shares facebook passwords. This is a common script to avoid issues and show from one to another that “We trust, each other” and there “Nothing to hide,”  because I am just open to you.  First off , you already coming into the relationship with a prenup. But to continue, my friend would everyday check the boyfriends inbox looking and reading and finding. Almost like everyday is a test passed. There’s no need for all of that. Do you see how the sharing of passwords does not permanently fix the issue but rather just adds fuel to her insecurity.  Let her read a basic message and interpret it with her insecurity to then bomb her boyfriends with thousands of questions…who wants to go through that. As for my friend who wants to feel that feeling of negativeness sitting in your heart while your in this panic. Where’s the ease, wheres the freedom, wheres the comfortability.

I was the same in a similar way. In my experience, me and my ex spoke an app that showed the location of our messages. I would but texting and with every reply I’m going through the location racing with negative thoughts like,  “I don’t think he is his house, why didn’t he tell he is going outside? What’s over there? oh, okay he is home.” I hated feeling like that, I don’t be in relationships to brace myself from getting hurt and cheated on. What will then be the point in ever being in a relationship. I am like this, I am not going to worry myself to death living in this fear if I am being cheated on, I would find out eventually. When I find out I would handle it at the appropriate time in the meantime, let’s enjoy ourselves.  Imagine if two people felt that way, then who will be cheating and who will be getting hurt; If both of the focus is enjoy ourselves and appreciate then whats the worry? what will then still cause the worry? Insecurity.


Towards the end of the relationship there were some many signs that it was time for it to come to a close. Ignored them and didn’t use the issues to used as an excuse to go. I always say theres a way. There is always a way. No problems are unsolvable unless the person within chooses to hold on those issues. In sense a person say, “I will never get over …” Well, then, the person made it a fact and the actions with follow.

He thought I was a very weak individual and if  asked I’m sure he would agree. Because of his lack of confidence in me he thought  I couldn’t handle many situations. For instance, he asked me if i got hit on by other people, I said no, I don’t get him very often. In his truth, I said “No” as not at all ever in my history. The last remembered time I recall was late winter early spring.  So, yeah, it’s a no to me. Long story short, he felt like I was hiding information from him, because he tell me about his hit on, I asked, “well why do you tell me because I don’t care who hits on you unless its a person of mutual who knows where together and chooses to still be disrespectful.” He response was, “So you’ll know how I handle it.” I personally don’t care how its handle if the results are that it doesn’t continue from there then I don’t need to worry! For me that wasn’t the case. I started to now questions his motive behind  his actions.

I thought, ” I thought you told me those things because it was something to say, that it was part of who are which is just say little details like that, maybe you felt flattered and wanted to express it to me. Now I feel like you tell me things just to get things out of me which is in my eyes horrible, like as if you are hunting things from me. Why?”

In the end I started showing him conversations if somebody decided to hit on me or talk to me.  I didn’t like it, I HATED IT! I felt like theres was no need, it was doing way to much, the focus should be on more better things,  I felt like it something extra I had to do on top of many other things. What killed me, was the times when I did I still got penalized for then handling it incorrectly, I was told I lead one on to say “No.” Im sitting highly displeased like, “Even when I show you this conversations I am wronged for not saying specific words, rather then letting me handle it in my own way the end result is still the same and thats all that matters. I am not going to aggressively say, I’m in a relationship if someone wants to compliment me. Not every compliment is someone trying to hit on me.” On top of that, I was sent of  “correct way” on how it suppose to be handled of an old conversation few days prior. My thoughts went, “How is that I am obligated to show you these things on queue and your not doing the same, now its starting to get hypocritical.”  I didn’t have to do these things, I did them because I thought it would make him feel at ease with me and strengthen the bond, but instead he still looked for faults into situation.

It got to the point where I was asking, “Hey, well a friend of mine, who you don’t know invited me over to his house. How would you feel about that?” asking permission basically to go. Which resulted in something along the lines of, “How can you not send me the conversation between you and your friend inviting you over but you show me a conversation about someone asking you out to eat, and Im like,  “Well, because I dont feel like my friend is hitting on me we are just going to hang talk eat, things regular people do.” Of course a load of “what if’s” came about and preferring me going with a group of people, and this person has a history of this and that.
….

I couldn’t deal with all of that anymore, no one out of all these people he felt insecure about ever disrespect me or the relationship and knew I was in a relationship. Everytime I argued against him and said he was wrong in his assumptions, I was “defending them” and i’m not taking into consideration of his words and feelings.  It was a load of crap compared to the amount of time I tried to rid these feelings by write essays of appreciation, buying him things on random, thinking of ideas to do, the list goes on. However that wasn’t what the eyes wanted to see.

People I want you to understand, how it’s important to really look within and see how at times we let our insecurities get the best of us and ruin relationships, and ruin yourself.  In a sense, no matter how many times a person says you are cute, you don’t believe them you will never be. For me, no matter how many times I proven my trust and worthiness, it doesn’t want to be seen its not going to be seen.


I’ll continue this.. later. When everything purges in one scene. “The breakup.”
Read Part 1:The Value

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