Heavy waters.

I took off my shirt and threw it to the side of the bathroom. It fell on the side of the toilet, but I didn’t care. I followed with my pants being pulled down. My brown temple showed it self in the mirror that holds no secrets. I took off my underwear revealing all of my brownskin in different shades. My hair is two weeks outdated from its last haircut. My face sullen with marks of acne and bad dieting. I pushed aside my white sea shelled bath curtains to turn on the knobs and ignite the shower. The terrental rains splattered against the tub. I made my way in. My once dry skin is now moist. My sanctuary fills up with warm steam. I try to let go of the built up emotions, but I failed.  I opened my body scrub with sea salt and essential oils that changed the scenery with its Forrest smell. The essential oils soften my skin to impeccable luxury. I try to embrace the gratitude I felt when my hands raced across my arms and legs with slippery ease. The smell transports me to a get away in brackets of imagination flashes. Vacation away haulted by upsetting thoughts:
   I don’t understand any longer. The fight and the confusion. The paranoia and discomfort. I don’t know if this love is toxic. I don’t know if this is love. Why can’t we be at peace forever with each other. Why must you be so paranoid. Are you afraid I’m going leave? Why not focus on making me happy; making each other happy. I thought everything was fine. I thought we were moving forward. Maybe cause I accepted flattery. Did you accept flattery as well? Have you been perfect all up until now ? Are we not mature enough? I ask of the universe to send me the right answer to show me is this right for me. My insticts are confusing me. I need something definite.
  My face frowned. My head, like a reseviour of water, held stress. I can feel the worry. I can feel the confusion. I can feel the dis-ease. I belted out a loud cry. I dip my head in pouring rain. I hope the warmth of the water will embrace me enough to rid my thought and promote a positive feeling. Instead, it caused me buckle down. I sat in the tub hunched over. I accepted how I felt as now. I didn’t want to accept my thoughts. I didn’t want to no longer feel this discomfort. Still bare in skin I belted out one last time. This wail broke the dam that held my emotions and it poured. I, like the water pelting against my skin, began to weep. I take my hands and placed them on my head as the water falls rapidly. The water curves my hands and my eyes. The water stream seperates on my face making new trails across my eyes, down my nose falling off a cliff to the top of my full lips. The warmer water from inside slowly trickled my cheeks moving at its own pace admist the wild foreign waters. I can taste the salty tears and the fluoride infused water.

I have one last chance in me. If this doesn’t work. I will fully take all responsibility and go for good.

I will try to be vulnerable.

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2 thoughts on “Heavy waters.

  1. A very emotional and raw account, my blogging friend. I feel your confusion and pain. Thank you for sharing this. Much love and naked hugs! 🙂

    Like

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