What Am I To You…

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. -E.Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love,

I paused in mid sentence placing this book down looking up in mid air silenced in my thoughts. “Is this him” I thought for I have expressed many times how I have changed as a person through him. Through us being together. I want him to know I don’t want to hurt him although he may not trust me anymore. I want to say to him. It’s okay you don’t have to worry or be mad or upset or feel like you are any less than number one in my life. I always deep down promoted the need for him to always and for ever feel comfortable with me.

Knowing I’m don’t want to hurt him in anyway. I wanted him to have confidence in me in what ever I do even if it may go against his feelings. We would still be okay. I never wanted us to end up the way we did. I said many things he did not want to hear but to me it was my truth. As the hard to hear, unexplainable, words fueled even more raged in him. As his truth I could not accept but I did understand. We sounded like to people arguing about the sky being blue. One saying the north sky is blue and the other saying the south sky is blue. Two people arguing about the same side of the coin. No anymore right or wrong just experiences that can’t be agreed upon. Every time a finger is pointed it can be flipped and reversed. As if we walked in each others shoes feeling the same way about every situation at hand. Making it hard to equally except another’s feeling without saying..”I felt the same when  this occurred”

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. -Elizabeth Gilbert Eat Pray Love

I wanted him to tell me how I make him feel. That I make him happy. How special I make him feel. I didn’t want to assume or guess. I wanted to know. I wanted to know I was doing the right thing. Emotionally, I had a hard time to understand his emotional standpoint. He not really good in expressing those things. I assume he rather me not know.  This not knowing unconsciously made me reach more and do more, making my actions bigger and louder. Hoping he here’s my yearning for him to tell me…what he feels inside…through some actions I knew. However I wanted to hear or read these words like a vows in marriage.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master – e.gilbert eat pray love.

… Im not perfect as I thought I was. Nor was he as I thought he was. I however take pride in what I have done for him. He is the most stabled person I came in contact since my home friends in 2006. I met him in 2011 and been together ever since. Through that I have  had consistant change in my social life and the moment I lost in contact with him … I realized how much of my days were filled by him. The reason I kept my phone on. The reason to inspire me to explore new places. The reason I left my house. He gave me a reason to be proud of something. A purpose. A meaning. A goal,something to reach for, a craft to perfect. A human experience. He is more than he knows. I want to know how I am to him.

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3 thoughts on “What Am I To You…

  1. My blogging friend, you have captured the essence of Gilbert, the author, in your own words and experience. This composition epitomizes the concept and ideal of the spiritual reality of the soul-mate. Awesome, buddy! Extraordinary journalism! Much love and naked hugs! 🙂

    Like

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