A letter to you

You may never read this. For you may never speak to me again and I wouldn’t know how you would fall upon this without me sending it to you. But I need to clear my conscious

You  don’t know how I handle stuff how I handle my issues and emotions. Just because it doesn’t appear through every action, and I don’t drop dead to every longing issue, does not dismiss or devalues how I feel INSIDE. I can hear the anger of my father one day and go to school the next like nothing ever happened, so don’t you ever dare say how I felt before this was a lie!

It’s very hard on me that you left. Its feels like a major part of me has been gone. Like you we were  just an imaginative state for over a thousand days. Fragments of dreams stuck in limbo and it hurts me.

Did I mean anything to you? How can it be easy of you to just immediately stop speaking to me so instantly? Do you know how this makes me feel. The man I had some many dreams to fill so many memories to make.

Its fucking me up mentally. I wish you could fucking understand. I feel crazy and insane for knowing this imaginary world I built in my head that fueled the things I’ve done for you is….

In my mind I had settled. I built our future to far ahead naively thinking you would never leave. I naively expected you to lift me off my feet and save me from me. When I came to realize no one can save me from me but me. I had blind faith for reasons I do not know.

I love you. I built part of me in this relationship and its taken from me. At least  I would do is small talk. Being friends. I always thought you would be part of my life forever. No matter together or not

My fantasy shattered and I’m forced to face the reality of myself and this ordeal. I feel empty and lost urge to do anything. Don’t pity for i have spent my days at home watching Netflix and going to work.

Your image of me is wrong. You somehow think I would continue in my ever so fulfilled social life and “friends” when you have not yet graps the reality of it. Out of all of my ever changing social experiences YOU were the only thing consistant and I layed part of me in that. That I am not alone. That no matter who comes in and out my life. You would always be there.

I’m still not whom you may think I am. And I am for sure your assumptions of me now, in this absences of us, is wrong.

I am not okay. I am not okay. I haven’t exhaled my emotions just bottled them up I can’t bring myself to release what I feel.

All I want to do is cope while in your arms although I am hurt by you i want to cry. That’s seems like the only way I can move on, since this is what you want.

Its extremely hard writing this. I… I just… Love you.

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4 thoughts on “A letter to you

  1. Very moving. I’ve been meaning to write a letter as well but I’m having difficulty. I know once I start writing much like when I journal, I’ll never be able to stop. My keyboard will either be broken or wet with my own tears

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    • Its extremely difficult and I had a little bit of both of broken keyboards and tears. It took me a long time to write it. I think inside I didn’t want to. Almost like throwing salt on a wound. Well in this case peroxide to heal.

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  2. My blogging friend, I know this composition was difficult for you to write. I admire and respect your confidence, courage and honesty in publishing this. I hope that the process eases the pain you feel and empowers your healing. Much love and naked hugs, buddy. All my best! 🙂

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