Do Titles Do More Bad Then Good?

I’m curious are relationship titles need?
Titles ranging from boyfriends to situationships.
There seems to be a need to have some sort of the identification, is it because of the ego?

I ask this because two years ago and even last year I struggled with the need to have a title in my relationship. I thought it was so important because that what we are taught; You date, then make it official simultaneously getting that title. The struggle came in when I felt like I needed the title to feel complete. The actions of a full relationship was there on both ends, however, during hardships and turmoil and little voice in the back of my head come forth. This voice constantly antagonize me for being in what they called an unofficial relationship.

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I would ask a friend or two about this issue and mostly get responses like, “Nah, after 4 months this means he don’t want you. You are being used. Give him an ultimatum.” I will feel even more insecure. Even though this was far from the truth, a negative mindset will fool you into thinking otherwise. Also, I had this need of wanting more and more to feel complete once again; feeding the ego more and more.  I had the substance, I had enough substance to make others jealous of my relationship. So was the title really necessary. This is not a job.

Somehow, I thought the title was going to complete all that is missing. Why? cause titles comes with expectations. Boyfriends are obligated to do X,Y,Z. Friends are expected to do all of this, and all of that, girlfriends got to act a certain way. This made me question…
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what’s the difference between the honeymoon stage in a relationship to the Post-Honeymoon stage? Looking deep into the actions of a couple and from my experience, there is a level of ease and freedom. During the honeymoon stage you wouldn’t feel obligated to do anything because more than likely there is no title, so your actions become natural, free, and willingly. There is not hard concern about your partners location, and social life then, so why does it have to change later on.
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During the honeymoon stage, the seriousness is way down. couples are to concern with being in each others presence and discovering. For me, there less nagging, less worry and concern although I cared equally. For an example, I realized I was got to conscious on my partners locations all the time. I felt the need to know all the time every minute, if he moved from where I thought he would be and I wasn’t aware I would feel offended.  If his mom don’t have a GPS on him, why should I? During the beginning I didn’t so why start now? In my mind, I reasoned, “well if somebody would to ask me where is he, and I say I don’t know, that would make me look like I didn’t care for him.” But why be so strict and overbearing? The deeper the feelings grow the more fear of getting hurt badly there is, so we act irrational?

So I ask you guys, how do you feel about titles?
Do you feel like it adds obligations and pressure?
Do you feel the need to have it, if so why?
Do you feel its better to have the title and no substance or substance and no title?

One Ear: Pro’s and Con’s

So, I decided to conjure up a list of few pro’s to my con’s of hearing out of one ear.
Pro’s

  1. Riding On NYC Subway Becomes lil’ Easier.
    – Living in NYC you are bombarded and I mean rudely bullied,  and forcefully forced; knife by the neck threatening, to listen to people singing Aztec Civilization songs, street dancers on poles, beggars asking for change! It becomes so unbecoming. Since I hear out of one now I can easily tune of the noise with my headphones. All I can do is plug in and turn up the volume. The outside noise is completely turned off. Before, even with both earphones in the outside noise still seem to seep through. It’s a different experience then if you were to cover one hand with your ear or even ear plugs.
  2. Tune Out Noise.

    –  I live with my brother and at times he likes to be rude and be on the computer while I’m sleeping and type like he stomping on roaches! I can easily turn over on my hearing side to now have complete utter silence within. With conversations if you are too far away, or talking to much, or simply I don’t want to be bothered, I can ignore you and get away with it.


  3. Extra Success

    – People tend to believe, even me at one point, that hearing loss means I am severely handicap. I am not. I am fine. However, when I succeed in something especially in dancing or voguing I feel extra proud! I take pride in beating some one who has two ears and I only have one! …Con’s

  4. Alarm Clock

    So as mentioned before If I choose to absent noise when in bed all i have to do is turn over. Well, this even goes for an alarm clock. If I happened to roll over on my hearing side of the ear I can and have overslept the alarm. I will wake up completely angry like “What the fuck, which jackass did this? Who didn’t hear my alarm clock go off!” When really it’s been me who happen to fall on the hearing side. I haven’t used this as an excuse, yet, for being late to school everyday…notice how I said yet!Conversations Become Harder
  5. So, when surrounded by much noise louder than than the actual person speaking to me I only hear of the loudest noise. Even, lets say at a restaurant and nearby people are talking louder than my conversation I cannot hear. So clubs and events with loud music becomes a major burden to conversations. But I like to talk so I have no problem going through the annoyancePeople Forget
  6. Because I had no problem like this before, my peers tend forget about my hearing. Some people don’t even know and I tend to keep it that way. I feel it may propel people to look at me slightly different. I want no sympathy or any of those handicap treatments. Mostly, people always tend to remind me like “oh yeah you cant hear in one ear” or situation that involves listening to things they be like “Oh, Yeah, I forgot you can’t ear out of which ear again” then they’ll hand me an earphone. It not purposely done, at least I hope, but I don’t want to be reminded cause I tend to forget.

One Ear: The Surgery (part III)

Several Days Later…
I
was set for my first surgery. By this time my infectious disease was cleared to a safe level. So people didn’t have to walk around me with gas masks as prevention. My legs weakened, but I wasn’t aware how fast your legs actually gets week. I was already in a strict bed rest for about four days straight. I was moved for the third time to a room with a roommate. I didn’t like it. I liked the spacious privacy ICU provided. Luckily, I had the bed to the window. This window was my key hope to dream.

I looked at this window and watch the sun walk across the sky with confidence. I saw the overview of the entire Bronx and the Manhattan buildings. I timed when exactly the sun will reach to my window so I can try to gaze and absorbed the light.

I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to go outside when I wanted to.
I never knew what it was like to not have the freedom to choose what I wear.
I lost the freedom to breathe fresh air. I lost the freedom to watch TV.  I lost freedom to be social, to be me. All I did in my days before judgment day was sit in the one bed and watch TV repeat it’s self 3 times a day. I definitely learned that Cable is rip off.

The day of surgery came. I was boarded downstairs in a waiting room as the countdown began. The process went as follows: The doctors, about four of them were going to open the back of my ear and drill a hole. This process is called a mastoidectomy. From scans they found out a large collections of cells in my inner ear which is suppose to be empty for sound to travel. The inferred that was the reason for my chronic infections as it was from birth.

The put me to sleep. I wake up four hours later. groggy, fatigued, and down right numb. The doctor however gave me bad news. They couldn’t get all the cells from out my ear it was so much. It destroyed all the soft bone in my inner ear and also reached in the balance part in my ear. I started to cry immediately.
In my room I spent Halloween there, with some positive thinking I thought well, why not be Vince Van Gough. I mean, like, he had one ear and looked fashionable. Plus, we both shared the same brace over the face. Around this time a few of my family members came. My mother came almost everyday since I been here and a few friends. I was grateful.

I couldn’t hear though out my ear with the brace, Nor could I walk, my stomach was extremely constipated with the constant 24hr antibiotic I was one. This was the horrid of the whole experience. I did not want to walk around with that damn IV machine. I felt like I was way stronger than moving around that 6 foot  four legged metal garbage. I refuse to identify with that thing. With every given chance I tried to unhook myself from it.

The last wave came.  The surgeon came to me a few days later, which is nearing towards my second week there, she told me how I was going to need a second surgery and I need to consent to it. This surgery was going to be even more intense with a life changing cost. I were to completely loose my hearing in order to permanently put this cause to rest. Also, they were going to remove the balance in my ear since it too was eroded away by the devil. I exclaimed in dismay the tragic news. All that I knew instantly when to shambles. I didn’t know how to cope with this. This was the lost my spirit has been broken.

In the same token I grew awareness to those spirits who has been broken like my brother, homeless people, those in catastrophe. It’s a heavy burden greater then yourself that locks your thoughts in a realm of negativity. There is no such thing as light when your spirit is truly broken.

I consented the surgery. I had no choice. I undergo another 4-5 hour surgery.  The day before and day of I heavily recited a mantra Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung.  Meant for healing and safe recovery. I repeated this like my life depended on it which it did. If not, I was told to have to keep getting this surgery for the rest of my life if they cannot get every single cell out! They were not going to make me a profitable thing.

After the surgery I was extremely drowsy even worse then before. The sedation was said to be much heavy and longer than before. All I saw was my mom again and my aunt sitting with me in the recovery room when I woke up. “Son, they were able to remove every single cell from your ear”

I cried again so strong yet still so weak from the sedation. I could barely speak. Happiness marathon across my cheeks before she could even say “ear”. It was such a heart warming feeling to know that all of this was over.
Completely over.
For good.

I figured thought it was me saying that mantra over and over even while I was being put under sleep. I was just glad to put this thing to rest. It took some time to getting used though not being able to hear from the left side. Isn’t much different then hearing out of both. There are some disadvantages, but none like what I thought when I first got the news. I thought I had to change careers .. No more Tv/radio. no more tv personality.

No hearing Aide either, if you saw what robot they had that will be attach to my head. NO MADAME!

One Ear: The Diagnosis (Part II)

“Meningitis,” The young black doctor said to my mom.
My eyes were still closed and face still cringing from the pain.
“Oh, my God, are you serious?” I wailed. I couldn’t believe it! my mind flipped upside down even more. I couldn’t bring to thought how I contracted meningitis. I thought at the time it was only sexually transmitted and having my mother there with that thought was very awkward and embarrassing. I thought what she’d think of me a some loose cannon. I felt like I failed. Still to my conscious it didn’t make since if that was the case. I was in a stabled relationship even though at the moment we called it quits (we always go through that.)

The doctor explained how it wasn’t sexually transmitted because it wasn’t in a viral form but in a bacteria form. My mother elaborated  in my long history of ear infections.
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At a very young age I had chronic ear infections. I was known through my childhood years for having these on going issues with my ear. Since I was little, my pediatrician didn’t think to deeply about the issue. We thought and he thought it was just a child thing I’m going through. Eventually I were to grow out of it. Which technically, I did…or so I thought. In summer 2010 just after my high school graduation I experience yet another ear infection. It was almost weird having to experience the pain all over again after a decade. I had undergo my first surgery which required a tube to drain liquid in my ear. That lead to another discovery that I had skin growing in the back of my hear. They call it Cholesteatoma. Few weeks later, I went under again so the doctor can clear out the mess. That lead to facial paralysis on my left side ( the chronic side). I was hard to eat, drink, talk, and blink. My whole left side was shut down like if I had a stroke. Going to work and school required human interaction which was no extremely difficult. formulating words…there was no such thing. I tried to isolate myself as much as I can from embarrassment. I recovered a three months later after I decided to go on a B-12 regime. I tried every alternative way I can to self medicate myself. I hate drug industries; they want you sick for money.
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The nurse soon came with the morphine to calm down the pain. Finally, I was able to relax with a mild headache. My mother still with my had my vomit filled shoes and clothes as I switch in the gear that stole my identity. I took off my pants, slip into this light blue gown that exposed my backside. I lost the freedom to wear what I want. my right arm slip from beside and they clamped a white band around my arm. My identity changed into a barcode.The nurse held wires with a round sticker on the end that were placed all over my torso. I lost the freedom to walk. She took my temperature, that read 104 degrees, monitored my blood pressure and heart rate.

More doctors came in. I say about for of them, three males and one female. The all stood erect with white jackets and mask covering their mouths. They encourage my mother to get one immediately since what I have is contracted airborne. I’m registered unsafe to the public now. They ask for me name which no longer mattered.

“Hey dontae, I’m…” I forgot their names I’ve met to many doctors. “We are from the infectious disease department and we are here to tell you, you have meningitis which we believe could have been from you ear infections, can you tell us what happened?” And, so I did with grief. One doctor had a plastic shield covering his entire face. Like the ones police use to protect theirs…yeah! I couldn’t have felt so alienated from other as I had felt at that time. I was reduced to a new identity. A potentially harmful one. I hated it. Later, I was now being transported into another room. Solitary confinement.

It had to be already 3 hours into the early morning, I couldn’t tell because I had no phone for it died as soon I got home. my mother decided to leave because it was late. I wanted her to come back with my charger because I had not tell my friends or anybody that I am home. I couldn’t reach my dad; he’s another story, or my friends to tell them that I had made it home, but now unexpectedly in the hospital, or even tell my dear love “look I know we on bad terms right now however, I need you.”

As soon as my mother left me, the minute she closed the door behind here I was alone. The nurses didn’t help me as they should nor were they even attentive to me. The machine I was hooked up on produced a intensely loud ringing alarm indicating my rates were below average. In other words, I couldn’t tell whether it was saying my breathing was dying, heart racing, my life line is to low. I didn’t understand all I know was I needed help. They button to call the nurses over was broken. Now how can I reach someone when I’m locked in a room alone? I’m looking through a window seeing nurses after nurses moving about talking and not one of them see’s me waving? The noise grew even louder, my goodness It resembled an alarm clock that would not snooze! it felt like hours on end.

I never experienced the moment of now since until being that room. I had no time and I had lost the track of time since I got to the hospital. The loud alarm caused me to tear rapidly. I bawled out. My headache started to grew while I’m left strapped to a bed hooked with wires. I’m yelling help louder and louder but my voice is competing with a machine. I started waving aggressively at he small window at the door.
I managed to get three nurses and not one of them helped me. They all said, “I’ll get your nurses for you.” All I wanted was them to stop the noise and give an Advil or something for this headache. I was hungry too! That one nurse came in gleefully, I guess to brighten my spirits, explaining how someone else is really sick and much other redundant information. I could care any less! I could have caught a heart attack or something and no one would have noticed me. That how deserted I was. I am not exaggerating this either. . . .

Another doctor came in again asking the same dumb questions, “What happened?” “You have this…we’re going to do that.” He looked in the chronic ear and gave me a new discovery.
He said,”It looked like part of the brain fell behind your eardrum.”

One Ear: I Thought It Was A Headache.

It’s been almost six months since I was unexpectedly force to turn a new leaf.
I lost my hearing in my left ear. I can’t hear. It closed like a store going out of business.
Here is what happened…
I’m a survivor.

We heard this saying many times before, “You can be hear today and gone tomorrow.” Boy, did this prophetic saying consume me on Friday, October 25th 2013.  It was a normal cold day for me before New York endured a brutal winter. I had just finished my class. Friday ended another dramatic week between my soul mate and I. Still regurgitating my mix feelings from that I decided to a Vogue competition to pay homage for those who had died the past year. I got there late however, because of my class. Me and many other late comers were stranded cold outside H.M.I.

It was very funny because, we were trying so hard to go to a place that was over capacity instead of just giving up and going home. People called others to sneak them in, others used their political powers, some made it in others including me didn’t. One of my haus members said on 14th Street in a center there held another “function.” So the leftovers decided “hey why not.” So we all walked from Astor place to 13 St. which is roughly a 20 minute walk.

There, I competed against others that participated in this underground culture. Surprisingly, I got my first win. After countless of failed battles I finally won! I was excited to win a 25 dollars best buy gift card. (which I still haven’t used yet, I just don’t know what to buy from there.)  This was definitely inspiring to compete in a more major competition involving 500$ for the winner, in little over a month.  I celebrated my victory in BBQ’s with a few others drinking and eating, feeling like an outcast, but still being around people was fun.

I‘m on the 6 train heading home. Randomly, a small pain in the back of my neck appeared. I thought it was my du-rag that was on my head was too tight. So, I loosen the head wrap.

Ten minutes pass and the pain literally traced the back of my head to the other side of my ear, from left to right. I then thought, okay, well it’s just a headache from the McDonald I ate earlier. Maybe, I’d just ate and danced too soon.

Twenty minutes passed
Now, I thought I am just experiencing a migraine as the pain intensified quickly! The pain got so intense that I couldn’t even walk to the bus stop with out stopping every two steps. I would walk with my right hand over my right eye, my left head was massaging the back of my neck. It was night by this time, so I could have just looked in distress or suffering a headache.

This wasn’t a regular headache though. My neck bolting and throbbing constantly in agony, I knew something was up. I aboard sitting right at the front of the bus. There I squirmed, panted, and convulse slightly rushing to get home on the bus. My eyes weighed a ton. The lights around me felt like needles piercing my eyes. The stiffness grew extremely tight to where I couldn’t pull my head back without increasing the the pain already there. Breathing became painful as letting too much oxygen hurt my brain.

When I got off the bus It took me ten minutes to walk home when it would only take three. I would stop mid walk about to wail in pain so high. I wanted to pick up the phone and call my mom downstairs to save me. This crisis whipped me so quickly in a matter of minutes. Trembling, I take out my keys for the lobby door. I took out my keys for my apartment door. I still was in so much pain. I thought, well let me just make some tea, maybe with some tea and a hot shower this headache would simmer.

I grab a pot. Filled it with water. Then, I went to the bathroom looking in the mirror I’m greeted with a face of despair. I grab the ibuprofen. I sit in my foyer squirming again. I’m kicking and panting. The throbbing. The bolts of pain. I grew cold and I said that’s enough. I can’t walk. I desperately was in need for my mom as she was peacefully sleeping. I awake her violently with my cry for help. she jumps out the bed as a mother would saying, “What, Dontae, what is wrong?”

Mom, I have to go to the hospital I can’t walk my head hurts so bad and it’s so stiff.”  Still, I wish I can start crying to some how release the emotions built up. All I can do is put on my shoes. My body was attacking me from the inside and I had to fight against it to mobilize myself. We jumped in the car. My mother questions me about what may have caused this. All I can say was I don’t know!

She grunts and tries to drive at a reasonable fast speed. Its midnight now. We arrived at the emergency room still excruciating and trembling. The distortion of my face prompt the nurses to ready me first for the doctor. As they taking my blood pressure and temperature I scream for them to hurry up and solve this issue. My mom worried immensely argues with the nurses to find a doctor quick. The workers, I hear them. They are trying to calm my mother as she starts to become uneasy.

I purge all the food I had that day. The McDonald’s, the liquor, the chicken from BBQ’s. I even saw a spot of white digested in the mix. The ibuprofen never reached my blood stream. The nurses panic and rushed me to a bed giving me a blue bag to purge into. Eventually, I got stabilized in the emergency room.

I‘m placed in a bed. I’m kicking, screaming, yelling, fidgeting, fussing in the covers. I finally started to cry in agony. I cry out for my mother hurry her to get the doctor. I cry out for my mother to hold my hand. She was my only God at the moment. Breathing too deeply caused immense pressure to the back of my head. Lifting my head up, to the left and right caused immense pressure to the back of my head. There was no escaping the pain…unless I don’t think, just still and bite the bullet.

Hours upon hours I sit in a pool of distraught. The doctor still never came. Eventually…he did.
In tears, describe to the all the situations I am going through and what I feel like. He delivered a few choice words saying how he is going to do a spinal tap. This a process in which they draw liquid from your spine to test for white blood cell count.

I ball up in a fetal position. He explains the process once more. If I move to much I can paralyze myself as it only take a wrong tap into a neuron.

A minute later he says, “Yeah, It is what I thought it would be. The liquid is extremely cloudy indicating a massive infection. I think you have…”

LOST

I am lost like never before.
I am confused like never before.

I am uncertain.
I am not content.

. . . .

The freezing wings marathon across my eye lids lifting the tears off my eye ducts.
Self induced tears.
Words in liquid state.
. . . .

Walking to this bus stop in so much pain and anger. Two hours early the alarm rings off at 8:45am walking me up from a sleep that was not long and deep, but rather short intervals, many in an hour. The sleep being a result from going to bed at 1:00am concluding a day drenched in uncertainty  and confusion. That day Wednesday was unprofessional. I strive in distress to make it to class on time. I got there late and quit. I hate school  education institutions called college. To work afterwards is too much, too demanding from be being free and simple.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m so confused.

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I Wouldn’t be a blogger if I didn’t speak about LOVE!

I think what I needed was a break. Just seperate for a a while to have the pressure of being in a relationship of my mind for a moment. That’s where I am at right now.

I found my soulmate at 18 years young. I am now of 21 years. Three years for the first time in exsistence I put myself into someone else incompletely. The reason I say Incomplete is because, I wasnt complete in myself; I am still not. These past years I never have been disciplined, matured, and explored myself ever so rapidly. I was understanding without knowing what is was like to be human and experience emotion.

I wasnt a cold hearted bitch before this. I had little knowledge about the deep manifestation of feelings so strong for a stranger. I expierenced that euphoric high that songs sing about all the time. In the same token I never knew the effects on how far you can ignore yourself when so into someone else. This is was one of my many, many conflicts.

untitled90% of my thoughts were shared amongst him. For instance, he would be put into factor when I go shopping, hang with friends, Phone conversations, what I wear,  were I go. And no, he wasnt a strict bearing guy either,  it was just what it was. Most of my thoughts consist of what he like, what places we can go, things to do…

From me ignoring my needs it caused me to ask from him much more. Frequently I’ll have my downward spiral of exuashtion mostly mental. This probably why parents go away from their children for more mental reasons then physical. The constant clash and disharmony effect all areas on my life. As I break up my life into 4 components: Work/school life, home life, Love life, social life. My love was the most important since my energy mostly went to that. So a bad argument can cause a major inbalance in all other areas.

I think my nature which is usually with the winds cause me to do things on the whim with no direct reason. I know this blew crazy to his firey direct  nature. Trust me the results combust colofully

To draw this full circle I needed that break. I need to reset my button or start over like if we reached the pinnacle of over relationship. Metaphorically, like death and rebirth. I honestly there is no one out there like him. Very rarely you come across someone that appeals to you wholesomely. Who punches you in the arm playfully as a public sign of affection, as a morse code? Who draws fictional Pokemon charcters from the old seasons? He doesnt smoke or drink, I hate smoking habits and alcoholics bother me. Who’s birthday matches my Initials D.L. In the alphabet?

Through my struggling self identity and cold feet approaching three years caused us to clash almost a month ago. This absence making my heart grow fonder and happier as I anticipate the day I see him again. The day I feel like a little boy on christmas Day.

I learned that each relationship is different. Almost like art creative in its own right. Couples should embrace their individuality as couple compared to others. Following these rule books and templates on how we are suppose to act and do, does not work everybody IF anybody! no couple is more right or better as an individual is not. So embrace your own dynamic with your lover. Do whats best for y’all not the image of Hollywood.

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