I Got To Dance With The Stars

Fergalicious!

Fergalicious!

 It was a joyous night day! It began  that crisp Wednesday morning after a that cold Tuesday night of preparation. The weekend prior was a swell one as I dance on the floor in BB Kings performing for many individuals. Competing with other performers as they elude their creativity under the spots lights and flat wooded floor. The floor glistened reflecting the light that bounced around the arena revealing the sweat that measured the heavy yearning to win. That Wednesday morning when I opened my eyes and breathe in the gratitude of a new day and same sun I quickly gathered my outfit as I knew the big day was today.
I was told to meet up with my group at 1 pm in Noho, Manhattan, but because the color of my skin also came with it the program to be always late to everything. I arrived late. Fashionably late I must say. I pulled out my best button front shirt and suede burgundy sweater  to meet my peers at 2:00pm I thought, “Well, at least we don’t have to be at the place until 2:30 for sound check, so technically I’m still on time.” I didn’t get any heat from anybody, thank goodness. When time signaled us to leave we all got into the elevator. I looked around  and saw my program director dress down locked into his phone, appearing as the dance manager he will be for the night. We jumped on the 6 train to wall street to Cipriani Ballroom. We came from underground right beside Trinity Church, which by the way has an historical graveyard site filled with deceased congressmen from the 18th century; which also an area filled with deceased slaves as New York City once held the second largest amount of slave population. Lower Manhattan being the trading grounds–back to the story–So, anyways.

I walked through the turning doors into a wall that titled “Legendary Night.” It was a small wall with light at the bottom that contoured the darkness around the words. Took a deep breathe and smiled unaware of the entire room its self. The hall was huge! It was filled with elegant tables of thirty or more. The ballroom was filled with purple lavender and blue lights that melted into each other into this Omni color of royalty . Each table with small plates and properly placed glasses. Each chair contained a bag from Ernio Laszlo. The feeling of warmth and grandeur filled me like a fountain of youth. I walked into the dressing room upstairs with the rest of my teammates happy.  We were greeted with subway sandwiches and a classic Coke glass bottles, the kind you need to use a bottle opener for. So I did exactly what the universe told me to do…I took advantage. I had at least four sandwich’s and two coke bottles that knocked me into a nap for a good hour before the show.

A friend of mine and I sat down at one of the tables during the start of the Award ceremony. No other was with us, that we knew. We sat with that looked like wealthy people with blinding white teeth that added to the spotlights around the room! Both of us in awe looked at the menu with words we couldn’t even pronounce. Oh, and don’t get me started on the flaky, juicy, airy yet tender goodness of favorable tasting genius that with one bite hugged your tongue into a blissful orgasmic state of heightened euphoric sense of tantalizing sensation [ a moment to breathe] of their croissants. It was as I just described to be…HEAVEN! On top of feeling like I worth a million bucks and more because I knew which fork and spoon was for what and which glass was used for. I belonged with the rest of them. One of the guys even complimented my shirt. So, yeah, I felt grand. I had every right to be. I was about to perform and dance on stage with two stars!

Yeah.

So long story short, After me and my team rocked the staged we had to star for the after party where “Danced the night away” as J-Lo would say to Fergie’s new single “L.A Love.”  It had to be one of many best experiences of my life.  Especially the moment when her and Kelly Osburne was like… “C’mon lets take a selfie” and so we did.  I look sweaty and a tad bit to cheesy compared to the rest of them. I was still jamming on the same stage with them so I have every excuse.

Someone may say, well its just Fergie, but I still absorbed every royal moment with appreciation.  Simply because if she had a concert the tickets would be so much money to be as close I was to the both of them…for FREE!

Her video is below, I thought I post it just to make this post look fuller I suppose. Well Next up on this blog …The Art of Allowing: Are You Allowing Yourself To Be Loved?

How Much Do I Care About This Social Life of Mine?

 There’s Introverts, extroverts, anti-socials, Social lite, Facebook-ers, Tumblers’, then there’s me.

BLAH!

I am not blah, but I definitely took a major sigh like the one you took yesterday when you ran into traffic, or when you were squished on the 2 train during rush hour, or when your child spilled food today.I sighed–not so dramatically–only because, okay well, it’s not a difficult topic in my life, but I’m trying now to stabilize it. Here’s what I mean:

When it came to my social life growing up, I guess you can the people around me were stabled. Predominately only being surround by school friends, they served as my stability to about roughly 6th-7th grade. I always wanted that one best friend growing up but I never really did, well, I had one who lived below me but he wasn’t part of my “school friends” clique so when about outside people thought he was socially awkward. Maybe It’s me, but as a kid you can be anybody’s best friend. Eventually, we ended up grow apart. I believed merely because I started to become engaged with more and more people in school and found a “clique” to be in. By this time, around the 6th-7th grade period, I guess you can say I was alone. Walking to and from school I did by myself and only associated with people while at school. As for weekends were filled with many things like sleeping at my cousins house or playing video games. I became a homebody. Summers I stayed in all the time until my mother kicked me out to get some fresh air. I didn’t know whom to call downstairs or what to do. Going to the “big park” became deserted. My social life as a kid were heavily based on school and summer camps. The people in these areas never intertwined. So, I, without notice became used to inconsistency.

It wasn’t until late 7th grade, early eighth grade I found a strong clique that fulfilled me in so many areas. I tasted the sweetness in strong bonds and stability amongst my peers that accepted me.  It was a group of outcast so to speak, you had one nerd, one punk, one religious freak, one gay, one slut, one jock, and two “extras.” Extras meaning a friend of another that just happened to be around and melted in the pot with the rest. We had immense amount of memories that I would forever take with me. They solidified what I call “Home friends” simply from having so many experiences in such a short time. We spent every season almost everyday hanging together as a group in the library afterschool doing everything. From gossip to homework to be banned from the library we went through it all together, Truth or Dares, sleepovers and fights, the list goes on.

Things changed however. At least with me.

Around the time of high school that following year, it was like rebirth. I was stripped of all I knew two months prior. This huge high school and I barely knew anybody. I knew no one honestly. I didn’t feel like “coming out” again and finding my nitch that I knew all too well. Going to the library became dry and almost redundant for we didn’t arrive at the same time. all of us in different schools meant going home at different times. I was the only one who didn’t travel outside the community for school. eventually, we ended up becoming friends with newer people. Or maybe it was just me. See, very early into my high school year I started dancing and became absorbed and exposed to much more than I can bargain for. The dance I joined was filled with seniors that, if you say, whipped my maturity into shape. I finally, did joined a hobby that I loved dearly. This group of new people took me upstate to dance and all around NYC. At only 15, a boy who didn’t know much outside his community was exposed to so much. Dating became prevalent and solidifying my sexuality and more made up 2008. I felt like, my home friends were still in this immature bracket. I felt like this, “My new friends are better for they are doing so many new things and I am experiencing so much and doing many new fun exciting things. So it’s not that I don’t want to hang out with you guys, but I’m traveling to places and you guys are still playing truth or dare.” So I distance myself from them, gradually, and not from a direct conscious choice. As for the times I did, I would be like, “I want hang with my dance team.”  I became M.I.A to them.

A point came to when the dance team I was with that shaped my teenage years I moved on from them too. I wanted to in a sense be around more people like me, I wanted to gay friends and learn about what is was to be that. I didn’t want to feel like the token gay kid…that was very boring. So I left that group, joined another, that group closed, and joined another. Over the span of the four years rapid changes were constant. Every year was almost drastically different from the rest. This resulted me to become okay and fine with people coming and going and loosing connections with people as time went on. I built a mentality to keep in touch with those are presently around me. So, If I changed dance groups then the connections of the people in the previous group will be diminishing or just lost.  I didn’t find it important to stabilize anybody. I felt what ever I’m going through is so much in a disconnect to “old friends” it made no sense to even communicate with them constantly as once before.
In other words, the bonds that connected me to many people were severed once I changed into a new endeavor. Conversation diminished from not being around and things being ” you have to be there to know” or “So much to catch you up on” or explaining un-relatable experiences, it all just became like so much effort to me.
There came a time right after high school (2010) that I was removed from all groups of friends from the past. My home friends, my school friends, my dance friends all came to a halt. I realize entering college I had to repeat the same situation I went through in 2007. I didn’t want to. I didn’t make friends at school and working on weekends made it even harder.
All I was really was left with was myself for a good year. Most of my social life were based off Facebook.

Two social groups or standpoints after that fell apart two in about two years afterwards the only that that remained the same was my relationship. As I started a new endeavor I wanted to make due with the people in this new hobby but realized I couldn’t it was toxic to do so. The people I couldn’t relate to at all outside of my hobby so it hindered my building relationships with people. I just accepted it as this is who I am and I am not just built for clique because my life pulls me from it often. I had the ability to blend and form myself into cliques if I choose too but not enough will power to sustain. It wasn’t until recently after some readings and self reflection, and my significant other I decided it not too late to still rekindle with specific people and strengthen my bond with them. I have the lovely power of choice to choose whom I can keep close and sustain with.  I know the type of people I can bond with effortlessly and the old friends who will effortlessly welcome me back into their lives. Why? well, because although changes happened in my life so drastically, bridges were never broken in the process.

It got to the point where if someone  want to befriend me I would keep them at a very far distance to prevent the scenarios repeating itself. I would be say,” well I’m inconsistent so you’re going to have to accept that and deal with it.” It wasn’t the fear of getting to close, it was the obligation that comes with cliques and best friend titles that I didn’t want to live up too. I wanted to hang out with whom ever and not feel like I’m betraying which rarely happens, however, I am homebody also which played in part when some of my peers wanted to go out every weekend. It wasn’t me, plus, I didn’t have the money, and I live in a far place in NYC. So, Late night travels after clubs aren’t fun…especially waiting for a 20 minute bus in -1 degree weather.

although I may have liked the idea of being mysterious and the ability to be a social butterfly if I choose, consistency is still relatively important. I can still live my life and remain stabled with friends who aren’t doing the exact same thing. I like the fact I can pick and choose from various points of my life of people I want to befriend with and make my own circle of friends without being a circle of friends. It’s like wearing different labels at once and not feeling like I have to by all my clothes from one store. The freedom in that is amazing!

So inspired by my significant other need for some stability in my social life, with other added experiences and new wants in my life I am making steps currently in strengthening bonds with people that comes effortlessly. Well, that all so far my self reflection

NEXT UP: I got the chance to dance with FERGIE and KELLY OSBURNE !

Ever Critically Analyzed Your Relationship? Well, Here’s mine of Four Years. Part 2: The Insecurity.

Read Part 1: The Value

   You have it, she experienced it, he said it, they provoked it. We all have these doubts and not-so-good thoughts that takes away from our image. By definition is means lack of confidence. Confidence comes from within, so fixing and deal with insecurities starts with the self first. One does not fully control on anothers confidence. Generally, no one should have any control over your confidence, or at least lowering them. We also have no reason to lower our own confidence, but we do anyways. Now, what I’m not saying is that its bad to have these feelings. What I am going to explain is how it played a role in my relationship. Like many things, we don’t realize how much power we have over our thoughts and emotions. Many have no clue of how much of a choice we have over almost every aspect of out lives. I will explain how at times we feel insecure within ourselves and implement them into our relationships expecting our significant other to be responsible to fix them. We have to start taking responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and feelings first before we can solve them.

Through my experience I hope other grasp the context of what I am saying, of course my thoughts of the moment of  each experience will be bolded and italic. I do hope to all that reads try to relate this to your own experiences. I hopefully help in some way shape of form.

                                                                                                                          …

Thought’s like, ” In my past relationship I went through this, this, and that. He/She made me feel like this, that and above, and its up to you as a boyfriend or girlfriend  to make me feel the opposite and make my get over the past and be my savior. In order to do fix you must do that and that, and I expect you to do this and that and more.” This is common script right? Do you think this method have or will work?

For example, I know a person who in a relationship and shares facebook passwords. This is a common script to avoid issues and show from one to another that “We trust, each other” and there “Nothing to hide,”  because I am just open to you.  First off , you already coming into the relationship with a prenup. But to continue, my friend would everyday check the boyfriends inbox looking and reading and finding. Almost like everyday is a test passed. There’s no need for all of that. Do you see how the sharing of passwords does not permanently fix the issue but rather just adds fuel to her insecurity.  Let her read a basic message and interpret it with her insecurity to then bomb her boyfriends with thousands of questions…who wants to go through that. As for my friend who wants to feel that feeling of negativeness sitting in your heart while your in this panic. Where’s the ease, wheres the freedom, wheres the comfortability.

I was the same in a similar way. In my experience, me and my ex spoke an app that showed the location of our messages. I would but texting and with every reply I’m going through the location racing with negative thoughts like,  “I don’t think he is his house, why didn’t he tell he is going outside? What’s over there? oh, okay he is home.” I hated feeling like that, I don’t be in relationships to brace myself from getting hurt and cheated on. What will then be the point in ever being in a relationship. I am like this, I am not going to worry myself to death living in this fear if I am being cheated on, I would find out eventually. When I find out I would handle it at the appropriate time in the meantime, let’s enjoy ourselves.  Imagine if two people felt that way, then who will be cheating and who will be getting hurt; If both of the focus is enjoy ourselves and appreciate then whats the worry? what will then still cause the worry? Insecurity.


Towards the end of the relationship there were some many signs that it was time for it to come to a close. Ignored them and didn’t use the issues to used as an excuse to go. I always say theres a way. There is always a way. No problems are unsolvable unless the person within chooses to hold on those issues. In sense a person say, “I will never get over …” Well, then, the person made it a fact and the actions with follow.

He thought I was a very weak individual and if  asked I’m sure he would agree. Because of his lack of confidence in me he thought  I couldn’t handle many situations. For instance, he asked me if i got hit on by other people, I said no, I don’t get him very often. In his truth, I said “No” as not at all ever in my history. The last remembered time I recall was late winter early spring.  So, yeah, it’s a no to me. Long story short, he felt like I was hiding information from him, because he tell me about his hit on, I asked, “well why do you tell me because I don’t care who hits on you unless its a person of mutual who knows where together and chooses to still be disrespectful.” He response was, “So you’ll know how I handle it.” I personally don’t care how its handle if the results are that it doesn’t continue from there then I don’t need to worry! For me that wasn’t the case. I started to now questions his motive behind  his actions.

I thought, ” I thought you told me those things because it was something to say, that it was part of who are which is just say little details like that, maybe you felt flattered and wanted to express it to me. Now I feel like you tell me things just to get things out of me which is in my eyes horrible, like as if you are hunting things from me. Why?”

In the end I started showing him conversations if somebody decided to hit on me or talk to me.  I didn’t like it, I HATED IT! I felt like theres was no need, it was doing way to much, the focus should be on more better things,  I felt like it something extra I had to do on top of many other things. What killed me, was the times when I did I still got penalized for then handling it incorrectly, I was told I lead one on to say “No.” Im sitting highly displeased like, “Even when I show you this conversations I am wronged for not saying specific words, rather then letting me handle it in my own way the end result is still the same and thats all that matters. I am not going to aggressively say, I’m in a relationship if someone wants to compliment me. Not every compliment is someone trying to hit on me.” On top of that, I was sent of  “correct way” on how it suppose to be handled of an old conversation few days prior. My thoughts went, “How is that I am obligated to show you these things on queue and your not doing the same, now its starting to get hypocritical.”  I didn’t have to do these things, I did them because I thought it would make him feel at ease with me and strengthen the bond, but instead he still looked for faults into situation.

It got to the point where I was asking, “Hey, well a friend of mine, who you don’t know invited me over to his house. How would you feel about that?” asking permission basically to go. Which resulted in something along the lines of, “How can you not send me the conversation between you and your friend inviting you over but you show me a conversation about someone asking you out to eat, and Im like,  “Well, because I dont feel like my friend is hitting on me we are just going to hang talk eat, things regular people do.” Of course a load of “what if’s” came about and preferring me going with a group of people, and this person has a history of this and that.
….

I couldn’t deal with all of that anymore, no one out of all these people he felt insecure about ever disrespect me or the relationship and knew I was in a relationship. Everytime I argued against him and said he was wrong in his assumptions, I was “defending them” and i’m not taking into consideration of his words and feelings.  It was a load of crap compared to the amount of time I tried to rid these feelings by write essays of appreciation, buying him things on random, thinking of ideas to do, the list goes on. However that wasn’t what the eyes wanted to see.

People I want you to understand, how it’s important to really look within and see how at times we let our insecurities get the best of us and ruin relationships, and ruin yourself.  In a sense, no matter how many times a person says you are cute, you don’t believe them you will never be. For me, no matter how many times I proven my trust and worthiness, it doesn’t want to be seen its not going to be seen.


I’ll continue this.. later. When everything purges in one scene. “The breakup.”
Read Part 1:The Value

Dontae (noun): ….

mesardonicmesarcastic:

Yes, So I found a way to re-blog my post! I thought I’d share one my Hit blogs

Originally posted on Me Sardonic, Me Sarcastic:

Dontae(noun): [Blank]
When someone tries to ask me who am I, I try my hardest to be as brief as possible. Honestly, I would want to say nothing at all. Why? Because, saying nothing at all when asked that question is the ultimate freedom for me, but an extreme puzzle for another. I used to feel so guilty for myself and really be in this state of trance trying to describe myself. I felt as if i didn’t know myself. During the era of Myspace the “about me” section was so difficult! Any about me section for that matter.

Why do you have to give definition to your self’s instead of just being? Being in the moment and excepting who is front of you as they are. Do you know what I think happens as soon as someone gives definition to themselves? they start to label themselves. First impression…

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Ever Critically Analyzed Your Relationship? Well, Here’s Mine of Four Years. Part 1: The Value

We have been together for nearly three years going on four. Which has been the most trans-formative experience to my personal growth. Ever! I’m only twenty-two getting out of his first long term relationship. With a clear insight to who I am, I’m growing into a person that is in search for deeper understanding of all things. When I realize through life experience how everything is well constructed into each other, feeding off each other, evolving out of each other, there was always a “Why” behind everything. Understanding Why lessen the reason to pass judgement towards anything. As, you wouldn’t pass judgement on to yourself because only you know where you came from and why you choose the choices you did. As one get’s deeper into themselves they may even uncover  the unconscious choices too! At the start of 18 years of age part of my life has been the search for a deeper sense of me, that I was beyond my skin color, sex, sexuality, and tradition. That I didn’t have to be bonded by negative thoughts and emotions and act irrational and call it “Normal.” While reading self-help books like “The power of the Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and other amazing authors like Napoleon Hill, Elizabeth Gilbert, and more I widened my perspective with so many things that elevated me beyond the normal thought patterns. I am intrigued about the understand of self, The understanding of self ego and how it plays out through you relationships with people. I am intrigued by the understand of Love unconditionally in full condition. Which means the absence of passing judgment and insecurities and trying to make your partner fit into this idealism of what you want them to be. Aren’t we all guilty of that.

So I’m here to tell a story of four years. I’m telling it through my eyes. Its not a story from a broken heart. I’m not broken.  A disclaimer though there will be some tooting of my own horns through my confidence because I am proud of myself. Here I hope my thoughts that I am no longer tied to or  identify with be relatable to you and see part of my thought process.

Here it is…welcome in.

                     My idea of relationship is very simple. Memories. Being with someone you love should be an ease as breathing where the importance of the relationship is the strengthening of a bond. A bond that was filled with memories and conversations that allows you to dig deeper and understand why a person is they way they are and love them all the way through. I am the type of person who wants to experience new things and adventures with my partner. The thirst for interesting life experiences that sets us aside  from other what I call “average” relationships, that is predominately filled with  the next argument, movies dates, and going to work. Within the four years of being with him I tried my best to instill new adventures that hold close dear to my heart. With it came the thought of, “Am I the only one bringing new experiences into the relationship?
The person I was with, which I knew from the jump, was a person that had a tunnel vision for one goal in life. I loved that about him, it was the opposite counterpart to who I am. As I was still developing who am I. I came into this relationship at 18 wanting to be a weatherman, to let go of the relationship being a writer and a radio host. Because of this, I didn’t accept that striving for a long life goal means you couldn’t input in other area’s of relationship. I saw it as this, If I can go to work, go to school full time,  balance my hobby, and still manage you express my love and time for you, think of future dates…he can do the same. As in my perspective, all he really had to manage was me and his training days. His work days were never a much of a determining factor in my relationship with him. Because of this again, I didn’t want to just accept the bare minimum. I also did not like the feeling of being the anchor of the relationship, unless I’m consistently being shown or told of my value to him. In other words, I didn’t mind holding the relationship down, but a simple thank you or a random form of appreciation would mean a lot. It would say to me, “I know I am not doing all that I can because I am focused elsewhere, but I still see and admire your effort to keep in tact.” I wasn’t sure of my value to him, maybe that was part of my insecurity. A strong maybe.

I did struggle greatly in understanding my value to him. I knew, but you don’t want to just know and that be the final action of just knowing, you want experience it. I want to see it, read it, taste it, feel it, and more. I didn’t want just knowing to be  all I have, because my thought would then say, “How do I know he values me in what way do I have proof?” Then the distress came from looking in my room seeing nothing and having nothing as proof, on top of as previously stated, the feeling getting just the bare minimum. For an example, you don’t want to know your mother just loves you. You want to experience it so you can feel it. Feeling it beats any materialistic proof. The answer than came to me and it struck a major cord. I realized that my value to him was measured based upon answering text messages first, answering my calls first, and top position on Facebook. When I gathered all this I was upset because I was belittled for not equating those same ways.

        So my thought went as follows,
Who am I to judge how to express your love to someone. I am honored to be the top position on Facebook because it does mean we speak most compared to anybody else, I honor you value the urgency to respond to me first before any other text messages or calls. But I would never knew any of these priorities First hand. These are things that only one person can witness and that’s you!”

For an example, In my phone he was titled “My Everything” and  “Lover boy” with my favorite picture of him. When I found out It wasn’t the same, I didn’t think any less of him. I didn’t make it a big deal because that was MY personal expression of my love for him in my way. What he valued me on was based off his own personal expression that I cannot experience. I took it as that is his only way to show gratitude and appreciation, therefore he expects me to also have the same exact criteria. Yes, small things do count; everything counts. Does that mean its small enough to where another person cant see, hear, and feel it. Instead after every great way of me expressing gratitude and love came with it a bomb of disappoints for not always keeping aboard with his list of expectations that stemmed from how he solely handles things. Almost like in a religious way; Its only way which is my way and any other way no matter if the results are the same is then wrong. All efforts or consideration is not good enough. If It wasn’t a bomb of disappointments it was in some way shape or form me falling short of something.

To the point I would sit and think,
You are so concerned about my actions and what test of yours I’m going to pass or what expectation I’m  going to succeed that you are forgetting what you actually put into the relationship.  To busy not looking at the bigger picture of who is in front of you and what has done and still be willing to do. I’m being take granted for he must not realize how much I put up with and pick up what he “cannot do” for I respect his life goal. I made it to easy for him, if he was confident in what he put in he wouldn’t have to worry about what friend I’m around, who hit on me and how it was handled.

             If I didn’t meet these things, It was my responsibility to fix them, because “I am the reason he feel this way” and I have yet found the best possible solution to fix. I am the full reason behind every disappointment. Instead of taking responsibility ones own insecurity.  Eventually, it became well maybe he’s right. I guess it’s something I have to prove to him on and work within myself on top of holding the relationship. To busy trying to give, and make sure he is not disappointed, I never sat back watched what I am actually receiving from him. What happens when I stop being blind and really look at what I am getting in return.

And the critical thinking begins….
Now…

In part 2…hehe!

We Are All The Same

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We are all the same and I never really the grasp the essence and soundness until just now.

We are different versions of each other

When this thought came it came with so much clarity and truth. My truth. When I say different versions of each other I mean down to the single point of a tree or bee. The air the water the dog and cats.

If you believe what ever religion or practice the belief that all comes from one source it can sound a bit like tree hugging theories, but understand it as I am as this:

Let’s say you have one model of a human or better yet. You create an iPhone. You decided you want a different one of the same components but different. So you make iPhone 2. iPhone 2 is different yet the same in a sense that it looks the same, It acts the same, the feature of the new phone is better yet still can connect to the first iPhone. iPhone 6 is a different version of the iPhone 5 as the 4 and so on. Basically the whole line of the phone comes from one source yet they are different functional versions

This sums up my what I mean. I understand this so much

If you apply that to humans as a whole you can see the same relation. That a  tree is the same as you but a different version of you which can explain how you and a tree are co-dependent. We taken in oxygen that a tree release and they breathe in the air we release to turn it to food and oxygen that we need. The cycle continues.

If you love yourself enough and see that everything is a different version of you, you began to have a higher sense of appreciation.

A bee is a different version of you. So are the birds, even down to the clouds is not much different. Its made with water you we need water in us already so do many other beings.

Now how close we are in relation to these versions of us varies like an android to an iPhone. For instance, you give your love one  a flower. That flower, which is a different version of you, was cultivated by a bee,which is a different version of you. the bee passed pollen from flower to flower to unintentionally make more flowers so you can one day pick one up and show appreciation helped by that one bee which is another version of you.

We are all the same. Children which is our creation are different versions of who we are. Your children current or future will be the iPhone 6 to you being an iPhone 5; the same but different. So collectively we are different versions of each other expressed in different ways yet still in dependent’s. Adam and eve for another example are different versions of each other coming from the same source.

Every living animal has a brain with two eyes a nose with two nostrils and a mouth. As for every living being is a different version of another in so way or shape. This why neurons looks the same as the galaxies of the universe. 

Now, this can in great detail can come into question on turning tress to houses and people being mean to us that we don’t want to have sympathy for or even eating animals. The point I’m trying to push to you all is the connection we have to everything and how one can benefit in small appreciation. You would think twice about destroying something that is another part of you; if you love yourself enough.

It brings clarity to when someone says showing hate to another comes a place of self hate because When destroy a version of you, you are destroying yourself. It extremely common sense. This is why parents love their children immensely because they are a different version of themselves. When we take that into a broader perspective and realize a friend is a different version of you and even a stranger. Why would you want to do any harm. When doing harm to yourself feels bad to begin with.

So to bring this in full circle. When you look at a bird when sitting down on any given day. Say “that bird is a different version of me.” Because if that bird came from one and I came from one that all that’s really different is that I am a different version. So part of me is in that bird and in everything else. That tree is a different version of me, it grows out of the same soil that feeds me. It needs me as I need it so technically its family. My boyfriend or girlfriend is an extension of me so whatever they have I already have and if they are enjoying it then part of me is enjoying it too. If a person is rich then a different version of me is wealthy so it’s much more capable for me to be wealthy we are the same. Part of me built airplanes so I can fly. Part of me build high tech phones to have fun with. Part of me discovered E=mc2. Part of me entertains me. Part of me expresses me through arts.

There’s a seed of all of us in us. We’re all collectively individual. Such a paradox and that’s the fun part.

Heavy waters.

I took off my shirt and threw it to the side of the bathroom. It fell on the side of the toilet, but I didn’t care. I followed with my pants being pulled down. My brown temple showed it self in the mirror that holds no secrets. I took off my underwear revealing all of my brownskin in different shades. My hair is two weeks outdated from its last haircut. My face sullen with marks of acne and bad dieting. I pushed aside my white sea shelled bath curtains to turn on the knobs and ignite the shower. The terrental rains splattered against the tub. I made my way in. My once dry skin is now moist. My sanctuary fills up with warm steam. I try to let go of the built up emotions, but I failed.  I opened my body scrub with sea salt and essential oils that changed the scenery with its Forrest smell. The essential oils soften my skin to impeccable luxury. I try to embrace the gratitude I felt when my hands raced across my arms and legs with slippery ease. The smell transports me to a get away in brackets of imagination flashes. Vacation away haulted by upsetting thoughts:
   I don’t understand any longer. The fight and the confusion. The paranoia and discomfort. I don’t know if this love is toxic. I don’t know if this is love. Why can’t we be at peace forever with each other. Why must you be so paranoid. Are you afraid I’m going leave? Why not focus on making me happy; making each other happy. I thought everything was fine. I thought we were moving forward. Maybe cause I accepted flattery. Did you accept flattery as well? Have you been perfect all up until now ? Are we not mature enough? I ask of the universe to send me the right answer to show me is this right for me. My insticts are confusing me. I need something definite.
  My face frowned. My head, like a reseviour of water, held stress. I can feel the worry. I can feel the confusion. I can feel the dis-ease. I belted out a loud cry. I dip my head in pouring rain. I hope the warmth of the water will embrace me enough to rid my thought and promote a positive feeling. Instead, it caused me buckle down. I sat in the tub hunched over. I accepted how I felt as now. I didn’t want to accept my thoughts. I didn’t want to no longer feel this discomfort. Still bare in skin I belted out one last time. This wail broke the dam that held my emotions and it poured. I, like the water pelting against my skin, began to weep. I take my hands and placed them on my head as the water falls rapidly. The water curves my hands and my eyes. The water stream seperates on my face making new trails across my eyes, down my nose falling off a cliff to the top of my full lips. The warmer water from inside slowly trickled my cheeks moving at its own pace admist the wild foreign waters. I can taste the salty tears and the fluoride infused water.

I have one last chance in me. If this doesn’t work. I will fully take all responsibility and go for good.

I will try to be vulnerable.