Ever Critically Analyzed Your Relationship? Well, Here’s mine of Four Years. Part 2: The Insecurity.

Read Part 1: The Value

   You have it, she experienced it, he said it, they provoked it. We all have these doubts and not-so-good thoughts that takes away from our image. By definition is means lack of confidence. Confidence comes from within, so fixing and deal with insecurities starts with the self first. One does not fully control on anothers confidence. Generally, no one should have any control over your confidence, or at least lowering them. We also have no reason to lower our own confidence, but we do anyways. Now, what I’m not saying is that its bad to have these feelings. What I am going to explain is how it played a role in my relationship. Like many things, we don’t realize how much power we have over our thoughts and emotions. Many have no clue of how much of a choice we have over almost every aspect of out lives. I will explain how at times we feel insecure within ourselves and implement them into our relationships expecting our significant other to be responsible to fix them. We have to start taking responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and feelings first before we can solve them.

Through my experience I hope other grasp the context of what I am saying, of course my thoughts of the moment of  each experience will be bolded and italic. I do hope to all that reads try to relate this to your own experiences. I hopefully help in some way shape of form.

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Thought’s like, ” In my past relationship I went through this, this, and that. He/She made me feel like this, that and above, and its up to you as a boyfriend or girlfriend  to make me feel the opposite and make my get over the past and be my savior. In order to do fix you must do that and that, and I expect you to do this and that and more.” This is common script right? Do you think this method have or will work?

For example, I know a person who in a relationship and shares facebook passwords. This is a common script to avoid issues and show from one to another that “We trust, each other” and there “Nothing to hide,”  because I am just open to you.  First off , you already coming into the relationship with a prenup. But to continue, my friend would everyday check the boyfriends inbox looking and reading and finding. Almost like everyday is a test passed. There’s no need for all of that. Do you see how the sharing of passwords does not permanently fix the issue but rather just adds fuel to her insecurity.  Let her read a basic message and interpret it with her insecurity to then bomb her boyfriends with thousands of questions…who wants to go through that. As for my friend who wants to feel that feeling of negativeness sitting in your heart while your in this panic. Where’s the ease, wheres the freedom, wheres the comfortability.

I was the same in a similar way. In my experience, me and my ex spoke an app that showed the location of our messages. I would but texting and with every reply I’m going through the location racing with negative thoughts like,  “I don’t think he is his house, why didn’t he tell he is going outside? What’s over there? oh, okay he is home.” I hated feeling like that, I don’t be in relationships to brace myself from getting hurt and cheated on. What will then be the point in ever being in a relationship. I am like this, I am not going to worry myself to death living in this fear if I am being cheated on, I would find out eventually. When I find out I would handle it at the appropriate time in the meantime, let’s enjoy ourselves.  Imagine if two people felt that way, then who will be cheating and who will be getting hurt; If both of the focus is enjoy ourselves and appreciate then whats the worry? what will then still cause the worry? Insecurity.


Towards the end of the relationship there were some many signs that it was time for it to come to a close. Ignored them and didn’t use the issues to used as an excuse to go. I always say theres a way. There is always a way. No problems are unsolvable unless the person within chooses to hold on those issues. In sense a person say, “I will never get over …” Well, then, the person made it a fact and the actions with follow.

He thought I was a very weak individual and if  asked I’m sure he would agree. Because of his lack of confidence in me he thought  I couldn’t handle many situations. For instance, he asked me if i got hit on by other people, I said no, I don’t get him very often. In his truth, I said “No” as not at all ever in my history. The last remembered time I recall was late winter early spring.  So, yeah, it’s a no to me. Long story short, he felt like I was hiding information from him, because he tell me about his hit on, I asked, “well why do you tell me because I don’t care who hits on you unless its a person of mutual who knows where together and chooses to still be disrespectful.” He response was, “So you’ll know how I handle it.” I personally don’t care how its handle if the results are that it doesn’t continue from there then I don’t need to worry! For me that wasn’t the case. I started to now questions his motive behind  his actions.

I thought, ” I thought you told me those things because it was something to say, that it was part of who are which is just say little details like that, maybe you felt flattered and wanted to express it to me. Now I feel like you tell me things just to get things out of me which is in my eyes horrible, like as if you are hunting things from me. Why?”

In the end I started showing him conversations if somebody decided to hit on me or talk to me.  I didn’t like it, I HATED IT! I felt like theres was no need, it was doing way to much, the focus should be on more better things,  I felt like it something extra I had to do on top of many other things. What killed me, was the times when I did I still got penalized for then handling it incorrectly, I was told I lead one on to say “No.” Im sitting highly displeased like, “Even when I show you this conversations I am wronged for not saying specific words, rather then letting me handle it in my own way the end result is still the same and thats all that matters. I am not going to aggressively say, I’m in a relationship if someone wants to compliment me. Not every compliment is someone trying to hit on me.” On top of that, I was sent of  “correct way” on how it suppose to be handled of an old conversation few days prior. My thoughts went, “How is that I am obligated to show you these things on queue and your not doing the same, now its starting to get hypocritical.”  I didn’t have to do these things, I did them because I thought it would make him feel at ease with me and strengthen the bond, but instead he still looked for faults into situation.

It got to the point where I was asking, “Hey, well a friend of mine, who you don’t know invited me over to his house. How would you feel about that?” asking permission basically to go. Which resulted in something along the lines of, “How can you not send me the conversation between you and your friend inviting you over but you show me a conversation about someone asking you out to eat, and Im like,  “Well, because I dont feel like my friend is hitting on me we are just going to hang talk eat, things regular people do.” Of course a load of “what if’s” came about and preferring me going with a group of people, and this person has a history of this and that.
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I couldn’t deal with all of that anymore, no one out of all these people he felt insecure about ever disrespect me or the relationship and knew I was in a relationship. Everytime I argued against him and said he was wrong in his assumptions, I was “defending them” and i’m not taking into consideration of his words and feelings.  It was a load of crap compared to the amount of time I tried to rid these feelings by write essays of appreciation, buying him things on random, thinking of ideas to do, the list goes on. However that wasn’t what the eyes wanted to see.

People I want you to understand, how it’s important to really look within and see how at times we let our insecurities get the best of us and ruin relationships, and ruin yourself.  In a sense, no matter how many times a person says you are cute, you don’t believe them you will never be. For me, no matter how many times I proven my trust and worthiness, it doesn’t want to be seen its not going to be seen.


I’ll continue this.. later. When everything purges in one scene. “The breakup.”
Read Part 1:The Value

Dontae (noun): ….

mesardonicmesarcastic:

Yes, So I found a way to re-blog my post! I thought I’d share one my Hit blogs

Originally posted on Me Sardonic, Me Sarcastic:

Dontae(noun): [Blank]
When someone tries to ask me who am I, I try my hardest to be as brief as possible. Honestly, I would want to say nothing at all. Why? Because, saying nothing at all when asked that question is the ultimate freedom for me, but an extreme puzzle for another. I used to feel so guilty for myself and really be in this state of trance trying to describe myself. I felt as if i didn’t know myself. During the era of Myspace the “about me” section was so difficult! Any about me section for that matter.

Why do you have to give definition to your self’s instead of just being? Being in the moment and excepting who is front of you as they are. Do you know what I think happens as soon as someone gives definition to themselves? they start to label themselves. First impression…

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Ever Critically Analyzed Your Relationship? Well, Here’s Mine of Four Years. Part 1: The Value

We have been together for nearly three years going on four. Which has been the most trans-formative experience to my personal growth. Ever! I’m only twenty-two getting out of his first long term relationship. With a clear insight to who I am, I’m growing into a person that is in search for deeper understanding of all things. When I realize through life experience how everything is well constructed into each other, feeding off each other, evolving out of each other, there was always a “Why” behind everything. Understanding Why lessen the reason to pass judgement towards anything. As, you wouldn’t pass judgement on to yourself because only you know where you came from and why you choose the choices you did. As one get’s deeper into themselves they may even uncover  the unconscious choices too! At the start of 18 years of age part of my life has been the search for a deeper sense of me, that I was beyond my skin color, sex, sexuality, and tradition. That I didn’t have to be bonded by negative thoughts and emotions and act irrational and call it “Normal.” While reading self-help books like “The power of the Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and other amazing authors like Napoleon Hill, Elizabeth Gilbert, and more I widened my perspective with so many things that elevated me beyond the normal thought patterns. I am intrigued about the understand of self, The understanding of self ego and how it plays out through you relationships with people. I am intrigued by the understand of Love unconditionally in full condition. Which means the absence of passing judgment and insecurities and trying to make your partner fit into this idealism of what you want them to be. Aren’t we all guilty of that.

So I’m here to tell a story of four years. I’m telling it through my eyes. Its not a story from a broken heart. I’m not broken.  A disclaimer though there will be some tooting of my own horns through my confidence because I am proud of myself. Here I hope my thoughts that I am no longer tied to or  identify with be relatable to you and see part of my thought process.

Here it is…welcome in.

                     My idea of relationship is very simple. Memories. Being with someone you love should be an ease as breathing where the importance of the relationship is the strengthening of a bond. A bond that was filled with memories and conversations that allows you to dig deeper and understand why a person is they way they are and love them all the way through. I am the type of person who wants to experience new things and adventures with my partner. The thirst for interesting life experiences that sets us aside  from other what I call “average” relationships, that is predominately filled with  the next argument, movies dates, and going to work. Within the four years of being with him I tried my best to instill new adventures that hold close dear to my heart. With it came the thought of, “Am I the only one bringing new experiences into the relationship?
The person I was with, which I knew from the jump, was a person that had a tunnel vision for one goal in life. I loved that about him, it was the opposite counterpart to who I am. As I was still developing who am I. I came into this relationship at 18 wanting to be a weatherman, to let go of the relationship being a writer and a radio host. Because of this, I didn’t accept that striving for a long life goal means you couldn’t input in other area’s of relationship. I saw it as this, If I can go to work, go to school full time,  balance my hobby, and still manage you express my love and time for you, think of future dates…he can do the same. As in my perspective, all he really had to manage was me and his training days. His work days were never a much of a determining factor in my relationship with him. Because of this again, I didn’t want to just accept the bare minimum. I also did not like the feeling of being the anchor of the relationship, unless I’m consistently being shown or told of my value to him. In other words, I didn’t mind holding the relationship down, but a simple thank you or a random form of appreciation would mean a lot. It would say to me, “I know I am not doing all that I can because I am focused elsewhere, but I still see and admire your effort to keep in tact.” I wasn’t sure of my value to him, maybe that was part of my insecurity. A strong maybe.

I did struggle greatly in understanding my value to him. I knew, but you don’t want to just know and that be the final action of just knowing, you want experience it. I want to see it, read it, taste it, feel it, and more. I didn’t want just knowing to be  all I have, because my thought would then say, “How do I know he values me in what way do I have proof?” Then the distress came from looking in my room seeing nothing and having nothing as proof, on top of as previously stated, the feeling getting just the bare minimum. For an example, you don’t want to know your mother just loves you. You want to experience it so you can feel it. Feeling it beats any materialistic proof. The answer than came to me and it struck a major cord. I realized that my value to him was measured based upon answering text messages first, answering my calls first, and top position on Facebook. When I gathered all this I was upset because I was belittled for not equating those same ways.

        So my thought went as follows,
Who am I to judge how to express your love to someone. I am honored to be the top position on Facebook because it does mean we speak most compared to anybody else, I honor you value the urgency to respond to me first before any other text messages or calls. But I would never knew any of these priorities First hand. These are things that only one person can witness and that’s you!”

For an example, In my phone he was titled “My Everything” and  “Lover boy” with my favorite picture of him. When I found out It wasn’t the same, I didn’t think any less of him. I didn’t make it a big deal because that was MY personal expression of my love for him in my way. What he valued me on was based off his own personal expression that I cannot experience. I took it as that is his only way to show gratitude and appreciation, therefore he expects me to also have the same exact criteria. Yes, small things do count; everything counts. Does that mean its small enough to where another person cant see, hear, and feel it. Instead after every great way of me expressing gratitude and love came with it a bomb of disappoints for not always keeping aboard with his list of expectations that stemmed from how he solely handles things. Almost like in a religious way; Its only way which is my way and any other way no matter if the results are the same is then wrong. All efforts or consideration is not good enough. If It wasn’t a bomb of disappointments it was in some way shape or form me falling short of something.

To the point I would sit and think,
You are so concerned about my actions and what test of yours I’m going to pass or what expectation I’m  going to succeed that you are forgetting what you actually put into the relationship.  To busy not looking at the bigger picture of who is in front of you and what has done and still be willing to do. I’m being take granted for he must not realize how much I put up with and pick up what he “cannot do” for I respect his life goal. I made it to easy for him, if he was confident in what he put in he wouldn’t have to worry about what friend I’m around, who hit on me and how it was handled.

             If I didn’t meet these things, It was my responsibility to fix them, because “I am the reason he feel this way” and I have yet found the best possible solution to fix. I am the full reason behind every disappointment. Instead of taking responsibility ones own insecurity.  Eventually, it became well maybe he’s right. I guess it’s something I have to prove to him on and work within myself on top of holding the relationship. To busy trying to give, and make sure he is not disappointed, I never sat back watched what I am actually receiving from him. What happens when I stop being blind and really look at what I am getting in return.

And the critical thinking begins….
Now…

In part 2…hehe!

We Are All The Same

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We are all the same and I never really the grasp the essence and soundness until just now.

We are different versions of each other

When this thought came it came with so much clarity and truth. My truth. When I say different versions of each other I mean down to the single point of a tree or bee. The air the water the dog and cats.

If you believe what ever religion or practice the belief that all comes from one source it can sound a bit like tree hugging theories, but understand it as I am as this:

Let’s say you have one model of a human or better yet. You create an iPhone. You decided you want a different one of the same components but different. So you make iPhone 2. iPhone 2 is different yet the same in a sense that it looks the same, It acts the same, the feature of the new phone is better yet still can connect to the first iPhone. iPhone 6 is a different version of the iPhone 5 as the 4 and so on. Basically the whole line of the phone comes from one source yet they are different functional versions

This sums up my what I mean. I understand this so much

If you apply that to humans as a whole you can see the same relation. That a  tree is the same as you but a different version of you which can explain how you and a tree are co-dependent. We taken in oxygen that a tree release and they breathe in the air we release to turn it to food and oxygen that we need. The cycle continues.

If you love yourself enough and see that everything is a different version of you, you began to have a higher sense of appreciation.

A bee is a different version of you. So are the birds, even down to the clouds is not much different. Its made with water you we need water in us already so do many other beings.

Now how close we are in relation to these versions of us varies like an android to an iPhone. For instance, you give your love one  a flower. That flower, which is a different version of you, was cultivated by a bee,which is a different version of you. the bee passed pollen from flower to flower to unintentionally make more flowers so you can one day pick one up and show appreciation helped by that one bee which is another version of you.

We are all the same. Children which is our creation are different versions of who we are. Your children current or future will be the iPhone 6 to you being an iPhone 5; the same but different. So collectively we are different versions of each other expressed in different ways yet still in dependent’s. Adam and eve for another example are different versions of each other coming from the same source.

Every living animal has a brain with two eyes a nose with two nostrils and a mouth. As for every living being is a different version of another in so way or shape. This why neurons looks the same as the galaxies of the universe. 

Now, this can in great detail can come into question on turning tress to houses and people being mean to us that we don’t want to have sympathy for or even eating animals. The point I’m trying to push to you all is the connection we have to everything and how one can benefit in small appreciation. You would think twice about destroying something that is another part of you; if you love yourself enough.

It brings clarity to when someone says showing hate to another comes a place of self hate because When destroy a version of you, you are destroying yourself. It extremely common sense. This is why parents love their children immensely because they are a different version of themselves. When we take that into a broader perspective and realize a friend is a different version of you and even a stranger. Why would you want to do any harm. When doing harm to yourself feels bad to begin with.

So to bring this in full circle. When you look at a bird when sitting down on any given day. Say “that bird is a different version of me.” Because if that bird came from one and I came from one that all that’s really different is that I am a different version. So part of me is in that bird and in everything else. That tree is a different version of me, it grows out of the same soil that feeds me. It needs me as I need it so technically its family. My boyfriend or girlfriend is an extension of me so whatever they have I already have and if they are enjoying it then part of me is enjoying it too. If a person is rich then a different version of me is wealthy so it’s much more capable for me to be wealthy we are the same. Part of me built airplanes so I can fly. Part of me build high tech phones to have fun with. Part of me discovered E=mc2. Part of me entertains me. Part of me expresses me through arts.

There’s a seed of all of us in us. We’re all collectively individual. Such a paradox and that’s the fun part.

Heavy waters.

I took off my shirt and threw it to the side of the bathroom. It fell on the side of the toilet, but I didn’t care. I followed with my pants being pulled down. My brown temple showed it self in the mirror that holds no secrets. I took off my underwear revealing all of my brownskin in different shades. My hair is two weeks outdated from its last haircut. My face sullen with marks of acne and bad dieting. I pushed aside my white sea shelled bath curtains to turn on the knobs and ignite the shower. The terrental rains splattered against the tub. I made my way in. My once dry skin is now moist. My sanctuary fills up with warm steam. I try to let go of the built up emotions, but I failed.  I opened my body scrub with sea salt and essential oils that changed the scenery with its Forrest smell. The essential oils soften my skin to impeccable luxury. I try to embrace the gratitude I felt when my hands raced across my arms and legs with slippery ease. The smell transports me to a get away in brackets of imagination flashes. Vacation away haulted by upsetting thoughts:
   I don’t understand any longer. The fight and the confusion. The paranoia and discomfort. I don’t know if this love is toxic. I don’t know if this is love. Why can’t we be at peace forever with each other. Why must you be so paranoid. Are you afraid I’m going leave? Why not focus on making me happy; making each other happy. I thought everything was fine. I thought we were moving forward. Maybe cause I accepted flattery. Did you accept flattery as well? Have you been perfect all up until now ? Are we not mature enough? I ask of the universe to send me the right answer to show me is this right for me. My insticts are confusing me. I need something definite.
  My face frowned. My head, like a reseviour of water, held stress. I can feel the worry. I can feel the confusion. I can feel the dis-ease. I belted out a loud cry. I dip my head in pouring rain. I hope the warmth of the water will embrace me enough to rid my thought and promote a positive feeling. Instead, it caused me buckle down. I sat in the tub hunched over. I accepted how I felt as now. I didn’t want to accept my thoughts. I didn’t want to no longer feel this discomfort. Still bare in skin I belted out one last time. This wail broke the dam that held my emotions and it poured. I, like the water pelting against my skin, began to weep. I take my hands and placed them on my head as the water falls rapidly. The water curves my hands and my eyes. The water stream seperates on my face making new trails across my eyes, down my nose falling off a cliff to the top of my full lips. The warmer water from inside slowly trickled my cheeks moving at its own pace admist the wild foreign waters. I can taste the salty tears and the fluoride infused water.

I have one last chance in me. If this doesn’t work. I will fully take all responsibility and go for good.

I will try to be vulnerable.

To-do? Done!

Daily Prompt: Quickly list five things you’d like to change in your life. Now, write a post about a day in your life once all five have been crossed off your to-do list.

1. Get a better paying job that is fun and flexibile.

2. Get a HP laptop.

3. Take swimming classes, ballet classes, Bikram Yoga class.

4. Love yourself more.

5. Juice your fruits and vegetables.

…Finally, I am able to cross out the last list of things I want out of my life. Today marks the complete day of my transformation. I have watched and read The secret. I have read  Napoleon hill! Saying the same thing. I’ve read enough spiritual and self help book. .I said to myself I want change and abundance of satisfication from the things I want from my life. I took control admist the adversities. We all came from a broken foundation. We all came from a deck of cards we didn’t choose…. Well most of us. The process to change however applies to every one. I come to realize the law of attraction is the most unbiased and totally equal force know to man. A force that gives everybody a chance. No matter where you came from or what you do. We all have the equal power to manifest. We may not have the full god power to create grass and water, But we have enough power to be God within our means. We can create a being like how god created us and we can also create and shape our life. Like how God created and shaped this earth and universe. It sounds cliche and a bit hippy like but it’s the truth. Take full responsibility of yourself and what you want from the shut you don’t like to the abundance you want. We each have our own lane where there’s enough pleasure to go around. We all don’t want the same food, or person, amount of money, or  car etc. our individuality and flaws creates our own lane. Our uniqueness are only for us making it enough to live abundantly…sarcacity exist with greed. However there is still enough and will always be enough.

Long story short. I am happy.

Daily prompt: To-Do? Done!

Ray Rice: Domestic Violence? or Should We Mind Our Business?

Has drama in the elevator become a norm?
I say this on behalf of Solange Knowles and Ray Rice. Can’t anything get passed TMZ especially after catching these violent acts of Solange beating up Jay-Z to now recent story of Ray Rice beating his girlfriend; which is now a collaboration of Rihanna vs. Chris Brown’s incident, and Jay-Z vs Solange’s incident mixed together. Should we give them a doggy biscuit?

Ray Rice a former or still current NFL player for Ravens was soon dropped from the team and Suspended indefinitely by the NFL. Apparently, the incident happened two months ago, and since then the two are now married. When asked to NFL why they haven’t received the footage earlier allegedly, they asked the police and never got it. However, TMZ was able to receive it. Maybe, TMZ was able to pay for more the footage? Doubt it. According to CNN, NFL only suspended Ray Rice for two games and now feeling the wrath of not taking this incident much more seriously. Could domestic violence be common amongst NFL?

Rice replayed that night “over and over his his head” to continue saying those actions  “weren’t him.” Why apologize for something you did and then dismiss it in the same breath. It seems platonic and rehearsed and I say with with most celebrity incidents. Maybe, because they are men, I don’t know, but public apologies seems unoriginal, plain and emotionless. It’s like saying an apology to get it over with. I could sound a little harsh on the guy. To be honest, I am not even enraged although I oppose domestic violence on both ends, Janay Rice seems to be okay with it. I find it hard to get through when you slap your love one twice leaving them unconscious dragging them out the floor. I would be in state of shock that I did something that extreme. That’s just me and we all handle situations differently.

So, Mrs Janay Rice released her statement about the situation as well. Hot97 covered it showing a picture of her response on what seems like Instagram.

http://www.hot97.com/news/big-dennis/ray-rice-wife-responds-release-brutal-knockout-video-photovideo

Abused Victim Janay Rice Credit: DailyNews

Janay Rice States, I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feelling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret everyday is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he was worked his ass off for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! what don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, makes us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is. Ravensnation we love you!”

We should just totally mind your business, because clearly after this, she accepts everything. Who are we to tell her to leave her relationship or to take appropriate action. She says everything is okay! And everything happened was suppose to happen. Even better she saying that this situation is real love. Now, I understand when you get through problems and sticking out the worst of the worst situations, but does that even includes getting knocked unconscious?

Then get married soon afterwards, Well, all in hopes she maintains with him through the highs and lows of his career from this. Were it wont seem like she is with him for the money, as they stereotype most of these industry girls anyways.

So, I ask you all. How you do you feel about Janay’s response and her defending her husband Ray Rice? Do you feel that’s what true love is? Or should we just mind our business?